Expert: Caroline West - 4/26/2009

Question
My son is 30 years old and addicted to cocaine for about 8 years. He confessed to me 3 years ago. We have suffered greatly. He has been to rehab only to walk out and go right back to using. At times he allowed me to contol his money but that is short lived. I have threatened, called the police and had him taken to the emergency room because he was threatening suicide. He somehow manages to hold down a job. That can't last long especially now because I kicked him out today. I told him to not come back until he decided to get help. I am not housing, feeding and giving love and support for him to only use the money left over after paying bills to use. He has a great job that pays well but has nothing to show for it. He has a truck he makes payments on and thats it. He doesn't seem to even care about having anything. He is also an insulin dependant. He wears a 5000.00 insulin pump and is very careful about his diet. I just can't understand why he cares so much about that part of his health but yet somehow doesn't understand that he can die from using. Also the chance he takes being drug tested at work and losing his job just doesn't seem to bother him. I buried his father 17 years ago who was also a user. I lived in hell for 17 years, always broke but he wouldn't get help. My son was only 13 years old. He loved his daddy so much. I feel sometimes that he does this just because his daddy did. My son is a great person. He has a great personality and is so handsome. He loves people and communicates so well with anyone. Everyone loves him and thinks he such a great person. I have a disabled daughter also. She lives with us and loves her brother dearly. She worries about him and wants him to get help. He has stolen from all of us. I am always on guard. I am afraid to leave my home for fear he will take everything we have. This is just a brief summary of all we have been through in the last 3 years. There is much more that we have suffered because of his addiction. My heart is so broken because I am so afraid that he will die and I'm not sure I can keep my sanity. He knows how much we all love him. I have tried so hard to be a good mother. I tried to be a good example to him all of his life. He was very smart in school and was an athlete. I don't yet know where he is staying and it is about to drive me crazy not knowing. I want so much to call him and tell him to come home but I know I shouldn't. If he comes back it will only start again. What do I do? How will I live with myself if he dies or goes to jail? I am so afraid. All I can do is pray for strength and hope for the best. Am I doing the right thing? What else can I do?

Answer
Hi Pam,

I can feel your pain and suffering coming out from all your words and what I will do is give you the best advice possible but also be honest and straight with you.

Firstly Rehab is a scary place,I've been in one and never again because its like a prison with 'therapy' and without the bars. No one can fully understand how hard it is in there and many people can't hack it and leave-its extremely difficult and some even say that prison is easier. So your son walking out can be a common reaction.

I want to alleviate your fears a little regarding over dose. Cocaine OD is different-it can happen but unlike heroin its not common place. Heroin use and OD is high risk but not that risky with Cocaine though it can happen so please don't think that its in the same 'league' as heroin as its not.

The suicidal feelings your son is experiencing is due to a couple of things. Firstly,the Cocaine high is very euphoric and pleasurable but as soon as it starts to wear off the user will become very depressed and feel very low. Also its a feeling of envisaging no way out of the addiction. Having something controlling your life like that will cause a lot of depression.

He is able to hold down a job as there is no nasty withdrawal from Cocaine as there is with heroin. A heroin user cannot function due to feeling 'sick' but thats not the same as with a cocaine user and thats why he is able to hold down a job plus its that job that is paying for the coke so he would want to hang on to it.

His Dad having been a user could well have had an effect on your son. Seeing that his Daddy is using drugs was sending the message that drugs are ok to use so that could of had an influence.

I can relate to you when you say he has stolen from you and you can't turn your back for 5 minutes without having fear he will steel again. I had that with my ex-I couldn't relax when he was round and I couldn't trust him with good reason like you can't trust your son. My solution was to just not have him in the house anymore so you need to decide what you are prepared to put up with and its harder for you as he is your son and you love him but a bit of tough love by telling him to leave and get himself sorted would do no harm.

You can't control what he does and he will come off it when he is ready to-which I know you don't want to hear but its still down to him to quit. A thing that may help you is to get in touch with your local Drug and Alcohol Service and see if there is a group you can go to for families of users-it would help you by seeing that others are in the same boat and you will be able to draw strength from them. Just an idea.

I hope some of this has helped. There is no quick way out of it but you are doing the right thing by asking him to leave until he gets sorted but you have to be prepared to stick to your guns,be there for him but take a step back for your own sanity.

I wish you all the best and if you want to write in again then please feel free to. Keep strong, Caroline.