Expert: Caroline West - 5/2/2009

Question
My adult child addict daughter moved home with her 3 year old son under the false pretense that she had stopped using for 1 yr. before we let her move in.  I found out after the fact that was not true and now know after 9 mos. w/us that she has been using all along.  She is going back to where she lived before coming home and says for 2 mos.  We are having an extremely hard time telling her she cannot come back unless she agrees to go into residential treatment.  I'm guessing she plans not to return but does not want to tell us.  She has had a meth problem for at least 14 yrs. and turned to oxy while in our home.  I go to Al-Anon and counseling and I'm still unsure how to tell her, I'm afraid to tell her she can't come back.  I can no longer live with her knowing she once again was using and lying.  I cannot live with an active addict b/c it is too painful to watch someone destroying themself.  I feel very, very sad for her and for her young son.  Knowing all this I am still afraid to tell her she cannot come back unless she will go into residential treatment and I don't think she will.  thank you for any advice.

Answer
Hi Donna. I am so sorry for the delay in responding to you but the truth be told it was because I didn't know if I could even answer your questions and give you proper advice so I have had to have a think whats best for all of you.

Its a catch 22 situation where either choice you make will cause a lot of heartache. You tell her she can't come back home and that hurts but also living with her back in the family hurts aswell and then there is the addition of your grandchild and whats best for him too. I appreciate the difficult situation you are in.

My first and foremost thought is your grandson and whats healthier for him which needs thinking about.

As for your daughter,what I would have and normally do suggest you have done already. The part regarding making sure she is a years clean before she comes back and I know that stipulation had already been given to her and she lied so what happens next.

Also what else I would have suggested you are already doing which is going to Al-Anon and getting personal support for you from other people affected by a drug/alcohol using family member so keep doing that.

You are aware of the saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". Thats pretty much what is happening here. There is not much else more you can do because you are already doing it. Your daughter will come off the drugs,when she is ready to and no amount of pressure from family is going to make that happen for her,she has to come to the decision to stop by herself. Thats usually the way it goes. It was like that for me and countless others where we had to each come to our own realization that what we are doing to ourselves was not good and we made the decision to quit-but by ourselves regardless of pleading from others,thats really the reality of the matter.

I have tried to be honest with you and I am fully aware what all this is doing to you but there is not much else I can tell you to do that you are not already doing. All I can say is to trust your instincts with regards to your next move-do what you feel deep down is the best way forward for everyone and make sure your grandson has the best possible option for him too.

I wish you all the best,I am always here if you want to contact me again and I sincerely wish you the best possible move and outcome. Take care, Caroline