Expert: Caroline West - 5/27/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello, My name is Ashley I am 19. And my boyfriend (Jacob) is a Heroin Addict. Jacob has been a Heroin Addict since We've been together which has been 2 years now. Jacob has also been Attending a Suboxone Program for months now. Well when I came home from work today, he was caught smoking Heroin. Jacob see's a counselor once every week. Last week his counselor had told him that I may be a trigger. When jacob is down, depressed, and in the dumps and feeling kind of emotional, is when he want's to use. When I try to talk to him about it to make him feel better, and to try to help him, he dosn't want it, and he say's "You don't understand Ashley; You've never used Heroin so you don't know what it's like for me and you can never help me." I support Jacob 100 percent, and I want what is best for him. Instead of talking to me, He'd rather go out with friends from his rehab group which are also Heroin Addicts and hang out with them, instead of going out and watching a movie with me or hanging out and having fun. He also claims that when he's a Junkie, Is when he really loves me, and when he's sober, He barely even knows me. I need help, and I don't know what to do. We're planning to move to Arizona in a couple of months, and were moving from Ohio; And I don't want to make this the biggest mistake of my life. If I can get any help at all, that would make my day. Thank you so much
         -- Ashley

ANSWER: Hi Ashley luv,(sorry for the lateness in getting back to you)

Believe it or not what is happening in your relationship is actually better than 99% of girls I talk to and I'll tell you why. Jacob is trying to spare you. He is absolutely right in telling you that you can't help him because you cant. An addict will only get clean when they are ready to and it don't matter what you say or do it isn't going to help him.

He is also right in saying that you cannot understand what its like for him regarding the Heroin and he is right-a person who has never done it will never understand it and that is most certainly not your fault.

What you want from your relationship he can't give you. You want someone to hang out with and do things with and I'm afraid to say that you are not going to get that from him.I had the same with my ex,even though I was a user I still wanted to go out and have some fun but he didn't want to.(its not just me Ashley,its pretty much the same for all)

Ok-the bit that hurts you. There is a huge difference in feelings and personalities between when an addict is off the drugs and when they are on it which is why he says that he sees you differently in the two states. Basically Ashley when he is high-thats when his feelings towards you is insincere coz being high is not real and when hes sober thats actually the way he really sees you which is he doesn't know you (and again that is not your fault). Drugs makes you have rose tinted glasses on and when your high you see the world differently. DO NOT GO WITH HIM TO ARIZONA.I can tell you right now and confirm what you already know and that it WILL be a huge mistake. He is telling you that he doesn't know you etc...so how are you going to be with eachother if you go?? He can't be on drugs all the time and see you with love and also being told you are a 'trigger' for his drug use? no,don't do it.

I have nothing to gain from saying all this to you just that I can see where this is going to go and it will end in tears and even though I don't know you personally I still don't want you to get hurt by all this.

You have some thinking to do and I will tell you that you must listen to your gut instincts and go with what you feel is right,right deep down in your heart. I think you already know but just keep trusting your gut and listening to your wise mind.

I've been honest and frank with you and I really hope you make the right choices. If you want to ask anything else or some moral support then I am more than happy to help you. Listen to your gut. All the best and take care, Caroline

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you, Caroline for all of your Advice. Things have been worse Since the last time I wrote to you. Jacob ended up meeting this girl from His Suboxone Program. (Judith) Well Judith is a Heroin Addict as well. For the past week until a few days ago, Jacob and her have been hanging out a lot. Well Jacob was never with me, never spending time with me. Instead he would be with Judith. Well I have Panic and Anxiety attacks, and I have them ALOT. Well About 5 to 6 days ago I had, had a Miscarriage. Which made me depressed and felt like I didn't have anything to live for anymore. My Boyfriend didn't want to come home to me, I lost my baby; I thought my life was over. Finally I worked myself up to where I was put into the Hospital; I almost had a heart Attack; Blood pressure was sky high; I was Hallucinating; Hyperventilating; and having panic attacks out of mid air hitting me every 20 seconds. Well While I was in the Hospital Jacob was Over at Judiths, and he claims that he was stuck there because of car issues. Well That just made things worse to where The Doctor came in and Shot me up with Ativan ( Not sure if thats the correct way to spell it) Which it's an Anxiety Shot.a few days ago, I had found out, that Jacob and Judith were at my Appartment  Shooting Heroin, and things were getting a little kinky; Just making out, and she tried to take it further but she was pushed down the stairs, by Jacob, and he kicked her out ( Which I know he wasn't Lying about that because My Neighbors had witnessed.) However; Ever since All of that has Happened, Jacob has finally Woke up; He's finally getting his damn head out of the clouds. His love for me has gotten Stronger, we're finally bonding again, We went over at a friends house yesterday, and the conversation was basically about Babies, and Jacob mentioned that he's ready to try again with me. I mean things haven't gotten more worse with him, I mean things have actually gotten better since all of that had happened, but it almost ruined my life. I almost died; I lost my Unborn Child from Stress between Judith and him; Caroline, I love this man to death. If he asked me to Jump off of a mountain I would. That's what makes it so hard. I feel like;;; Without him I am nothing. So by hearing all of this Excitement what do you think?

Answer
Hi Ashley hun,

If you really want me to give you my opinion I will,some of it will be good and some of it may be harsh but I will be as open and frank with you as I can but the ultimate decisions lie with you-its my job to give you an outsiders point of view and I have seen a great deal so I wont lie to you because as I said before-I have nothing to gain guiding you one way or the other but I will give you advice.

Jacob is not ready to quit. It was only recently that he met Judith and went on a drug taking binge AND did it in your flat-absolutely unacceptable. Of course he isn't going to tell you if they got up to something sexually but I can tell you that nearly all drugs makes you randy/horny and sex seems like a good idea at the time coz inhibitions are low. I know what I think.

I cannot believe what you wrote that you were all talking about babies-no,no.no,not a good idea for many reasons. One you are 19,two he is still on drugs,three how will you afford to bring up a child and four you are experiencing mental health issues-yes panic attacks and anxiety come under that heading AND being shot up intravenously with Ativan (Lorazepam) which is a tranquilizer. You are BOTH no where near ready to have a kid.

Ashley-Jacob was with his pal Judith jacking up smack while you lay critically ill in hospital? -it is outrageous. Can you not see what is going on? He is pulling the wool over your eyes,going off with some junkie he met in hospital,using your flat as a safe place where to shoot up and you want to have his child?? You talk about Jacob getting his head out of the clouds-do you not think you need to aswell? He was no where to be seen when you had the miscarriage and you honestly think he cares about you?

At the start of this follow up you said things had gotten worse between you and then at the end of the follow up you were saying that things have got better-I don't think you know one way or another what is going on.

An addict has to be a year clean before a relationship can work-fact. They need time to grow and regain their confidence/identity and self belief-fact. Having a child with a user,guess what? the kid is going to come second to the drug-fact.

You need to get some self esteem-like yourself,value yourself because at the moment you don't. In the first letter you wrote me have another read of it as it will jog your memory of how when he is sober he doesn't know you and your a trigger. And this time he is going off with Judith-more fool you for putting up with it and your going to encounter much more of the same,I can assure you.

Take care of yourself,get off the love boat and see the reality of what is really going on. Get some counseling for yourself as you need your self esteem to grow and you need to wake up. I hope it all works out and wait till your mid twenties before you have a kid and you yourself are stable and your with a partner who is too.

Take care, Caroline