Expert: Veronica C. Yost - 5/29/2009

Question
I fell in love with someone who later I suspected of doing drugs. I didn't realize how naive a person could be (me) excusing some really strange behaviors and some really rotten things he did to me. At first things were great, he was the man of my dreams, then he was the man of my dreams sometimes, then more often than not he wasn't.

The behavior bounced all over the board so, I'm not sure what it could be. Sometimes he'd be extremely hyper, then other times he'd seem like he hit a wall and crash and stay out for hours. Sometimes he was in a great mood and very caring and attentive then others very cold, suspicious, etc.  

I started initially getting suspicious when I found him in some sleazy bars...I made the mistake of giving him access to my bank account and within about a 30/45 day period before I realized what happened, he spend over $10,000...and he did it in such an odd manner. He'd take between $600 and $1200 out per night but in $100 increments??? When confronted he said that he was buying food & drinks for him & his buddies...I'm sure he did but, I don't buy that as the whole answer.

Also, I'd only see him drink 1 or 2 beers but then he'd be so extremely drunk I know he can drink way more than that and not be that intoxicated...although I looked and looked and looked I never found anything that resembled drugs or paraphernalia (sp)...sometimes he'd have pinpoint dilated and red eyes, sometimes he'd drink gallons of water after one of his crashes...

I knew he was lying to me about the places he was going and people he was seeing so, I started tracking him with his cell phone...would you believe he'd still lie when I had the evidence in black & white on a satellite map? The lying to my face was just incredible, I never knew when he was telling the truth or lying...Then he started getting physically violent - never actually got hit but shoved around and I packed up and left...

I can't leave it alone...he says he's not on drugs, can't keep a job, can't keep anything on track...I know this sounds so weird but he is a good person - I know this from when he wasn't under the influence of whatever...he deny's that he's on anything and I think it's because he doesn't want to be but he's chosen it over all the other good things in his life and I just for the life of me can't understand it...It's been almost 6 months since we broke up and I just can't let go because I don't understand why someone would chose something that does nothing for them as a matter of fact has taken everything away from them...over love, companionship, family, home, church...

PS - Is there any hope for someone like this? He SAYS he wants a family, a wife, a life but none of his actions have mirrored that...he's reached the bottom many times over this 6 months but somehow for a short time get's his act back together and then it's right back to the odd behavior...do they ever really reach bottom? I am afraid he's going to end up in jail or worse - dead.

I've come to the realization there is nothing I can do but do addicts ever change? What breaks the cycle? Just looking for answers...thanks for your help.

Answer
Hi Christine,
 I'm an addict but I changed!  Honestly though I am in the 3% that actually quit and never go back.  All addicts try and try to stop but after a period of time they give up.  And it's not really them but it's the Seratonin.  The brain needs it and since the user has caused the brain to stop naturally producing it...brain says, "Hey!  I need this!  Go get some "crack"."  The addict doesn't care about anything?  Sure they do, drugs.  It ends up replacing all you love and becomes the only thing you love.  Coming down makes you hungry, thirsty and also you instantly start planning on how to get more.  Most addicts are smart enough to buy in "bulk" so we buy $20, $60, $100 at a time, then run back and forth to the dealer.  Most dealers don't want that and ask you to buy more so as not to draw attention to their location.
 Anyway.  The moodiness is a normal reaction to not having the drug.  The actions like fighting and arguing etc also typical, God knows I've been thrown against several walls, hit, spit on etc.  They reach bottom when they are dead (jail won't stop them usually).  What breaks the cycle is different for everyone.  You have to remember him in one way and one way only.  Everything he does or says has an alternate meaning.  Remember drugs are #1 and that's all he really wants so he will do or say anything to get it and keep it (money).  If you provided the cash, he needs you just for that.  Somewhere to live means nothing.  It's all about money and drugs.  He's actions sound exactly like a crack user.  When I lived and "cracked" up my life in Detroit the dealers all called crack The Black Death, like the plague, you can't stop it unless you catch it early and then you are more than likely to still perish from it.  Crack and Meth are in a race for the #1 position of worst drug in the world.
 I am happy you left and you should stop worrying about him.  You can't make him stop he can only do this on his own.  I believe by what described he had to of been using for well of a year before you two got together.  You became the thing that was temporarily important to subdue the high he needed.  Addicts will sometimes use pot to offset the desire for crack, you were his pot.  But crack always wins, always.
 And if he did go to rehab then only 5% of people who go to rehab dont' falter and use again.  I am in 3% because I had no rehab.  Please let me know if you have more ??? !