Expert: Caroline West - 5/19/2009

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend has suffered from a crack addiction for the pat 5 years of his life, before that he was doing pot, drinking, etc his drug of choice is def crack. I have known him long before e started dating, and when we did he told me upfront he did crack. Naive of me, Ihad never been close to a case of drug addiction, knew nothing about crack and def tought I could help me. As most parter-relatives of a drug addict I became heavely co-depedant. Almst two years have passed, I atten teraphy n a regular basis and I can truly say my co-dependancy is over. I don't feel guilty for what he does, or the consequences of his addiction, I don't ever give him any money and after kicking him out of my house in December he has not once spent the night at my places. Yes, like most addicts he's a great individual, sensitivem carin, a musician...HE's never abused me in any form. He comes from a very disfunctional family, where he's dad was a cocaine user (has been clean now for 4 months on his own) and his co-depentant mom never lets him face ny of the consequences of his addiction. A week ago he showed up at my house after having disappeared for two days, he wasked me to please help him a rehab center and I did. I really didn't think he was going to stay, but he has. I am really glad he is doing it, I know a huge part of it it's doing it or me, none the less I thanked him for finally seeking out help. I love this man with my whole heart, and really would like for him to recover so we can have a future together, but I knw that is most of addicsts' partners out there. Should I support him while he is in rehab? Are all crack users a hopeless cases? Would rehab do it for him since he's in a large part doing it for me? He seems willing to stay there and work on a programm,,,but should I stick by him, or should I forget about him? God I do love him, but...

ANSWER: Hello Marcella,very sorry for the delay in my response.

You are in a very difficult position and just to let you know,you are seriously not alone in this. So many girls write in to me who have not done drugs themselves and are not familiar with the drug world and they have boyfriends who are addicts and as always they are asking their drug free girlfriends to help them-it is a very common situation and one that needs hard thinking about.

An addict can only stop when they are ready to. Promises of doing it for their girlfriends/family cannot stand up. It has and only can be a decision to quit by themselves and thats the truth of the matter.

You can spend more and more time on this merry-go-round where he says he will promise to stop,goes back to it and then promise some more etc..etc..etc..-its never ending. He has to prove to you-if he sais he is doing it for you-that he can beat it and the way for you to go ahead is to tell him he has to be a year clean before you pick your relationship again. Sounds harsh but its ultimately good for you both. He has some much needed clean time and self re-building  and to prove his love to you and you will thus see whether he can keep his promises,its the only way to do it otherwise you will be going round and round in circles and it will never end until one of you or both of you take a stand. Do you see what I man?

Also this one year clean stipulation will ultimately tell you what your future with him will be. If he can't do it then you will endure a lot more of what its already like-its not going to get any better. The harsh reality of all this is that addiction is serious business and 3 days clean,3 weeks clean even 3 months clean is just not long enough. Addiction is an ongoing battle even 2 years down the line. You have to be so vigilant and basically its no easy ride.

So,with that in mind you have got to decide. If you want my further support,encouragement and advice then feel free to write to me again and i promise to be honest with you and help you as much as I can. He must be under your local Drug and Alcohol Service so maybe asking them to have a few sessions where a counselor/keyworker sits down with you both and helps with your relationship could be very helpful. Also for you to maybe a support system of partners of addicts could prove beneficial so have a look whats available in you area.

I know all this is tough and as I said,I am here if you need some more support. I wish you both all the best and listen to your gut instincts,they are seldom wrong. Take care, Caroline.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Caroline, thank you so much for your response. Deep down inside what you are telling me is what Iīve known for a long while. Heīs asked for me to be the only visitor he has at the rehab center and I feel like heīs just turning the guilt trip on me. Last Saturday he started talking about how he wants for us to get married and have children, it was just so unreal. I admit I did see him as the potential father of my kids, but after all heīs put me through I wouldnīt dare putting a little one at risk. I have talked to my teraphist about this and the truth is Iīm planing on relocating to a differet country by the end of the year, not enough time at all for me to see whether he has really changed. I donīt know how to tell him, or even if I should tell him Iīm leaving. I really donīt want him to leave the rehab center...for him, but mostly for my own peace of mind. How should I handle this? I hope and pray to God he will get better, maybe this time he will do it right, but relapse is always around the corner and I canīt deal with this anymore. Plus I believe that as long as he has his mom enabling him, heīs very unlikely to feel the real consequences of his addiction and change. Marcella

ANSWER: Hey Marcella (time management in this reply to you is a bit better than last time!!)

I will tell you one thing and that is DO NOT AGREE TO MARRY HIM!! When someones in Rehab and they are getting detoxed off the drugs and they are feeling good again they think its all over BUT...the real test is when that person comes out of Rehab and back into the real world and I can tell you that the percentages for someone staying clean when they get out is extremely low and many within a few days/weeks/months (usually within a few days) go back to using. I've done it,many,many friends and acquaintances have done the same also.

Being in Rehab is like being in a 'bubble' its not real and there are such poor provisions for the client to come out to. There are many professionals who don't believe in Rehab and I agree with them-I too think its a waste of money and everyones time. So what he is feeling now I doubt very much will translate when he gets out.

As for you relocating-I am glad to hear it. Many girlfriends stay with their addict BF's for them and puts all their dreams on the back burner or totally forgets about them, so I am thrilled that you have plans to get on with your life so well done and hang on to that.

With regards to telling him-its a tricky one to find the best time. I think that you should tell him as soon as possible while he is in Rehab because at least while his in there he has access to fellow clients for support and there are staff there that could help him through it so I think you should tell him while he is in there.

Now down to your fears about telling him. If you tell him and he leaves,that is HIS responsibility and you mustn't feel guilty. This would be another test of his commitment to you. If he stays there then he is doing it for himself and serious about you and you still may pick up the relationship again but if he leaves after you have told him then he was never serious of quitting drugs in the first place. Its also incredibly manipulative of him if he leaves as he will be trying to send you a message that its your fault why he left and it most certainly isn't and he will be putting a huge guilt trip onto you-that certainly is not love and don't buy into it.

Keep chatting to your therapist,keep hold of your dreams and the relocation,keep you children safe and do what you feel deep down is right. You have the answers there and I am already sure you will pick the best path. Its great to hear of an addicts partner to not give up their lives for these men and pursue their dreams.

I wish you all the best and making the right choices,keep strong and if you want to write in again then by all means feel free to. Take care, Caroline

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Caroline... I just wanted to give you an update on the now over story with my ex. I found out last Saturday that he had been sleeping with men for drug money. It came like an absolut shock to me!!! I felt betrayed, trashed, dissapointed. I can say I walked ut of the rehab center without any feelings of hate towards him but a huge understanding of just how sick he is. I had fell in love with a man that never really existed. I read what addcitsīpartners write on how when he is not on rugs heīs this and that..Well, but they are on drugs and canīt do much besides that. he was never the good father I imagined, or the husband that was supportive and hard working. Those were all proyections and hopes. I hope God helps him to stop before he ends up dead. Heīs decided to stay in the rehab center, so I guess that is a good thing. I just errased him and anyone related to him from my contacts, email...my life. I have to wait another month to get tested for HIV, I pray to go everything will be fine and blame myself for having been so naive. I am onto taking care of me, I canīt do anything for him, and even if I could I simply donīt want to anymore. Thank you so much for your support, and I hope all women out there in this kind of situation think it twice before sticking with an active addict...If I ever had a kid with my ex and genetic did its thing, it would had been competely my fault. God bless

Answer
Hi Marcella,

What a turn out.I am so glad that you have seen all this before it was too late.Sleeping with men for drug money is not good at all.Its just another indicator that he is NO WHERE near sorting himself out because he did that while he was meant to be under treatment.I have to admit I am shocked but also not surprised as I know what lengths addicts go to to get money.

Do you see now that no matter what you did or said it wouldn't help him? only he can do it for himself. I too hope he makes it but once again reality jumps in as its just not that easy to quit even with the best of help out there.I am so glad you wrote in and I wish all the other girls in your situation would have the same amount of willpower and determination you have and above all-some much needed self esteem.

You've seen it all for what it is and theres not much else I can say.Keep those numbers/emails erased,go get your HIV results and I am hopeful it will be ok.One thing else is that you need to consider having a Hepatitis B and esp Hepatitis C test done as those illnesses are rife with addicts even more so than HIV and they are life threatening so try and get those two tests done aswell.

I wish you all the best,you have done great and a real testament to all the other girls out there who are in the same situation and hopefully if they ever read your story here they will be inspired.Take care and keep going. Caroline.