AboutJacqui Expertise I am committed to Harm reduction (is it a dirty word in America??), a philosophy which acknowledges that people are going to continue to use drugs despite all of the effort put into stopping it (case in point - US government drug war ... trillions of dollars, people still using ... hello??) Anyway, I advocate to support people who use drugs by reducing the harms associated with their use through needle and syringe programs, advocating for drug law reform (alcohol legal, marijuana not ... go figure?). I currently manage a service that provides primary health care, health education and needle and syringe program to people who inject. I have also worked as an "on the ground" worker for many years and am currently studying a Masters in Clinical Psychology. Happy to answer questions about blood borne viruses such as HIV and hepatitis C, questions about dependency on opiates and other substances. Questions about treatment (particulary methadone and buprenorphine). Questions about harm reduction and why we bother with it. I can try to answer questions about drug tests. As an alternative to my fellow experts, I won't be judging anyone. If anyone has taken a sip of a coffee, or drunk a beer, then ... well we are all drug users, and I don't think we are going to see an end to it! Deal with the real, I say.
Experience Manage a primary health service for people who inject drugs, and have worked at that centre for 7 years
Organizations Registered as a provisional psychologist with the Victorian Psychologists registration board (this is for psychologists working under supervision or currently studying a masters). Much of my experience is related to my work rather than to my studies
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Arts (Humanities), Bachelor of Psychology with Honours,
currently studying a masters of clinical psychology, completed one half of a graduate certificate in Addiction studies (transferred to psychology as it had better career prospects) - lots and lots of short training courses.
Awards and Honors Presented at international conferences (Harm Reduction Conference in Thailand and Melbourne)
I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now and he is an ex-addict. His drug of choice - prescription pills. He was prescribed Oxycontin and became highly addicted to it.
For the past 8 months, he has been on methadone and clean. From day one, he has been very honest with me about his past, his feelings and his treatment. Any questions I had, he did his best to answer.
Problem is, we live in a very small community and recently rumors surfaced that my boyfriend was seen with active users (of the same drug he was addicted to). He told me he was with them, but it was only because she gave him a ride somewhere ( I was gone and he ran into her and asked for a ride).
I panicked and got really mad at first. I kept asking him to be honest with me and if he relapsed to let me know. I would rather the truth, then lies. He denied and said that he was only in there for a ride and later admitted that it was stupid of him to be seen with those people because obviously it would get around and people talk.
I decided maybe we needed sometime apart. I still was confused and didn't know what to believe. But then I remember he gets drug tested and if he failed a test - I would know. He would get cut off methadone (he gets a ride everday to the clinic, with me or with his mom).
A few hours prior to our argument. He showed up at my house crying, saying he did slip up but not with pills. That he did cocaine. He told me (while crying and shaking profusely) that he bought some and only did a line. He said he immediately felt bad and hated himself and flushed the rest down the toilet. He cried and said he was sorry, he didn't deserve me, I didn't deserve this etc... Once again,
I became very confused and took some time to mule things over.
I ended up forgiving him. I appreciate his honesty. However now I'm scared that he will do it again. What's to say he hasn't abused prescription drugs that weekend I was away as well? Is there any way to fool a drug test? Because if he passes that would wipe away some of my fear and doubt.
Also, a friend of mine dated a "pill addict" and she told me that all they do is lie and that I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth.
I really want to believe him but now I'm just really confused and I don't know where to go from here. I also hate how being from such a small community everything becomes everyone's business. It really bothers me that people now think I am dating a "pillhead". I feel like I always have to defend him and myself. I just want people to like him and see what I see. He is trying to change, why should his past be held against him forever?
ANSWER: Hi Dayna,
I get so many messages like this and I always ask one question - how does it affect you if he did take a pill? You and I probably have very different approaches to drug use, but I abide by a philosophy called Harm Reduction which basically believes that humans will use drugs, and by throwing people in jail, or rejecting them from society, or stopping them from getting health care, or lining them up in front of a firing squad (yes all of those things happen), we are only hurting the individual and not doing anything to stop drug use.
Anyway --- do you love your partner because of who he is, or because he has stopped using drugs? Do you drink alcohol? Have you ever smoked cigarettes? I don't think we should ever judge others for putting a substance in our bodies.
There is, however, a couple of other issues. The first is - how much do you care what the local gossips think? If the answer is "a lot" then you may have difficulty having a relationship with someone with a 'history'. I would suggest that you are a bit less superficial than that and probably care for your partner a lot.
The second thing is the question of whether his dependency directly affected you. What I mean by this is DIRECTLY. Did he take money from you? Did he steal stuff? Did he invite a bunch of columbian cartel members into your house? If the answer is "yes", then there might be a good reason for you to be concerned he has used, and perhaps say that you are really worried be might go back to bringing the Columbians around, and don't want to have to live them that. I actually think that you are worried about a couple of things - one is that you, like most other people, believe the rhetoric about drug users (that they are all lying, stealing, wife beating, loosers) and that you are worried that your partner may wake up one morning and be this person. You said your friend dated a "pill addict" and that all he did was lie. Well I dated an Arts Student once, and he was incabable of motivating himself, so by that logic - all Art students are lazy slobs. There is, perhaps, one reason why someone who is using illegal substances might lie and that is because society might reject them. Seems like a pretty good reason doesn't it? If I thought my partner was going to leave me for taking a substance, I wouldn't run to tell him about it. If you would like your partner to be honest, don't hang punishment over his head.
Alternatively, you might be worried about him. You might be worried about him being arrested or overdosing. If this is the case, then you need to speak to him and tell him that. Think about what you want. Of course, no one wants a partner in jail, but as I said above, you are probably not encouraging honesty. It is great to say "please be honest about if you use" but if the person thinks you are going to freak out, then of course they are not going to be honest.
If you care about him and still want the relationship then speak to him. Tell him what you are worried about. In fact, before you speak to him, write it down. Actually write down what you are worried about. If the main thing is that you are worried about being seen to be in a relationship with a "pill head", then perhaps you shouldn't be in the relatinoship. That is fair. I wouldn't be in a relationship with a "republican". We don't have to be in relationships that we don't want to. But if you love this guy then be honest.
One final tip about having 'serious discussions'. I always advise people to avoid use of the word "you". Don't sit down to a discussion and say "you do this, you do that". No one likes that and he will just shut off. It is much better to discuss things from your perspective. "I am worried that we may come into problems because of what people in this stupid small town think" (you could also remind the people in the small town that your last three presidents were drug users - it is helpful it was the last three because it covers both parties!! And your boyfriend has something in common with the following people:
Barrack Obama
George Bush
Ray Charles
David Crosby
Salvador Dali
Thomas Edison
Sigmund Freud
Bill Gates
Tipper Gore
Angelina Jolie
and I could go on and on
I know that I keep saying "one more thing". But I realise I have been quite hard on you. I want to tell you that you are being affected by things that matter to us all - being accepted by our community. You are also concerned because of your partner's previous dependency on drugs. Obviously he doesn't want to go back to being dependent (although he is dependent on methadone ... that's a whole other discussion). You are clearly pretty bright, and for you to reach out to an online support service is significant. If this really continues to be a huge issue for you, you might like to look at some peer supports - although I am not sure what would be available in a small town. Peer support can sometimes be in the form of other people who have had family who used drugs. They can be helpful when going through these kinds of things. I am happy to offer you more feedback (although you may not want it after this barrage!) The other thing that might be helpful is some relationship counselling. Family Therapy is a great model to use for relationships because it comes from a "neutral blame" stance - in that no one is at fault and that we all respond to cues from other people. Again though, small towns are difficult for this kind of thing because everyone knows your business.
Dayne, best wishes with everything. Stay safe.
Jacqui
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Jacqui,
Thanks for your response. I did not find it rude in any way, in fact I thought it was eye-opening. I just feel like there is so much I don't know. Although I'm not certain that I agree 100% with your view on harm reduction, in a way I can understand. I do feel as though, people will take drugs and mistakes can happen, I just don't feel as though that should be held against a person forever.
I think when it comes to him taking pills again, what scares me is that it would HURT me, to see him hurting himself like that. I just feel like he's so much better than that - above it. I don't know how I would be able to deal with it, if it did happen. I wasn't with him when he was doing the drugs, we only started dating during his "recovery" so his addiction has not DIRECTLY affected me.
I just feel like I'm taking on a lot more then I had originally thought. I don't think I'm concerned about what my community thinks, so much as what my friends and family think. I hate that they might think he's lying to me and the others are right about him. I WANT my family to love him and see the good qualities that I do. Yet I feel like I always have to defend him or make excuses and it's becoming tiring.
With him, everyday must be a struggle? A challenge. Meanwhile I feel like my heart is on a thin ice. I'm afraid a relapse would break it and I wouldn't be able to handle it. In my head, it all seemed so easy. I didn't put much thought into the whole thing, until this story surfaced of him hanging out with users. That hurt me.
I feel like now I'm always like where you going? When you are gonna be back?... etc....That's not right. I feel like the trust factor is wavering. I don't think I should have to feel afraid/worried every time I leave him alone. I am not a babysitter.
Overall, I think I am just really worried about him. Before we met, he went through a lot of rough stuff. His parents divorced, his grandparents died, he got addicted to pills and spent time in and out of jail (not for violent of drug-related problems). Now, he's on the road to recovery and seems like his really wants to get his life back. He always tells me how much he needs me/loves me. Now I feel like I'm his "rescuer" or something like that. I sometimes get scared because I feel like his fate hangs in my hands. I always say don't be getting better for me, do it for you. He replies saying it is for him but I've helped him and he doesn't know what he'd do without me. So now I just feel a lot of pressure. I feel that same pressure from his mother as well. Like whenever we get into an argument, it's like she's always making excuses for him and telling me not to run away at a time like this, he needs me etc... I just feel like a weight on my shoulders.
Don't get me wrong, I love him I really do, I just don't think I can handle him going back down that road.
Answer Hi Dayna,
I am glad you responsed. You are in a difficult situation as it sounds like your partner has much bigger problems than just former drug use. I understand that it would hurt you if he used, but why? I am by no means trying to justify what he is doing, but just trying to understand it better. Is it because it is an activity that you can't be involved in together?
Obviously, this has caused him big problems in the past, but to get him to tell the truth, you need to be able to accept that truth. As I said last time, asking him a question and demanding honesty doesnt' work if you will only accept one answer and not the other (i.e.: no I haven't used or yes I have).
Although it sounds like both of you want the same thing, supporting someone with former drug use problems might mean dealing with the odd relapse. It is not uncommon for people who have got over a dependency to relapse once or twice - in fact it would be unusual if they didn't. Unfortunately, what can often happen is that if there is a 'slip up' and the person is rejected, or scolded or yelled at, then they feel isolated and "well what the hell, everyone thinks I am useless anyway" and sometimes the relapse becomes a habit again. I am not saying that being supportive works every time either, but it is a lot more helpful that "tough love" (which there is no evidence to support).
I must reiterate though, it is of course all up to you. And if you don't want to be with someone who has used illicit drugs then you don't have to.
Dayna I wish you all of the best. One final note is that I really think some relationship counselling might be really good for you guys. Is there any possibility of this? It may just mean that you learn good ways to communicate your concerns and feelings to each other.
