Expert: Caroline West - 6/5/2009

Question
boyfriends dealin with a 20 yr addiction to herion. been in many rehabs along the way, stayed cleaned for a short time only to return to his addiction. we meet up 3 yrs ago. he has been clean before only to fall down a few times. He seems to do alot better when he is in a rehab center with alot of rules to follow. Hes livingg in a sober house but unfortunatly the men runin it seem to not hav to many rules there. My gut tells me hes doin something, i dont see any needle marks but his behaver tells me otherwise,i check for pinned eyes, but dont see it. When he comes out of the bathroom alot of time hes holding a tissue... its cleaned i looked but i dont know why he continues to hold it in his hand? Herion is his drug of choice, if hes snortin it or smokin it i shuold be able to hear that goin on in the bathroom but i dont hear it..I recently told him i no your usin  an that your choice but i dont hav to live with it. This has been along 3 yrs of the same things an i dont think i can take it anymore but i dont want to push him over the edge if i tell him i am done with him.That would kill him.What can i do? Thanks

Answer
Hi Debbie luv, very sorry for the lateness in response-one of those weeks.

When addicts go into Rehab they are in a 'bubble' which means its not real. In there you have 24hr support,meet people,have your meals etc.. but the problem is that when the now clean addict returns to the 'real world',there are little follow up provisions and thats why 95% relapse on coming home from Rehab.

Its not just returning to the same area-those that decide to move when they get out still relapse. Drugs can be found everywhere. It takes a whole heap of support,determination and commitment to stop using. Myself and a number of professionals all do not believe in Rehabs-for most its just a very expensive opportunity of having some clean time.

Your boyfriend could have made up an injection anywhere OR he is snorting it which doesn't make noise. If he locks himself into the bathroom in my mind he is up to something. When you live with a partner you both pee and poo in front of eachother so if he locks himself in then he is using. On bringing out the tissue in his hand is very suspicious-I mean how many people come out of a loo holding a tissue?? he no doubt has a needle or snorting paraphernalia wrapped up. I think your feelings are valid and correct,maybe you just don't want to believe he is using again.

Debbie you are absolutely right-why should you have to put up with an addict who is still using and lying about it-not good. For your sake ask yourself what you really want. Do you still want to be in the same position in 1 years time,5 years time?? I can't tell you what to do except listen to that inner voice and your gut instincts-they are seldom wrong.

I will tell you right now-it will not kill him. He will cope and your fear for his safety is taking the focus away from you and again all your energies back on him-its a drain. He will be ok and if he isn't then it is not your responsibility,its down to him what he wants to do and one thing I will say-every time he jacks up or smokes/snorts and he feels so good-he will most certainly not want to kill himself then coz the rush is to nice-do you get what I am saying?. Its playing on your heart strings-I had the same with my ex boyfriend as well as countless other women have experienced the same.

Have a think,look at what you want for your future and whether you will get it with him. Do a bit of soul searching and please remember that you are NOT responsible for him. I felt exactly the same with my ex-I though he would die if I left him and now he has moved to and started working in another area and is doing the best he has been in years. So please do not worry at all-addicts are very resourceful people believe me-I didn't die either!

I really hope I have helped and I am always here if you want to write in again and I'm with you 100%. Take care, Caroline