Expert: Charles I. - 7/25/2009

Question
I've been told my partner has been doing cocaine for a while.  Alcohol is an issue but I see she's trying to control.  3kids and a great job but alot of past family issues and abuse.  I can't find anything substance to prove. Signs are there in the past.  Sex drive up and down, lies, headaches, cold flu, runny nose, depression. Friends would never say but I suspect which ones are involved.  Lately things are going ok but I'm not sure what to do.  I can't sleep and I think about it alot.  I'm keeping cool but difficult. She goes away alot and works alot of hours - OT. Do I ask even if she seems to be trying?

Answer
Good morning George,

I think it would be a great idea if you ask her how she is doing. Now, you want to do it in a caring and loving way...you don't want to come across sounding like you are accusing her of anything. Since she is, obviously, an important part of your world so should her substance use disorder. You guys are a part of an intimate relationship and honesty has to be the foundation for that relationship. When you guys talk, you should reinforce the fact that she can always come to you about anything, that you love her, and that you want to always be there for her. Hopefully if something is up she will feel comfortable enough to confide in you. For now that is all you can really do. If the source who told you she has been using coke is truly reliable, then you might include that in your discussion with her. I can't tell you exactly what to talk to her about because you know how she would react to certain questions compared to others, but you are obviously concerned for her well being and I certainly believe it is something you guys should discuss. I hope this is a little help and please know you will be in my prayers.

Charles