Expert: Charles I. - 8/5/2009

Question
QUESTION: My Boyfriend, who's a recovering addict(meth), and I have been dating off and on for 1 1/2 yrs. He's been using meth off and on since he was 13 yrs old, he is now 35 yrs old. The first year we dated, I was unaware of his addiction. While we were on a break I had heard through the grapvine that he had gotten pulled over and taken in for drug possesion which was shocking to me. We then got back together and he told me he was no longer using and was even going to a court appointed class every day but he wouldn't talk much about his addiction or his class. We break up again (not related to his drug use) and remain friends. 5 months ago he gets pulled over and gets taken in for posession and violation of his probation. He's in jail for 2 months. Throughout that time I visit him every weekend. He tells me that he's had a lot of time to think and that he wants us to be together. He's 149 days sober today and attends drug classes 5 days a week and meetings 7 days a week, both court appointed. He seems to be doing great and is very focused on his recovery. He is very open about his meetings and his addiction and has even volunteered at the NA convention and to be guest speaker at some meetings. Ever since he got out I'd seem him atleast once every other day. This past month however I barely see him once a week and he only lives 15 min away. He claims he's busy working on his steps but yet he doesn't really call or text me much either. I've noticed he's been distant with me lately and I can't figure out why. He's told me before that he feels bad because sometimes he doesn't feel like seeing anybody, including me but to not take it personal. I just think it's gone beyond that considering I don't see or hear much from him this past month. Is this normal behavior in a recovering addict? I've told him that I sometimes resent his sponsor/meetings for taking my time with him away from me and I hate feeling that way because I know his recovery comes first and I also feel excluded from his recovery because I don't attent meetings with him nor have I met his sponsor, but he tells me that that's HIS thing. I'm sorry if some of this information is not relevant but I just wanted to know if this sound like normal behavior or perhaps he just wants out of the relationship. I told him I was skeptical about getting into a relationship with him again because I know the first year recovering addicts should not be in intimate relationships but he didn't think it would be a problem.

ANSWER: Hi Erin,

Everybody's recovery is different. So is your boyfriend's actions normal for a recovering addict? Hard to say! Something that raises a flag to me is his unwillingness for you to participtae in his recovery. One thing that I stress to all of my clients, is that they should incorporate their positive family and friends into their recovery. So often when we are active in our addiction we push those valuable people away from us, thus isolating ourselves even further. Something that a person who is actively persuing their recovery doesn't want to do is to isolate them selves from their healthy support groups (ie. good, sober friends; supportive family members, sponsors...etc.). It is possible that he is really consuming all his time with his recovery. Understand that recovery is a 24/7 365 day task. It is something that we have to work on everyday...for the rest of our lives. Remember that recovery is not an event...it is a process, and that process takes a lifetime.
I'm not a big fan of relationships during the first year of recovery. The first year is about rediscovering who you are, what you like and don't like and even getting to like and respect yourself again. When I see clients who become involved in a relationship it tends, very often, to limit that person's recovery becasue it limits the time they can spend soley on themselves. I know that sounds pretty selfish, but frankly recovery has to be the most selfish thing an addict ever does.
The two suggestions I would give to you are these:
(1) Contact Al-anon and find a meeting in your area that you can attend. You can find them on the internet at www.Al-anon.alateen.org and they should be able to help you locate a meeting near you. You might even check your local phone book to see if there is a listing for one in your area. Although Al-anon is geared toward the families of alcoholics, it could still offer you a wealth of support as you try to work through this. It will  allow you speak to other people who are trying to live with people who have addictions. It basically is a family and friends of addicts support group.
(2) I would suggest that you and your boyfriend sit down and talk. You need to express to him that you want to be part of his world, which includes his recovery. You need to express to him how you are feeling. One thing I would suggest is not to tell him you resent the amount of time he is spending on his recovery. You just have to accept that right now it is about him and his recovery...you will have to take at least second place in his life. I know that sounds really harsh, but look at it like this; unless he can get a good handle on his recovery and he can maintain a drug-free life you guys will not have much of a future together anyway.
I know this can be very difficult for you...but know it is also a difficult time for him as well. I hope this gives you a little direction and know you guys will be in my prayers.

Charles


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Charles for your response to my question, it was very helpful. My boyfriend has told me on several occasions that he needs to be selfish right now and focused on his recovery, I truly do understand that and am very supportive of what he's doing. When I expressed my concern that I've yet to attend meetings with him or meet his sponsor he said that most everyone at the meetings do not bring their significant others and he's not trying to exclude me but that that's HIS thing right now. He does talk a lot about what he shares in meetings and such. In your response you stated that that raised a red flag. Is it something I should be worried about or bring up again? A couple of weeks ago had also looked into Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings, unfortunately Nar-Anon is not offered close to home and upon researching Al-Anon it seemed that it is geared only for those who have alcoholics in their lives only. Any suggestions?

Answer
Hi Erin,

Good questions! I don't think you need to bring it up again. He seems to have explained himself pretty well. AA/NA meetings each have their own dynamics and maybe that is the way it is with his meetings. The meetings are just time for the members to be together without outside influence or distraction...and that's okay. From the bit more info that you gave me in your follow-up question, it appears that he does include you to an extent by telling what he shared in his meetings and such. As I said in my initial reply, I like to have my clients incorporate their families and loved ones into their recovery...I think it is healthy and it was a part of my own recovery. Having said that, let me add that everyone's recovery is different and what works for me may not work for you and vice-versa. When an individual in recovery begins to isolate themselves from their loved ones...it is often an indicator of relapse. I don't think that is the case right now. He seems entrenched in his recovery and it must be working because, as you mentioned, he has 149 days clean. THAT'S AWESOME!!   :-)  I think the best thing you can do right now is show him love and patience...be there for him and let him know that he can always confide in you about anything. Right now he's rediscovering who he is and that takes time.

It really is ashame that there isn't more Nar-Anon meetings around and it is an endless frustration of mine. I do believe though, that Al-Anon can be beneficial for you because, understand this, an addiction is an addiction is an addiction. I don't care if it is about drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food...etc. The process of addiction and how it must be handled by loved ones of the addict is pretty much the same. So many people forget this...alcohol is a drug!! I don't know why it is categorized differently...probably because drinking is a whole lot more accepted than taking meth or other drugs. The bottom line is, it can be a place that you can talk to other people who have experienced the same feelings and questions that you have right now. I would say, give Al-Anon a shot...the worse thing that can happen is you realize it isn't much of a help...but I don't really think that'll be the case. Another thing you  may try is to find online Nar-Anon meetings. You appear to be computer savy, and even though you don't have the direct eye to eye contact it is still a good means of support and advise. You might contact Nar-Anon's headquarters to see if they can help you find an online site that you can join. I hope this helps to make things a bit more clearer for you. Good luck and know you will be in my prayers.

Charles