Expert: Jacqui - 8/20/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Jacqui,

My boyfriend has been using heroin for the past ten years. He has been clean at times, though not while I have known him (only a few months, longest he's been clean has been two weeks). Today he's having a really bad day. I know that by him using he will hate himself more because it provides no relief (or very short-lasting relief) from his demons. He is extremely stressed because my family is not happy that I am with him (the whole stigma of heroin addicts) and I was stupid enough to show him a letter they had written voicing their concerns.

He is desperate to get off it, but cannot help himself right now. I understand addiction and its hold because I myself am addicted to self-harm. I was a non-cutter for 4.5 years until earlier this year when I started again. However I do understand that it's a different addiction because it doesn't have the physical effects of drug use, it doesn't cost any money, but it just provides that relief.

What I need to know, is how exactly I can help. I can be there for him, I can try my hardest to discourage him from using, I can restrict the amount of money he has at any one time, I can point out the benefits of not using and the reminder that he does not want the next ten years to be the same as the past ten years. On the other hand, I will not withold my love for him, I will not withold money from him if he will just get the drug anyway (getting on for someone else, etc), it does not make me love him any less; I need to keep his trust and ensure that he does not just go underground.

Right now, I am the only person in his world who is not on the drug scene. This makes things difficult because he is always having "mates" wanting him to get on for them, give them intros, offering him a fix, etc.

He is on the bup program and doing fairly well with getting dosed each day, but not currently seeing a counsellor. He has huge anxiety problems and has had serious addiction to benzos. Yesterday he managed to get 25 Mogadon, but lied to me and said they gave him 4 to tide him over. I had to go out for a couple of hours. I made him give me the 2 he said he had left, but when I'd got back he'd taken most of the rest before I discovered he had actually been given 25. He now has 6 left which are in my safe-keeping. He has now gone out to use, I have given him the money because he is in such a state. He wishes he had told me about them giving him 25 and said the only reason they allowed him to have that many is because he was going to surrender the whole lot to me.

He has good intentions, allows himself to kid himself that it's better if I don't know and he just takes the whole lot, then beats himself up because he's f#cked up, uses heroin, then the whole cycle starts again.

Where can I get some good education on all of this?

Thanks for listening and I really appreciate any advice you can give, whether I am doing the right thing, or not. I certainly gave him the money today as a harm-reduction measure, though I know he will not be happier (and in fact even more upset with himself afterwards).

Rachel

ANSWER: Hi Rachel,

Thanks for your question and I hope that you are okay.

Firstly, you are in a difficult situation.  It sounds, like many people, that you are dealing with your own problems.  Firstly, I would say that I personally don't think it is a great idea to be the 'holder of someone's money' because as a girlfriend, it puts you in a difficult position.  It can confuse the relationship and, as you say, if he wants to get on, he will find a way.  It is just a potential for an argument.  

I think, from what you are saying, you are actually doing all that you can.  You understand the stigma of drug use, you love him unconditinally, and you realise that if people want to use, they will find a way.  What you need to do is decide what YOU want and how much you are prepared to deal with.  I have known people to be in relationships with users that have been okay, but the problems can start when there are financial issues or arguments about wanting to be with someone who isn't drug affected all of the time.

It is great that you are adhering to a more harm reduction approach, but it also isn't up to you to do all of that on your own.  I would suggest that you seek some professional support to help you to come up with some strategies/boundaries or to make a decision about the relationship.  I understand that he is feeling terrible, and the guilt around drug use is so strong that people often hate themselves, especially if there is a family that isn't particularly sympathetic.

If you would like to let me know what state you are in, I could come up with some services that might be able to help.  

Remember, your own wellbeing is important as well.

Let me know,

Jacqui

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Jacqui,

Thank you so much for your reply and your advice. Today he's having his first better day for a while, actually has been almost a week since he used last (didn't get to use the other day), which means he's doing as well as I am with my cutting at the moment.

I am seeing a psychologist and have a psychiatrist appointment in a couple of weeks. I know there are some serious things he needs to get through which have happened in his past which right now (most of the time) he refuses to face. I know the heroin use will not be overcome without actually working through the issues behind it.

He does have an appointment tomorrow with the dr to get a referral to a counsellor or psychologist, etc. He scored low on the depression scale, but extremely high on the anxiety scale.

We are in the ACT if you know of any good services available. I work full-time but he is on Centrelink right now.

Thanks so much,
Rachel

Answer
Hey Rachel,

It sounds like you have quite a lot of supports which is great, and probably not a good idea to change things if you have good existing relationships with counsellors.  

As far as services in Canberra, there is Directions (http://www.directionsact.com/programs) which is a harm reduction service that provides drug treatment, Needle and Syringe Program and other supports (including counselling).  However, if you have already arranged a referral to a counsellor for your partner, I would go ahead with that, and see how it pans out.  He is obviously also linked in with a GP for his bupe so that is good.  

Finally, CAHMA is a service for current users that is peer based.  Although they aren't about treatment and getting people off drugs, they do work around reducing stigma and may run activities that he could get involved in.  

I hope all goes well Rachel, and don't forget your own issues (although it sounds like you are doing pretty well and a strong person!).  Let me know how things go.

Stay safe (and your partner too)

Jacqui