Expert: Charles I. - 8/11/2009

Question
Hello there,
My ex husband, and father to my 8 y/o son that by the way has brain cancer, is addicted to cocaine. He is also missing and has been for 7 weeks now. I have a pretty good idea where he is, but he obviously does not want to come home. He has lost his house, his truck, and now his job. I guess my question is how do I help our son deal with this crap? He and his dad were at one time VERY close as we used to have joint custody. Our son does not know why daddy won't call or come and see him. I just tell him that daddy is very sick right now. I have tried contacting Intervention to see if they could help, but never heard back from them. I am about to go crazy!! I cry myself to sleep every night over this, and it just consumes me. Our son needs his daddy in his life and I just don't understand how he can do this!!!! Please help me =(

Answer
Hi Sara,

My heart goes out to you and the situation you are enduring currently. Basically all you can do is to put your effort where it needs to be currently...with your son. I think you have already done what you can by telling your son that his father is sick...it's the truth. You can reassure your son that his father loves him but can't be with him right now. This is the ugly truth of addiction...it becomes all consuming. A poem I'm familiar with about cocaine demonstrates this where it says:
"I'll make a school boy forget his books; I'll make a beauty queen forget her looks; I'll take a renowned speaker and make him a bore; I'll take your mother and make her a whore; I'll make a school teacher forget how to teach; I'll make your preacher not want to preach; I'll take all your money and you'll be evicted; I'll murder your babies and have them born addicted; I'll make you rob, steal, and kill; When under my power you have no will."
Understand that you ex is being driven by his addiction...sadly when this occurs, there isn't much rational thought.
Your ex is a grown man who is, sadly, making some very poor decisions that is obviously having a detrimental affect on his life...but even sadder it is having an affect on you and your son's lives. There is nothing you can do about him; he is not going to change until he wants to change...so you have to focus on your son. If you have tried to contact intervention and they haven't contacted you back...keep trying! Don't give up! If necessary contact the crisis line in your area for suggestions for where to turn for professional advice. You may also contact Al-anon. Check in your local phone director to see if they are listed or go to                www.Al-Anon.alateen.org to see if they can help you find a meeting near you. Al-anon could be a world of support for you right now.
This is tough position you are in, but you are going to have to remain strong for your son...he needs you right now. You say you know where your ex might be, you may possibly see if you can find him and try to speak with him about his son if you feel safe doing so. Unfortunately, the reality may be that he is in no condition to see his son even if he wanted to. If he has some immediate family members who are aware of his problem you may want to take them with you as a sort of intervention. How will he react? I certainly don't know; you would have to make that decision...but I would only do it if there is no possible danger to yourself.
This is one of those questions where there is no cut and dried answer or solution. I would suggest that if you have family close to where you live, use them for support. Talk with them about how you are feeling and how your son is feeling. Your family may help to fill the gap your ex has left behind in your son's life. Stay strong and I'll be praying.

Charles