Expert: Jacqui - 8/12/2009

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we are expecting a baby in less than a month. When we first met, he was using cocaine and doing pills. He did stop doing both 100% cold turkey or I would not have given him the time of day other wise. Recently he has been sneaky, dishonest, angry and just not himself at all. Might I add he is one of the greatest guys I know. I have never found anyone who has treated me like gold. He does anything and everything for me. He is not just like this towards me he would help anyone who asked for it. But things have changed. I have been finding little saucers of water around our home and he has been acting weird. Recently he got sick and we found out he had hepatitis. He left the hospital AMA. He was just not himself. Finally, when I knew he was up to something I walked in on him purposely to try to catch him snorting pills or coke. But I found him shooting heroin. I lost all control and all I could do was hug him and tell him we needed to get him help. We have a baby on the way and no money for detox at a clinic or rehab. I love him so much and I just want the man back I once knew. I want my best friend back. We just cried all night and he said he has been wanting to tell me about this but he thought I would look at him different. He said he is so happy that I did catch him because he could never of told me about it and now he knows he has to stop. He admits to doing heroin for 2 months, snorting it at first and then recently shooting up. Might I add I know nothing about heroin or any drug for that matter and he told me he was using half a balloon of heroin every couple of days for 2 months. (not a lot right??) IDK..He said he really wants and needs help. He hates himself for doing it and I told him I was here for him and help him as much as I can. The first few days of not having it were okay and he was pretty sick but it is now the 7th day that I know of that he is sober. We have done nothing but fight over the most ridiculous, petty things. I just don't know what to do. I know he needs more help than what I can give him but I thought since maybe he was not doing heroin for very long and not in large doses and really wanting to stop for himself, he would be able to do it all from home. Again, we have no money to get him professional help.  He says he knows what his life is like with out the drug and he wants that life back but its hard and he needs help. He said once he goes through the worse part of detoxing and he is better he will never do heroin again because he knows what its doing to him and us and he does not want that. And he does not want to hurt himself. When I try to help he just gets mad at me. He willingly gives me his pay from work and I buy what he needs or give him money when I know it will be used properly. He was fine with it at first but that did not last long. He recently told me he does not want to be with me anymore and I am worried about him and what I am doing wrong. What can I do to save him and our relationship? I want my baby to grow up with a father in her life and to meet the great person I once knew. I told him how much I care and love him, that I want to help and I am fighting this battle with him and I will not lose him to heroin but it seems like the drug is too powerful and is tearing us apart. I know he wants the same thing, I know he loves me and he does not want to do this and he hates himself for trying it that first time because thats all it took. Please, how do I keep him happy, do things right, keep him healthy, alive and apart of my life?

Answer
Hi Caitlin,

You are in a very difficult situation, and I hope that you are coping.  One of the main problems with drug use is the social stigma towards it.  If drug dependency was like any other problem, then he wouldn't be afraid to tell you about it, but unfortunately, because of how most people react when faced with a partner telling them they are dependent on heroin, people don't want to fess up.

It seems you have a few questions, and also your message just reiterates how ridiculous the US health system is!  With regards to detox - it is possible to do at home, but people get very irritable and have symptoms that are very difficult to manage (as you have seen yourself).  However, the physical detox is one thing, but if he wants to stop using altogether, then that is another.  

I guess you need to ask yourself what you want.  Using heroin doesn't make someone a bad person, although if they are trying desperately to hide it from people then they can come across as "sneaky".  The problems usually arise when people can't afford their use any longer, and this is especially a problem with a baby on the way.

I don't know heaps about the US drug treatment system (apart from that it is about as bad as the health system), but methadone is generally a fairly good drug to stop or at least greatly reduce heroin use.  I don't know where int he US you are, and whether you are near a program, but that may be an option.  The issue is, whether HE wants to do it, not whether you think he should.  I know this sounds harsh, but the individual needs to make their own decision.  Forced drug rehab doesn't work very often.

I also think that a partner holding someone's pay is a tricky situation to be in.  It means you have to play the role of the police officer as well as the girlfriend.  If he really wants to use, he will.  

I would suggest you get some support to help you decide what you want.  You may find that you can't be in a relationship with him anymore, but as a father he has rights (although from my experience drug users have few rights in the US but that is another story - interseting considering the last three presidents have been users at some point).  You may need to sit down with him and say that you need some time to yourself, but stay in contact.  This will give you some time and it may mean he lets his habit run its course.  Most people who use heroin don't use forever.  This probably isn't particularly comforting, but if you have an arrangement where you spend a certain amount to time apart, then he has the space to make up his own decisions and so do you.

Caitlin, the guy you met hasn't been abducted by aliens.  He is on a drug, which is (unfortunately in my opinion) illegal, meaning it is expensive and puts him at risk of jail.  It sounds like you really love him and he you.  Talk to him if you can - try not to start sentences with "you do this" or "you do that" because people hate that.  Tell him that you are worried, that you love him, that you realise he isn't a bad person but had a problem.  Then take some time to think about what you want.  

If there is anything else at all that I can tell you, please let me know.

Kindest regards,

Jacqui