Expert: Caroline West - 8/19/2009

Question
I met my husband 5 years ago.I never been close to a case of drug addiction, new nothing about crack, to tell the true never hear about. Until I met my husband. After 2 weeks he told me he was a drug addict. When he told me that, I just like ok. I had no clue I was going in to a nightmare. In the beginning I didn't care about all does thin they do. He was always mad, angry, suspicion. I wasn't able to be on the phone with my sister that he will said that how he know I was telling the true. Normal when he really piss me of I just ask him to leave the house. We never live together. So was like that all the time. He was probation. He use to call me MY INNOCENT. I notice that he don't like to shower every day or take care of him very well. We work as a tow truck. At this time he works time was 10 am to 11 pm. He was able to spend the night at my house if I don't have any of my sister at home. When this happen he come home very late after work 12 pm, 1 am. And he wants to have sex. In the beginning or let said for some days is ok, but every single night and all night, later I start to notice that I was very tired. I start to tell him I have to sleep more. He will come with: I'm not attract to you. You are seeing someone etc, etc. I was thinking that he was jealous and I don't need to care about. I was and always faithful to him. When hes get out of the place that he had to to stay for 3 month, he was very nice, caring, gentle, but always provoke fight, after weeks or 1 to 2 months he just disappear. Normal when we fight I never shot my mount to him, I thought achei that he want to control me. He was renting a room at my daughter house with was next door. He just disappear in one Friday. I was calling him a lot, believe me a lot. He send same text message saying a lot of very sad things. When was late night and I notice he not answer my calls and the phone was off I just went crazy. I star to look at the Internet about drugs. That when I start to read a little bit about drugs. It got me scarry. And I star to think: What if he use and died? What if a but people kill him? And a lot other question. I even call the police at Saturday, and I cry all night, calling him all night I hear nothing. I'm gone ask you some question now and I will continue my story later because is very long.
1 - Some time when we argue he always make me feel like I'm haven hallucination. I sometime have the feeling that I'm the one is in druggs.Is a strange feeling. Do they know that they have that power over us?

2 - When I tell him: You need a doctor, he said You need a doctor. If I tells him that my door is red and he said no is black. The way that he talk to me I feel like the door is black even when I know is red. And If I try to prove to him, he start to talk, talk. In the and I feel like all I was looking for problem with him, I am a TROUBLEMAKER.  WY I have that feeling? Does he know that?

3 - He lies a lot, a lot, allot. Is anbeliviable. And if I tell his lying. He go crazy, scream laoud alto. I got scary. WY they do that?

I will continuo later. I want to tell you all my problem with him. How long this web exist? This is grate. We need so much that type of help.

Answer
Hi Jupiara,

There is NO way you should have to put up with the way you are being treated,its not right and it is downright wicked. I will try to answer your questions for you and by all means if you wish to talk more about what you are going through then I am always here. Well done for reaching out.

Addicts minds become very messed up because of the drug use and it sounds like he is trying to make you believe you are the one with the problem and by doing this he is trying to make himself feel better but if he loved you how a woman should be loved he would not do this to you but its the drugs that have turned him into behaving like this.

What is happening is that he is deflecting HIS problem away and trying to make out it is in fact you who are not well. This is not true. He is not admitting he has a problem. This is very dangerous. Yes he could overdose and yes he could be given drugs by someone and overdose-Jupiara it is HIS choice. No one forces an addict to use drugs. It takes a lot of strength and courage to come off drugs and stay off drugs and in my opinion he is nowhere near ready to take that step and as a consequence it is you that is suffering and you DO NOT deserve it.

Addicts have a lot of hang ups and insecurities and even if he got clean tomorrow it would take a lot of time,energy and help to rebuild his life-its not straight forward. The constant lying is all part of it,I had it with my ex-boyfriend and he would usually lie to cover his actions and it was very hurtful.

You do not need to put up with this. I know you may feel that you love him but please ask yourself whether in fact you really do love him or has he broke you down so much that your self esteem is so low that you no longer feel you can function by yourself??

I will leave it here for now. If you wish to write in again then do so and I will do my best to help you through this. Your not alone.

I'm always here, Caroline.