Expert: Charles I. - 9/26/2009

Question
Hi Charles!  I'm 16 years old and I've been going out with my boyfriend for 1 month.  I am completely against the use of drugs and alcohol because were under-age, and sadly, my boyfriend dips, smokes cigarettes, weed occasionally, and drinks.  He promised me that he'd stop smoke cigarettes because I mean a lot to him, but he will continue to dip because he says he likes it. He's not physically addicted to it the nicotine, but I can tell that he is mentally.  I've told him how much it upsets me when he uses it, but he's always like "I'm sorry but I think you should accept me for who I am" and "I like it too much to stop".  My question really is how can I get him to stop?  I've explained the dangers (he calls me Mom now :/ ) his mom's a health teacher, but he doesn't seem to care or even understand my point of view.  How can I help him?  I can tell he's getting mad at me, and don't want to push him away because then he'll never get better. Please help me, i really don't know what to do :(

Answer
Good Morning Rachael;

I don't think you are going to stop him from using. He has already expressed to you that he wants you to accept him for who he is and that he likes it too much to stop. I have told so many people this so many times, you can never change anyone!! Sometimes it is difficult for us to even change ourselves. Unless a person wants to change...they are probably not going to do it. I know you are looking out for his best interests...but there isn't really a lot you can do.
As a professional counselor, I have to even be realistic about how I can help my clients. Even despite my best efforts or the greatest techniques or whatever, if I have a client who does not want to quit using drugs or alcohol there is actually very little I can do. The reality is that sometimes people are more in love with their addiction than anything else...it has become a part of their identity and they are not willing to part with it. I have actually seen clients ask the family court judge to terminate their parental rights because they would rather continue in their addiction, than have to work on keeping their families together. I know that is an extreme example...but sadly a true one; and you may be saying, "yeah, but they are on hard drugs...that's why they are thinking like that." Understand this, nicotine is one of the most addictive substances out there!! It has both physical and psychologically addictive properties...especially psychologically! I'm sure your mom has already told you all this. The evidence to support how addictive nicotine is...just look at how many people spend a lifetime starting and stopping (abstaining and relapsing) tobacco use. The one good thing your boyfriend has going for him is that he probably hasn't been using tobacco products for too long, so in comparison to someone who has been smoking or dipping for 20 yrs it should be a little easier for him to deal with it...if he chooses to do so.
I know I haven't given you much to work with here...and I may have even made it sound hopeless. But unless it becomes as important to him to quit as it is to you...he probably won't. So many people get into relationships thinking they can change their loved one into the person they want them to be. And all this usually does is end in resentment, arguments and eventually separation. I think the real question for you is are you willing to stay with a man who drinks, dips, and uses weed occasionally? The real change may ultimately come from you. I truly wish you the best and will be praying for you.

Charles