Expert: Jacqui - 9/5/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Mr Jacqui

Please help me. My husband use meth. I try so many way to show him that if he don't stop we not together.
I send him away,
I lock the door
I pretend I wasn't seen,
I cry
I spend night and night awake
I even went to emergency room with chest pain
I take the door room out. If I'm not home. He dress like a women.
Did I do any thing wrong?
He always Tel me that I like to humiliate him, put him down.
Does are not my intention.
Please tell me if I did wrong. I feel so guilt. Hes out of the house, I'm in Brazil, me and my daughter run a Day Care.
She's taking care of the Day Care until I'm able to go back.
I need him to go back home.
Hes not a bed men when out of drugs. But when his on drugs like now. Nothing and nobody exist to him.
Please tell me did I do something wrong?
Thank You


ANSWER: Hi Jupiara,

Firstly, I am a Miss, not a Mr (actually i am a Ms, that that probably complicates it).

You have done nothing wrong.  Absolutely nothing.  His drug use is HIS choice (even though it is probably a complicated choice).  You need to decide if you want to stay with him.  

However Jupiara, you must understand that people who take drugs are treated badly by everyone in society.  So, if you are getting angry at him as well, he will probably feel that you are putting him down.  Do you drink alcohol?  It seems his drug of choice is something else.  

You need to understand that using drugs is his choice.  If you don't like it, then you should leave, not try to change him.  If you want to stay, then getting angry when he takes drugs isnt' going to help the situation.  Imagine if everyting you did something that made you feel good, someone locked the door on you.  Understand this from his perspective.  I am not saying it is right or wrong.

If you want to stay with him you need to make arrangements about the drug use.  Try to make sure that he only uses when you are not around.  Or, he doesn't use quite so much.  

However, if you don't like it, you should leave him.  I always ask people to identify what the specific problem is about the drug use.  If it is that he spends too much money or gets violent or something like that, then you need to address that problem.  If it is just that you don't like people taking drugs, then you don't really have much to complain about.  You should leave him.  He is unlikely to change if he doesn't want to.

It is important that you get some support.  Do you have access to any counselling?  Or perhaps a local priest.  Someone who can listen to you and give you the emotional support you need.  

Best of luck,

Jacqui

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ms Jacqui

Thanks for answer my question.
No I don't drink alcohol. I'm very respect person. When I met my husband I had 7 years alone. I'm very organize, clean person.
I can't understand myself. I just don't have the heart to leave him. I hurt me so many time, calling me names. No one ever call me names.
I'm always hope that he will stop.
He just stop when his on probation. That when I have a little beat of peace with him. Because when his not on drug, He always provoke fight.
Tell me: Some time is feel like he know he confuse me, I even chacke because I'm scared, he imbares me in public, he lied to me, my memory don't work well, I'm on antidepressant pills 400mg per day,does he know what he doing to me.
Do they need a person to blame, manipulate, to hurt?
Some time I think I'm the one is on drug.
Take long time for me to realize that I was emotional involved with his problem. I use to said to me: I don't need help, I'm ok,he need help.
But now I do know that I'm very, very seek.
I notice the way people treat them.They let them so alone. He just have me. His family don't want deal with him.
When he clean. He cares about me, he help me, we more together.
I don't feel good when he on drugs and I try to show him that I don't want him around.
I Love my husband.
I'm going to so many problem at this moment, and go look for help is on my list. I know I do need help. What you mean about I need to address that problem?
Thanks for talk with me

Jupiara

ANSWER: Hi Jupiara,

I realise that you want to stay with him, but if he is being verbally abusive, that is not right.  No one deserves to be treated that way.  

If you really want to stay with him, I would suggest that you arrange some marriage counselling.  As I said, it is very hard to make someone stop, and you may have to come to a compromise.  As you said, people have treated him very bad.  It is wrong to treat someone bad because they are a drug user.  But just because someone is a drug user, it is not an excuse to say horrible things to their wife.

Could you arrange to see a counsellor with your husband?  If he can't stop using, you could make an arrangement that he only does it outside of the house.  Normally, I can help with doing internet searches for people to try to find people in their local area that can help, but unfortunately I don't speak portuguese!!  I did a quick search and as I was looking for services by searching in English, I could only find English language services (and I don't know what city you are in ... I did a general search for Sao Paulo, but ...)

I know that counselling can cost money, and I don't know what your financial situation is.  However, it can be a really good investment in your future.  Then, if things don't work out, you know that you have tried.  

Jupiara, please take care of yourself.  I am happy for you to stay in touch with me if you like.

Cuidado!

Jacqui

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Miss Jacqui

Something just happen. And I need you to help me to undestand:
My daughter just told me that my husband was parking in front of our house. But he didin't went inside. He stayed there for a little bit and then gone.
I call him, he said he can't talk becouse his with a customer. He works as a Tow Truck. For him to be working he can't be on his pic up he need to be on a big truck.
I get guite. And he start to screem saiyng: What jupiara do you think im lying? then hung up the cell phone. Im calling but he don't ansuwer.

Why he act like that? I don't anderstand

Thanks

Answer
HI Jupiara,

It is important to put yourself in your husband's situation.  Imagine if he didn't trust you.  Imagine if he called you all of the time and asked where you were.  You would get sick of this.  By you calling him, you are not going to stop him from doing what he is doing.  If anything, it may damage your relationship more.  I really think that you need to either leave the relationship, or seek some couples counselling.

Remember, you are not responsible for him.  

Please take care Japiara,

Email me again if you need to,

Jacqui