Expert: Jacqui - 9/12/2009

Question
Hi, I have been doing a lot of research online, probably to cope with all my son has put me through in the last year. I recently found what I believe to be a make shift crack pipe in his room. He is 20, I am not putting up with the drug use..so I made him choose get help or get out of my house. He chose to leave. Now he is staying at the drug house. I am at my wits end. I love my son, I don't want him to die. People tell me everything from Tough Love to I did the wrong thing kicking him out. I am going to look into attending some Al-Non meetings for support. Was also told I can't do a dam thing to help him, because he is an "adult". It's slowly killing me what he is doing..I am a distraught Mom. Advice, and Recommendations welcome.

Ellen

Answer
HI Ellen,

I must admit that I am not a fan of tough love.  I often use the argument of the past three presidents of the US to explain this.  All three of your last presidents admitted to using illegal drugs, and two out of three had used cocaine, which is essentially what your son has used.  I wonder what might have happened if any of the last three prezes had been kicked out of home when they were young?  

The reason I talk about the presidents is because I think that if you are going to be angry at your son, you need to be angry for a reason other than drug use.  One third of the US population REPORTS to using drugs in studies (it is probably higher).  If everyone who used illegal drugs got thrown out of home, there would be a lot more homeless people and a lot more broken families.  Most young people go through a stage of experimentation ... and most get through it with little if any ill effects.  Some do have problems for a few years, some have problems for a long time and suffer very negative effects.  Unfortunately, one of the huge effects is that they are stigmatised from society and rejected by their family.

I approach drug use from a harm reduction approach.  This approach states that humans will use drugs no matter what (case in point is the death penalty in many countries ... doesn't stop people).  It is much better to make sure that they are safe in the meantime.  

You do, however, have a right to say what goes on in your house.  I don't know if it is too late for this, but perhaps there is a compromise that he can live with you, but must only use drugs outside of the home.  This means that he is respecting your space.  

When you say this is killing you, I am assuming that you mean either the worry, or what other people might think.  You love your son, and I understand that you must be worried.  It is great that you are seeking support from Al-anon.  I would also suggest a counsellor if you have access to this.  One on one counselling can be a great support.

Ellen, you clearly love your son very much.  I understand that you are really upset about the drug use, but yes your son is an adult, and he probably felt that he had a right to not have his mum going through his bedroom.  One of the biggest problems with drug use is the fact that people are so stigmatised ... and now both of you are affected by this stigma.  My only suggestion would be to speak to your son.  Ask him if he needs any support.  Tell him you love him but that you are really worried about him.  I don't know if he has had some problems in his life (haven't we all?).  Maybe the drug use was his way of identifying with a group.  Young people do things for very different reasons to older people, and sometimes it is difficult for the older people to understand.

Please let me know how you go and if I can offer any more suggestions.  

Take care,

Jacqui