Expert: Peter L. - 1/12/2010

Question
I met a pretty awesome guy on New Years Eve this year. We hit it off pretty well, and have been dating since. He offered up the fact that he got out of rehab about 5 weeks before we met the first night, and he has a clean date of November 5, 2009. I take him to meetings and his NA buddies seem pretty cool with our relationship. My question is kind of detailed, so hear me out...my dad was an alcoholic and he had almost 30 years sober when he died. He told us all about the AA program and about maintaining sobriety and how challenging it is. I also learned from him that his program does not encourage people in early recovery to engage in new relationships. Now, that being said, I approached the new boyfriend with the question of "If we stop seeing each other, how would that affect your sobriety?" and he seemed very confident that it would not set him back. I'm concerned, though, that it would, even though I do not see the potential for us to stop seeing each other any time soon. From an experts opinion, do you think this is potentially dangerous for him? He is battling a heroin addiction, and hes doing so very well that I really fear that something could set him back. Any opinion/answer would be so very appreciated.
Thanks!!

Answer
Hi Jamie,

Thanks for your question and I'll try to answer the best I can.

Well, you have approached this gentleman with a sincere desire to relate, respecting him for his recovery efforts and getting involved and being a part of his support system.  He brings an addictive history to the relationship; I assume you do not, even though you know quite a bit about it due to your father's use history.  

AA does indeed discourage intimate relationships for the first year of recovery.  I would say that is the most ignored tenet of the program, sadly, and there have been serious consequences for individuals who have disregarded it.  That's not to say some relationships involving someone in early recovery don't work out. There are always exceptions.  

The fact is very few things can occupy the recovering individual's mind as effectively as an intimate relationship involvement.  You might say there is a "void" that needs to be filled as someone leaves behind an addictive behavior.  Intimacy has the intensity to fill that void.

So could this relationship be potentially dangerous for your boyfriend?  Yes, in my view.  It could also be dangerous for you.

There's something you should know:  A few weeks clean is not a lot of sober time.  This is very early recovery and a time of great vulnerability for recovering alcoholics/addicts.  Hence, the warning about intimate relationship involvements, which can end suddenly and give rise to difficult-to-handle feelings.  What does the alcoholic/addict do when stressed?  If their addiction recovery coping strategy is not fully developed, guess how they're going to cope?

I always advocate for a low-risk strategy when I counsel people about these choices.  From my point of view, the recovering person has a lifetime ahead to engage in relationships, and might just be more successful with some clean time under his/her belt.  In fact, the more, the better.

I don't want to put you under any pressure here, but if the relationship doesn't succeed (for perfectly legitimate reasons, like incompatibility) and he has "fallen" for you as it were, the loss of the relationship could be threatening to his recovery.  

This is all very hard to predict.  If he's got a very solid recovery plan which includes continuing treatment as well as NA, you both just might be fine. He has a way to go. Your relationship is early, and just forming.  There are a lot of variables here.  Be open and honest and encourage him to do so.  Face the reality of what's happening at any particular time as you go along; if you suspect he's flagging in some aspect of his recovery program, or there are some unaccountable behaviors, address them immediately.  He will ultimately respect you for keeping him on his toes.

I wish you the best,
Peter