Expert: Peter L. - 1/19/2010

Question
Hi Peter.
    This may be nothing, but i have just recently started seeing someone who once had an addiction to cocaine. They have proclaimed to me that they no longer use, but something just does not feel right. This weekend we took a trip and he spent an usual amount of time in the bathroom of the hotel. Upon going in  the restroom after several of his trips I noticed that he had gone through an entire box of tissues and a whole roll of toilet paper and all of the hand towels in the restroom were moved or wet. I looked inside some of the crumpled pieces looking for blood or something, some were wet , some were dry, the wet ones smelled like there was lotion on them. I may be over reacting and this may be nothing, but I just wanted to make sure. Thanks in advance.

Ryan

Answer
Hi Ryan,

Many questions I get are where people seek information about your situation exactly.
This is a tough issue, and I commend you on being cautious.

I usually recommend people go on their instincts, as you are in noticing that something does not feel right.  If you maintain your powers of observation, and look for other clues that suggest suspicion, there may be a problem here.

It might help if you can glean more about this person's history of substance use, e.g., whether they were ever in treatment, how long have they been substance free, any legal, financial, family, employment, etc. problems that may have arisen from their use.  Most people in an honest program of recovery - and "honest" is the operative term here - are eager to tell others who want to know about their background.  Does this person get defensive when you ask about this?  Red flag.  Is the conversation simply avoided?  Red flag.  Does this person still have any substance-using friends?  Red flag.  

In my opinion, if this recovery is only brief in length, there still should be some kind of treatment happening.  Maybe individual or group relapse prevention counseling.  Recovery is a difficult process, and fraught with pitfalls.  It takes enormous effort for many people to succeed, and many will underestimate the work it takes.

Having said all that, even if there was no addictive behavior going on, I'd be curious about the long disappearances.  What's up with the tissues, whole roll of toilet paper, and hand towels?  This is not normal bathroom behavior.  

I would say to be careful getting into this relationship and proceed cautiously.  Having a partner with a substance abuse history is not a crime, of course, but you don't want to have to contend with this person's active use - especially use that is being concealed!  You need to know this person is working hard on their recovery so you can be comfortable in the relationship.

Regards,
Peter