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Addiction to Drugs/my bf is a ex junkie but stil having problems

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Expert: - 1/5/2010


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My bf is a ex junkie he was addicted to opiates and has been off them for about 2 months he has a serious medical condition he has a metal rod in his spine from surgery 8 years ago he is 23 and im 20 we are looking forward to getting married. But i cant seem to get over his past i find everything he does so suspicious he will hide empty pill bottles places because he now has a script for vicodin and lorazapam instead of his old methadone pills. This is great but at the begining of our relationship he lied and said he was off and i knew i would here him snorting them in the bathroom, he would cover it with water or coughing. I'm not stupid so one day i walked in on him and told him I’d leave if he ever touched it again. I had a feeling about the drugs before I dated him but was unsure I knew he needed certain medications for his back didn’t realize he was abusing them. He has also done every other drug imaginable heroin, cocaine, shrooms...etc. It’s hard for me to know this. Im totally against drugs but I now he’s the type of guy to change he has a great heart. He smokes pot every day and im ok with that its for of substitution I guess. But I still feel like he's being sneaky if he's hiding empty bottles and he said his last bottle of vicodin he split up and somehow lost half the bottle at his parents house where he hid it. He said it was to keep them away so he can have control over them. I find this bull shit. Excuse my language. I also am very against porn and him looking at naked women. I know he still does cause I’ll fake sleep and I can see the reflection of the screen and see that he's doing it and the instant i move he closes out. I’ve called him out but he denies it or will only admit to a little. Lately I’ve notice he will reset the history or the computer so I cant see what he's looked at. he gets into chat rooms with basically any type of discussion and it just drives me nuts. He has sworn on both things that he doesn’t do them anymore especially the drugs. But I cant find myself to let that go. Every time he walks into the bathroom I get nervous and sick. Does he need to lock the door if its just us. He's changed his number and stopped talking to his best friend but I don’t really know if it him wanting to change or if he’s doing it because of me. I know it’s hard to change something like that and its a lot of work.  He’s also quit smoking in the last month. But the feelings i get and the images in my head wont go away. I wonder if this is going to have an effect on our whole life or what. I know he’s had help before and then relapsed a year later. I also am unsure if there is a way to abuse vicodin and lorazapam . I need an opinion bad. I’m going crazy its all i think about i cant even sleep at night i get nightmares and stomach pains. I've never been in a relationship like this and i do love him so much he makes me so happy. But its either I’m really happy or totally depressed cause I dont know what to do?  Please give me some advice on what I can say to him to keep him from being so sneaky or if I should just move on.

Answer
Hi Roxy-

First to address the first thing you said- your BF is not off opiates as vicodin is not only an opiate, it's the most abused opiate in the US. That is of course because its the most often prescribed opiate. His condition seems to warrant pain pills however the opiate addicts system cannot discriminate between legal dope and illegal. So hard for an addict to safely take those- but a 23 year old, fresh off methadone? Forget about it. By the way the lorazapam is also highly addictive- sorry. Addicts are supposed to disclose the fact their addicts to their doctors but of course that's only if they really want to stop.
Roxy- I have a lot of empathy for your guy and a lot of sympathy for you. I'll bet he really is a great person when he's not using. Unfortunately he is using (pot is a mind altering substance as well)There is nothing you can do to make him change. He has to do that for himself. The fact that you can't change anyone but yourself is so true and in this case very important for you to take into consideration. (understatement#

You describe your depressed condition- well I'm sorry- but expect that to continue. One day he may change for the better but it's no guarantee. It will surely#mark my words) get progressively worse.Addiction ALWAYS does.
The best way to get a reprieve from addiction is a 12 step program. That is what I always recommend. Their is also a support group for you called alanon. I would definitely check it out if I were you.

You remind me so much of my ex GF and your BF of me. I have not only drug issues but porn as well. My ex told me after one month of our relationship, If you relapse with dope- I will not leave you. If you look at porn- I will not leave you.I will help you through those if you want to quit. HOWEVER if you ever lie to me- I will turn around and walk away....and she did six months later. I lied to her sort of. I started taking vicodin after a big fight with her.BTW it was the first drug use by me during our relationship) Two weeks later I was going through some withdrawal, trying to quit without telling anyone. She could tell something was wrong and asked me "what's wrong?" I told her "nothing, I just had a bad day at work."(this was 1/2 true as I of course had a terrible day at work) She goes "tell me the truth now" I insisted and she backed off. One week later I totally forgot about that convo and was very tempted to use the pills again. I decided instead of just giving in and using to confide in her about everything and I did. Once again I forgot about my white lie, she didn't and left me. Just like that it was over. Oh she cried a lot and gave me hell and didn't stop talking to me right off- but it was over and I was crushed. Anyway, the point is she was unwilling to be with someone that claimed to love her but lied about anything. She lost her trust in me. By the way, I do not recall lying about another single thing during our relationship.

Best wishes to both of you,
Daniel

Addiction to Drugs

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Daniel A. Toth

Expertise

Any questions related to: drug abuse,recovery and opiate withdrawal. Friends and family questions are also welcomed- however there's very little I can suggest if the person has no willingness to change.I will only answer NON- PRIVATE questions as my objective is to help as many people as possible- use a fake name. PLEASE DO NOT SUBMIT QUESTIONS REGARDING DRUG TESTS OR HOW LONG YOUR DOPE WILL STAY IN YOUR SYSTEM! My energy is directed at those wishing to stop self destructing.

Experience

Fourteen years active addiction;Eleven years to cocaine and heroin.
I've used every drug I've known about except PCP Any comments are from personal experiance, and do not necesarily reflect any programs.
SEE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS STORY! This was for an article in a teen magazine hence the youth perspective: I was a good kid. A diligent student with a 3.5 GPA through 9th grade. Now I was somewhat shy and didn't have a lot of friends. I discovered that by smoking weed I had instant friends. It was great at the time. All of a sudden I knew all these people, was getting invited to parties- hanging out after school getting high. Pretty soon getting high at lunch and even before school and then ditching school all together. In the beginning it was the social activity, not the "high" that was the major attraction. I just knew I would stop smoking it soon, perhaps after I got a cool girlfriend. Well then I started really enjoying the high- Having a bad day? Forget about in and get stoned. The parents getting on my case? Forget about it and get stoned. This girl I really like doesn't know I exist, better just get stoned. I found a way to great way to cope with all my problems. Well my grades started dropping, my hobbies such as all ocean activities and sports where only done high and then slowly not at all. Nothing was "cool" or important except getting high. With or without my friends. Then I was introduced to Meth or "crystal" Would I have considered it if not for my weed habit? Of course not. Plus I am just going to try it this one time. Wow! Now I could easily talk to girls. In fact I could talk and talk for hours to anyone about anything. And you know I'm one cool, smooth dude. Man I feel good. Then after it wore off I would struggle with depression and smoke a lot of weed until I got more meth. Now high school was over. I had no ambition for college but I did work in the family business. I still could hold a job with these habits. Now a friend tells me about this drug (heroin) that is just like pot except there’s no "burn out" He doesn't address it as heroin but a harmless sounding slang name. I observe him and his friends smoking this brown powder for months. They seem to be having a good time. They don't die. In fact there having more fun than I am. I wanted to try it. Just once, too see what it feels like. I would never try it again. Again it was the new friends at first and then the drug that became the major attraction. But it was o.k. because I'm going to never smoke it again after this next time. Oops, I did it again. O.K. but next week I'm going to quit for sure! Now the heroin made me feel nice, but the cocaine smoking was awesome. Plus no crash because I'll just smoke a little heroin. Before too long I was injecting a cocaine and heroin solution (speedball) into my veins as often as I could. Working did not accommodate my lifestyle. How could I work anyway in heroin withdrawal? I had to get some dope! Let’s see, my family has disowned me, I've sold everything I ever had. I've robbed every friend or family member than I had contact with. What am I going to do? Some how I got my fix every day. Not once but three or four times average. But it was still o.k. because I'm going to quit, maybe even tomorrow after I get high. I went for years thinking this way. I've been arrested many times. I even admitted myself many times to detox to get over the addiction but found myself planning my next high before I even left. I just couldn't cope with life. I didn't know how. But that won't matter, as soon as I get my fix everything will be alright. And it was..., for a little while. At this point I had long stopped kidding myself. I knew I was a hopeless addict. In fact three of my close friends overdosed and died. Another got sent to prison for years, and none of these guys did anything I didn't do. I knew I was on a dead end course to jails, institutions or death. I would put myself into one recovery home after another only to leave to get high. Why? I wasn't ready to admit I was completely powerless over my addiction and my life had become unmanageable. Only after I completely surrendered was I ready to listen to suggestions from the wonderful people in Narcotics Anonymous. (twelve step program) Today I enjoy many blessings of recovery. I have a wonderful family that loves and trusts me. I work every day, pay bills, support myself and even help others where I can. I love to travel and do as I can afford to. I still have problems but today I don't escape with artificial substances. I have learned coping skills, and realize that life isn't always wonderful but it could be a heck of a lot worse. I don't want to wake up one day an old man, and wonder what I could have been. I'm going to find out! You see, I'm one of the lucky ones and am extremely grateful for that. UPDATE 5/24/2005: Relapsed with painkillers about one year ago, and have been struggling since. I have about 30 days clean as of today 5/24. It's no big mystery/shocker. I stopped doing what I needed to do (program) and made a stupid decision. A couple vicodins woke up the dragon. I'll be ok if I do what I did to get the five yrs. Good luck to all of us! 2/14/06 Doing really well today (one day at a time). I also went through and am still very much going through the most difficult thing I ever have without using any drugs. Not hiding from emotional pain today by artificial means but rather accepting my emotions as natural and moving forward. I'm focusing today on not denying my emotions but acting constructively despite. I realize today that any artificial numbing may help in escaping short term pain but then complete facilitate suffering. Today I recognize my self destructive habits.

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