Expert: Peter L. - 10/21/2010

Question
My boyfriend of 2 years is smoking crack I am in recovery and have been for 2 years I broke up with him 1 month ago because he cheated on me with 5 other women he works 1 or 2 days a week and when he gets money he spends it all on crack he only calls me when he is through after a couple of days he tells me he loves me and is going to get into a halfway house and then he gets more money and disappears again this has been going on for 2 years he tried to get me to smoke crack the otherday and I blew him off the problem I am having here is how can he say he loves me but continue to live that life style he has no place to live no phone and lives from day to day I no longer choose to live like that am I wrong for shutting the door on this relationship

Answer
Hi Crystal,

You are in recovery yourself, so can understand the irrationality and often, quite frankly, the insanity that accompanies addictive behavior.  

If you will excuse me, I tend to keep my comments brief on this subject, and I get many questions regarding situations such as yours.

Your boyfriend is not ready to be a functioning relationship partner.  He's not going to be unless he achieves recovery, like you have.  You will cause yourself a great deal of heartache and turmoil if you insist on maintaining high expectations in this relationship.  He cannot be truthful, credible, or responsible in his addictive state. He wants it all: crack, money to pay for it, your love, to avoid consequences of his use, etc.  These are not compatible conditions, and addicts have to one day realize this.

You are not wrong for shutting the door on this relationship, and you might want to let your boyfriend know you'll be available for him when he commits to recovery and pursues it. Then, let him get a year clean under his belt and see what happens.

Best,
Peter