Expert: Peter L. - 10/23/2010

Question
Hi Peter,

I just met a guy who said he is a recovering cocaine addict.  He was in recovery a year and a half ago and claims he relapsed about three times, but hasn't gone back.  He's 25, I'm 24.  When we first met we spent 5 straight days together.  I felt so close to him.  We completely hit it off.  Then he told me about the addiction/recovery and I told him I needed time to think it through.  It was heavy stuff.  A few days later I met up with him and decided I would give a relationship a go.  But ever since that we see each other sometimes he makes fake promises he can't keep.  He disappears sometimes.  I hear from him sometimes and others I don't know where he is.  We went out the other day and he said he was drunk, but he seemed so wired.  Talking a lot, just wired.  I can't even explain it. It was nothing like I've seen before.  But he swears it wasn't any drugs.  He seems to be so honest with me.  I just don't get why he says he'll come over at 12, then call me and say he'll come tomorrow, or the day after.  

I guess my question is....I want to be with him, but it's such an emotional roller coaster.  Could he be back on drugs?  

Answer
Hi Rah,

He could be back using.  And for my money, I'd almost be certain he is.  If he's not, then that unreliability doesn't make him such a good relationship partner anyway.  He has to learn what it takes to make a commitment in a relationship. You just don't treat your partner so cavalierly as to not call or show up when you're expected to.

The last thing this fellow should be doing as a recovering cocaine addict is drinking.   Drinking is a cocaine relapse trigger, and guaranteed to cause problems for him, and indeed it appears to have already done so.  This man, in my view, is not in recovery, he's just substituting alcohol for cocaine.  If he's not back using coke yet, he will be soon.

If he insists he's substance free despite the erratic behaviors, have him give urine samples twice per week, at his expense, of course.  Let's see what happens then.  If he avoids this, argues it's not necessary and that you're distrusting or paranoid, or "forgets" his appointments to do the screen, the red flag goes up.

You don't have to be on this emotional roller coaster any longer than you wish to.  The burden is on him to get it together, not on you to wrack your brain as to why he can't be the person you'd like to be with in a relationship.

Hope this helps,
Peter