Expert: Caroline West - 10/24/2010

Question
QUESTION: I really need some advice, my heart is broken and I feel so lost. I have been with my husband for over 10 years (7 married). When dating I learned that he would smoke marijuana with his friend but I made him stop, I am very against any drug use which I have always been up front about. Fastfowarding to when our troubles began, due to some bad investment choices ( we lost our first house and a restaurant when the economy went bad). After that he went into a deep depression. When we were losing the restaurant he would be gone from the house 2 to 3 days and would arrive exhausted to the house. And the workers would complain that they couldn't reach him during the day. At this time my son as 3 and daughter about 6 months. He came home one day and he was on the drug. He swore to me that he would never do that to me again, I believed him. We were in debt losing the house, I got a job to help but he was too depressed to do anything even leave the house. He decided the best thing was to move and make a fresh start. We moved to North Carolina, He found a job with a cable co, I left all my family in NY but hoped for the best ( I never told him what he did, they never would have let me leave) We got pregnant again right away, I was terrified but he assured me we would be okay, I believed him. He got another job as a computer tech after he told me he lost the first because they accused him stealing which he said was a lie. During my whole pregnancy he was distant, frustrated angry and very impatient with the kids. I basically had to take care of almost all the unpacking and taking care of everything. I was so sick in the beginning and he gave me no support with anything. He started to disappear again, he would go out and say he would be right back and wouldn't return for a day sometimes two. I didn't want to deal with it but I knew what was happening. It was only on the weekends at first then he started during the week. He sold his dirtbike and several tings in the garage that he said was for us but I never saw the money. I know  am rambling but so much happened. At the end he was stealing from my purse, money I needed for food and diapers. He took our TV. I found him hiding in the garage calling someone for drugs. He told me he was going to stop, swore to me, I told him I was going to leave him because I couldn't have this kind of situation around my children. When I was in labor he waited so long to take me that i almost gave birth in the car! One nigh I found myself alone at home one night, my three kids in bed with me, the only $50 dollars I had in a sock in my pants with the door to my bedroom locked wondering if he would ever come home. I called my sister and she told my family everything. They came and got me. I told him what I was doing before I left and I saw how upset it made him. I told him that we were leaving and thatunless he went and got help and I got proof we could be together. Now I am at my brothers and my heart is broken, I still love him so much and the kids lost their Dad and another house. He calls and emails me everyday begging and pleading to go back to him saying that thatwill be the only way he will get better. I feel horrible like maybe I didn't give him enough of a chance, maybe I should have stayed and helped more. But he walked out on his job because he couldn't take it and we were in debt again. His Mother just wanted me to stay and give him more chances. I was so alone and scared. Did I do he right thing? Was I too rash and not compassionate enough like he says? My 5 year old son and 3 year old daughter were both having night terrors, its only been 3 weeks since we left and they are slightly better but they were definitely effected I think. My three month old is fine thank goodness. Please give me some insight. My family is being so supportive but  am just so upset, I cry almost everynight and I can't sleep. Did I do the right thing? Have I hurt him more by leaving him? Please give me some advice I feel so lost and scared for the future. I have to raise the kids on my home if he can't get better.
Sorry for the rambling long letter.

ANSWER: Hello Yez.

What a difficult and sad time you are all going through right now. Your husband sounds to me as if he reached his breaking point and his lowest point when you had to sell the restaurant and the house and the pressure got too much for him and he used. Many a time there is a trigger for using and it is clear enough to me that this is what it was for him.

A good few things need to happen for him to successfully beat his addiction. First,he needs to know that you are there for him and I think you should tell him that this is just a temporary separation until things get sorted. This will not only make him feel more loved,but give a positive reason for him to address his use as you may well be coming back into his life,that should make him feel less abandoned and have something to aim for which is important. I do not think he is a bad bloke at all which is why I am suggesting that you try this. There clearly were reasons why things fell apart and it is those that need to be worked on.

I know your heart is breaking and I know how much this hurts. But always remember that nothing in life lasts for ever and things do naturally change of their own accord. In the meantime,try and distract yourself with doing things,also with the children as well and do nice things for yourself as a way of 'taking care of yourself' which will help. There is no magic cure but there are ways of 'tolerating' what you are going through which is all that you can do. So be good to yourself while this gets sorted. It will make you feel better and stronger too.

My idea is that after you have told your husband that this is a temporary separation only until he gets off the Coke,sit down together and go through the finances. Doing it together will make you both have to work with each other which needs to happen if you are to save this marriage. Both of you see what needs to be done. (The finances is what triggered the Cocaine use off in the first place,so this is what must be addressed in order to help get him off of it. He uses it as an escape,so sitting down together will make him feel less abandoned and more supported. And you know that you are doing your bit to help him).

Then there is the effort that he needs to put in which unfortunately you have no control over,it has to come from him. He needs to want this. Put it to him that he needs to save this marriage and by helping him tackle the root cause of his using,you both stand a good chance of success at this,I really believe that.

If he is really struggling then a referral to your local Drug Treatment Team could be of some help. I don't know what services you have in your area,but it will be worth finding out what is available and seeking some individual help for him and family help together.

Try the above,it won't be easy,but it's making a very good start. And if you want to write in again then by all means feel free to do so. Take care,Caroline.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for you insight it is really helpful.
I feel he is a good man that made some mistakes. One of the major problems I see is that I doubt myself and my decisions so much. He tells me he isn't an addict and that he will be fine once we are all together. That my kids not having there father is doing them more harm than good. He went to one meeting and said he would keep going but was going to to go away for a while to either Florida or Georgia (he is in NY now with his parents and hates it there). On the other end my family hates him because of everything that has happened and would not be supportive if I got back together with him now without him going into some kind of a program. His Mother just thinks I am staying away too long and wants me to keep in touch with him everyday and wants to know when she will see the kids. I am just so torn with everything. I left because I wanted to help my kids, make a new start and give them a secure future they can count on. But with all these different opinions coming from all sides I feel like I am going to go crazy and have a nervous breakdown! I love him so much but I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore.

Answer
Hello again Yez. I'm glad that you found some of what I said helpful. It's often easier for an outsider to see more clearly what is going on in a situation than the person who it is centered around. I know how crazy and chaotic things can get and how hard it is so it's always good to get an objective take/view on things.

First I want to address his statement of that he is not an addict. Just to reassure you,We have all done it. "I don't beg,borrow and steal therefore I am not like the typical addict" or "I wash,shave,wear clean clothes so I don't even look like the typical addict therefore I am not one" or "I have a job,how can I be an addict?". Loads of these one liners are used to try to justify to the user that he/she is ok when in fact they are not. Addicts come in all shapes and sizes. He does have a problem and I need to tell you that things won't be fine when you are all together,like he thinks they will be,it doesn't work like that. It's just another one liner Yez and he needs help. Stop using the term 'addict' with him for a bit,refer to it as a 'problem' and see how that goes. It may make him feel better and more inclined to get/receive help if he thinks that all it is is a 'problem',does this make sense? It might work and definitely will at least help.

I can really understand the predicament you are in regarding, firstly, your family. I made the same choice. I told mine all about the using and the rest that goes with it and my family reacted the same way as yours are doing now. And then there is his family who have other agendas,who wants you to work it out,etc.. which is in conflict and further adds to your 'torn' feeling which is perfectly understandable. My advice to you Yez is to now put some blinkers on,zone both families out and concentrate on just you and him and the family you have together. In other words don't listen to either side. Listen to you and what you want. Same goes for friends. You have got to stop listening to everybody as you will never be able to please them all and it is not helping you. You help You. You know their view points already so you don't need anymore info on how they feel about the situation,you know it already,so take the next step and ignore the lot of them. Trust me,this is about you,your husband,your kids,no one else and deep down Yez you know what is best,believe me. It may not feel like it because everyone is pulling you in so many directions. But when you zone them out and start to rely on your own intuition and gut feelings/wisdom,you will find your answers there-in you. You just first have to zone everyone else out and watch how much stronger you will get relying on and believing in yourself and your thoughts and feelings. As women,we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for,but we need to start believing in that strength.

So that is what you need to do first. Then you can start making decisions on where you wish to go from here on. I think that your marriage is not completely doomed (otherwise I would say),I feel that he needs to get some help addressing his 'problem' first. I do apologize but I have little knowledge of how access to services work in the USA especially as every state and county seem to have their own way of doing things. But the general gist of what I advise is to get access to speak to a Health Care Professional in the field of Drug Addiction so your husband and you as a couple can get support. Agree to see a Professional together with your husband as this will make him more inclined to talk to someone. And,as I mentioned earlier,this is about you and he and your children as a 'family' and has little to do with anybody else so concentrate on this.

I hope that some of this has helped and if you wish to write in again then by all means feel free to do so. Take good care,Caroline.