Expert: Peter L. - 10/18/2010

Question
QUESTION: First, let me apologize for the length of this.
My situation is about my boyfriend of a year. Shortly after we met he wanted me try smoking crack, I did not. However, I did to keep him around (not the best thing to do). In the past year since, we have partied many nights away (around 4  nights a week). In all that time, I was the one supplying the money. I had/have no addiction to the crack. I don't like the high, nor do I even crave it. What I am addicted to is him. Our use went up and up, and of course, my financial situation worsened. I also gave him money for other things, such as food, gas, smokes etc. There were times I went without food, just so he could get high. Now I am looking into claiming bankruptcy due to these poor choices.
In that year's time, he was the sweetest man I ever knew. This is where my addiction came in. I loved the way he treated me, the things he said, and how kind, caring and attentive he was to me. He never asked for anything, I offered the money always. He expressed his appreciation constantly.
Then suddenly, overnight, things changed and my heart is broken into a million pieces. He started dealing, and now has endless crack and money, and seems to have forgotten about me :(
Each time I contact him, he is too busy to talk, too busy to spend time with me because he is so into making this money. He now has all the money and I am  going bankrupt and he seems not to even care about me. The only things he has ever offered me is crack for free. That I do not want. The sweet attentive guy I knew and loved seems to be gone. He is like some pod person that I don't know. I know he has all the crack he wants and is using everyday now. He says almost every night that he will stop over to see me, but he never does, nor does he even contact me to say he's not coming. I sit up endlessly waiting. We used to atlk all day and now all I hear from him each day is he is busy and will call later. He says there is no other girl in his life. We are both in our 40's. I love him and don't want to let go, but I don't know or like this person he is now.
Why has the dealing changed him so much? Why does he suddenly not care about me? And why can't he fit me into his new lifestyle?
I have tried just not contacting him, to see if he would even care, but he always calls me asking why I disappeared. When I tell him that it hurts me that he is ignoring me, he apologizes and says that he needs to do this to make money, but he doesn't change.
Please help, my heart is crushed and I feel like I lost my best friend.

ANSWER: Hi Livie,

I often hear from girlfriends of boyfriends like yours who tell me how great their partner is.  I don't doubt what they say, as it's perfectly reasonable to have someone who lives two contrasting lives: that of a alcoholic/addict, and that of a loving partner.

Drugs do not make people evil, but it affects their judgment severely.  Your decision to join your boyfriend in his problematic behavior in order to bond further with him is a very high stakes game, as you are seeing.  You have decided to engage in an illegal, dangerous behavior in order to please your boyfriend.  

The important thing to know here is that drug use is progressive, meaning that it gets worse with time.  It's not that you both would ever want drugs to come between you, but there's no way your relationship can survive the way you describe it.  One of you is going to hit bottom, as we say in the business, and it's going to be ugly.  

I would ask you to protect yourself from further consequences of your behaviors.  Stop using crack, and get help if you must to do so.  Next, engage with a counselor you like and trust, and explore why you have put yourself in such jeopardy in your quest for love.  What you are doing is very unhealthy, and will lead to a lot of sorrow for you.  With you substance free, your boyfriend can decide if he wants to follow suit.  If he doesn't, I think you have your answer as to why he's ignoring you: his girlfriend is crack.  

So there's my advice for you.  Get clean and sober, work on your resolving your emotional difficulties, and re-establish your priorities.  You'll be happier in the long run.

Hope this helps,
Peter

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Peter. I am glad you responded. I am clean and sober. I do not like the drug and don't crave it. I could care less if I ever see or do it again. It's been a few months since I have smoked any and I never craved it even for a second. I only did it with him to be with him. His friends have offered it to me, and I refused it. They didn't understand why I would turn it down, but I don't like it and would only do it with him. Thankfully, I never became addicted. However, my issue is with doing this to be around him. I do see I need help with that. He has no intention of stopping. I just don't understand why he has changed so dramatically. Why he can't see he's hurting me and why he doesn't want to be around me. :( I take comfort in your words "crack is his girlfriend" because I keep worrying there is someone else, and all my friends say "NO way", it's the drug.

Answer
Livie,

Glad to hear you have given up using crack.  You'll be a lot better off for that.

You asked why your boyfriend has changed so dramatically, and why he can't see how he's hurting you with his behavior.

He has a heart, sees value in his relationship with you, but cannot let those things get in the way of his relationship with cocaine.  It's as simple as that.  His thinking and emotionality are corrupted by the drug.  His reasoning is distorted.  Life is viewed through the lens of crack, and everything he does in his life has some bearing to it.  Nothing new about that; most of my clients have been "lost" to their addictive behaviors and struggle to get free.  

I have two wonderfully bright, beautiful, affable, professional female clients who are practically lost to alcohol.  It is almost like watching a movie which you know the the plot and outcome in advance.  You know what is going to happen, but fear you may not be able to reverse it in time.  Kind of like an adventure flick where the hero has to win out against the clock.  When they hit bottom it will be harder for them to come back, as it is for almost everyone in this situation.  I ask many of my clients to consider the benefit of changing now rather than later, when circumstances get so bad that they have no choice but to do something about their addictions.

In sum I'm saying there's no logic in addictive behaviors, so we should not look for it.  Addictions are irrational acts, falsehoods masquerading as therapeutic aids, and almost always progressive.  It is typical for addictions to worsen.  Unfortunately, I have to hear also about when the fight has never been won, and someone loses their life as a result.

Let your boyfriend understand that you're not available for him completely unless he gets into recovery.  By using with him you are exascerbating his problem and creating a big risk for yourself.

Regards,
Peter