Expert: Peter L. - 10/27/2010

Question
This is actually a repeat question that I need some more insight on. I hope you can help me too.
I really need some advice, my heart is broken and I feel so lost. I have been with my husband for over 10 years (7 married). When dating I learned that he would smoke marijuana with his friend but I made him stop, I am very against any drug use which I have always been up front about. Fastfowarding to when our troubles began, due to some bad investment choices ( we lost our first house and a restaurant when the economy went bad). After that he went into a deep depression. When we were losing the restaurant he would be gone from the house 2 to 3 days and would arrive exhausted to the house. And the workers would complain that they couldn't reach him during the day. At this time my son as 3 and daughter about 6 months. He came home one day and he was on the drug. He swore to me that he would never do that to me again, I believed him. We were in debt losing the house, I got a job to help but he was too depressed to do anything even leave the house. He decided the best thing was to move and make a fresh start. We moved to North Carolina, He found a job with a cable co, I left all my family in NY but hoped for the best ( I never told him what he did, they never would have let me leave) We got pregnant again right away, I was terrified but he assured me we would be okay, I believed him. He got another job as a computer tech after he told me he lost the first because they accused him stealing which he said was a lie. During my whole pregnancy he was distant, frustrated angry and very impatient with the kids. I basically had to take care of almost all the unpacking and taking care of everything. I was so sick in the beginning and he gave me no support with anything. He started to disappear again, he would go out and say he would be right back and wouldn't return for a day sometimes two. I didn't want to deal with it but I knew what was happening. It was only on the weekends at first then he started during the week. He sold his dirtbike and several tings in the garage that he said was for us but I never saw the money. I know am rambling but so much happened. At the end he was stealing from my purse, money I needed for food and diapers. He took our TV. I found him hiding in the garage calling someone for drugs. He told me he was going to stop, swore to me, I told him I was going to leave him because I couldn't have this kind of situation around my children. When I was in labor he waited so long to take me that i almost gave birth in the car! One nigh I found myself alone at home one night, my three kids in bed with me, the only $50 dollars I had in a sock in my pants with the door to my bedroom locked wondering if he would ever come home. I called my sister and she told my family everything. They came and got me. I told him what I was doing before I left and I saw how upset it made him. I told him that we were leaving and thatunless he went and got help and I got proof we could be together. Now I am at my brothers and my heart is broken, I still love him so much and the kids lost their Dad and another house. He calls and emails me everyday begging and pleading to go back to him saying that thatwill be the only way he will get better. I feel horrible like maybe I didn't give him enough of a chance, maybe I should have stayed and helped more. But he walked out on his job because he couldn't take it and we were in debt again. His Mother just wanted me to stay and give him more chances. I was so alone and scared. Did I do he right thing? Was I too rash and not compassionate enough like he says? My 5 year old son and 3 year old daughter were both having night terrors, its only been 3 weeks since we left and they are slightly better but they were definitely effected I think. My three month old is fine thank goodness. Please give me some insight. My family is being so supportive but am just so upset, I cry almost everynight and I can't sleep. Did I do the right thing? Have I hurt him more by leaving him? Please give me some advice I feel so lost and scared for the future. I have to raise the kids on my home if he can't get better.Sorry for the rambling long letter. I feel he is a good man that made some mistakes. One of the major problems I see is that I doubt myself and my decisions so much. He tells me he isn't an addict and that he will be fine once we are all together. That my kids not having there father is doing them more harm than good. He went to one meeting and said he would keep going but was going to to go away for a while to either Florida or Georgia (he is in NY now with his parents and hates it there). On the other end my family hates him because of everything that has happened and would not be supportive if I got back together with him now without him going into some kind of a program. His Mother just thinks I am staying away too long and wants me to keep in touch with him everyday and wants to know when she will see the kids. I am just so torn with everything. I left because I wanted to help my kids, make a new start and give them a secure future they can count on. But with all these different opinions coming from all sides I feel like I am going to go crazy and have a nervous breakdown! I love him so much but I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. Now he says that he wants to go to Florida or Georgia for the winter. What does that even mean? Why can't he find help here?
Please help.

Answer
Hi Yez,

Sorry for the late response.  I will give you my perspective on your situation, but encourage you to see out other experts on this topic who may have some additional helpful input for you.

First, your husband has a serious drug problem.  A very serious one.  While you feel love for him, he's not able to reciprocate in the manner that would please you, as he has a relationship with his substances that's interfering with his relationship with you.

He says he's not an addict, but you know the old saying; if it looks like one, quacks like one, walks like one, it probably is one.  Nothing in what you've told me says otherwise.

So bottom line?  He needs treatment, and he needs to demonstrate a commitment to being substance free, and more importantly, healthy living, which means being honest, making amends for all he's put you and your family through, and stability.  

His mother cannot, of course, see things with any degree of objectivity because she's a codependent and was probably his enabler at another time.  Your family, on the other hand, is looking out for your welfare and sees him as a threat.  Well, he is a threat, and your loving him doesn't diminish that fact.  He's deluded in believing he can stop just because he tells you he will.  For that moment he feels empowered to change his behavior.  But as an addict, he's not thinking clearly, and when temptation, cravings, or drug use opportunities arise, he's "off to the races" as if he never made the abstinence commitment to you.

My point is love is not the key issue here.  His being a full-blown addict is, and unless he deals with it with long-term treatment you will only suffer further hardship and loss.  He has to do this on his own, and want it for himself first, and all other things second.  

I know it's sad to think you're not going to have your husband at your side being a fully participating family member, but he's not in a state of mind to be able to do this with any degree of reliability and responsibility.  

I recommend he enter an inpatient rehab, and possibly a halfway house afterwards.  This all should take place over at least six months.  I would recommend individual counseling to follow this for another six months at least.  Then he should keep up his support group attendance and expect to be going for years to come.  

That's what I feel needs to happen.  
Thanks for your question, and best wishes,
Peter