Expert: Jacqui - 10/26/2010

Question
Hi Jacqui,
I'm in NA. After 1 year and 7 months of being completely
clean- yesterday I took three Vicodin at once.
I have had severe back pain now for five weeks, have been
seeing a chiropractor. I awoke yesterday on my day off very
emotionally low as well as being in the typical pain. I was
a little miffed as I had to leave my apartment as it was
being unexpectedly worked on.I went to my brothers and sat
there watching tv.I was in pain but also depressed when I
remembered he had leftover pills from a  minor surgery. I
took three. I must say I didn't get a "buzz" as I had food
in my stomach. I also honestly can't say my back got much
relief. That said I did feel something.
I am paranoid to tell my "by the book" old school sponsor. I
do work a program, am the secretary of a meeting and do a
daily morning prayer/meditation including yesterday. My
state of mind has been sometimes bad since the back problem.
I've stopped exercising which was a big part of my recovery
and have been in a rut. I live in a part of town where I
could go get any dope I want in less than 1/2 and hour. When
I think of all the temptation I've gone through (with Gods
help) going out like this is very depressing. Keeping this a
secret from my sponsor seems like such bullshit and old
behavior but damn- I don't really think I can without
accepting the fact he will say "welcome to day 1. I want you
to do the first step again ans start introducing yourself as
a newcomer." Do you think I relapsed?

Answer
Hi Daniel,
I work from a standpoint of Harm Reduction, which is quite different from the NA model, and I have never had much to do with NA. That said, just because I don't work within that framework, doesn't mean I don't think it can work for some people.
So, from my (Non-NA perspective) there are stages that include both 'lapses' and 'relapse'. A lapse is considered a slip up, where you are still aware of the difficulties you may have, and a relapse represets something far more significant. It sounds like you have lapsed and are really questioning your abstinence. When people stop using something they have been dependent on, any stressors become a real challenge. Abstinence can be relatively easy if you are happy all of the time, but life isn't like that. It sounds that you have reached a point where you are really challenged by being straight, and Vicodin may have been the way you coped with things like back pain and depression in the past.
I know you are in NA, but that is not a substitute for a professional psychologist or other counsellor who may be able to assist you with stress management and coping strategies.
The one thing I don't like about NA is that even though you give up drugs, you are talking about them every day, and for some people they need to NOT be telling themselves they are a drug addict all of the time. The other side to that argument is that NA provides a really good network of support.

Daniel, ultimately you need to decide whether to tell your sponsor or not, I can't make that decision for you. However, I think that if you are choosing the NA model, you need to feel comfortable with it.

Take care, and whatever you do, do it safely,

Jacqui