Expert: Caroline West - 11/10/2010

Question
Hi,
i have been with my boyfriend Jeff for almost 2 years now; 4 months into the relationship he talked to me about his addition to cocaine, but made me beleive that it was dealt with. however he had series of relapses that led him to an intensive out patient treatment for few months. Jeff seemed to be doing well after that and our life got back to normal; he even got a job as a substance abuse counselor. However 2 months ago he relapsed again (after a year of sobriety)and this time he seemed to need to get high at least once a week. he'll stay overnigt and spent all his money. I really love him and want to help him but i don't know what to do. i keep his checks, and only give him some money as he needs but he still found a way to finance his habit. I'm 7 month pregnant and all these sleepless nites and worries are bad for the baby but he does seem to care even though he says he does. i'm desperate part of me wants to leave but i need him especially in my conditions and i have no family in town for help. But i don't know if he'll ever stop it. i know i can't make him stop beleive me i tried, so what can? not even the joy of having his first baby girl??

Answer
Hi Desperste,

I am so sorry and sympathize with your situation believe me.

He needs to get back into the same Intensive out patient treatment again. It helped him the first time around and the evidence of the courses success is apparent and he needs it again. Somehow,someone has to get through to him to go for it again especially now that you are carrying. This is the part I am sorry about. Your pregnant and therefore going to need him through the last stages of it and when the baby comes and he needs to be clean. I wish he could write in to me personally as I'd get him on the right track,but if he is still feeling that he has control over it,which he hasn't,I don't think he is ready to admit it. But if he is and he sincerely wants help,get him to write in. That's one option.

One thing that is always so,so difficult,is that no matter how hard we try,we cannot get the user to help themselves until they are ready to do so. And until Jeff realizes that he has relapsed and needs help again,there is little anyone can do. Mention to him to go back into the same treatment program. Tell him to stop kidding himself that he has it under control. Tell him,jeff-you've relapsed.

I am very concerned because you are pregnant and you must do what is right for you and the baby. You mentioned that you are considering leaving him and maybe that's not such a bad idea as it could well be the catalyst that will 'wake him up'. But my concern is you. You can separate and get your own place and he can still come and see the baby so you will still get his support but without the added pressure of living with him and seeing what he is doing via the drugs. I think that you need to separate,see it as temporary. And do it now while you still have time before the baby is born. The baby doesn't need a stressed and unhappy mum and being so close to him and seeing him using is not going to compound those feelings. A separation maybe what will get him to take getting clean again seriously. You would be showing him that you are not going to tolerate his using.

Have a think and get back to me (if you want) and I'll do my best to support you in the decision you wish to make. But separating,and now as i said before the baby is born,would be in my view the best thing to do on many levels. I'm here if you need me. Caroline.