Expert: Caroline West - 11/27/2010

Question
I have a problem with a friend I really don't know what to do about. I'm a married man who has been in a loveless marriage for quite a long time. I know it is wrong, but I would fill my needs by occasionally frequenting prostitutes for physical release, role play as it may, replacing the affection I was lacking at home. It never meant anything to me until I met this one woman. She was new to the game and I felt an immediate attraction to her. after a short time, I found myself falling in love with her, as she wasn't the typical street person, rather someone who comes from a nice background who fell into the grips of Crack cocaine. I Identified with her as I also fell into the addiction 15 yrs ago. The relationship soon grew mutual, as we would talk, and money was not the issue in us seeing each other. I made it clear I wasnt going to pay for sex, and we would see each other and talk about getting clean. I never once thought about using, as drugs repulse me, but I saw through what she was to who she really is and wanted to help her, reach her. I know her feelings for me were real, as she would fall asleep in my arms and tell me she felt safe with me. I would not pay her, but I did support her in other ways, make sure she was fed, shopping, pick her up when she was in a difficult position. At one point she actually had me call her mother to tell her that she was thinking about getting clean. Her mother is worried sick and now calls me frequently. She tells me that there must be a connection as her daughter would never have given me her number if she didn't really trust me. I haven't seen her now in a few weeks, and she wont take my calls as I made it clear I wont be a part of her life unless she gets help. She tells me she will call me "when she gets clean". I don't know if that a lie. I did overhear her on the phone one time telling one of her crack friends that she was hanging out with the "guy shes going to be with when she gets clean". I don't know if this is just a fantasy in her own mind. If I really care about her, do I just cut off all contact let happen what may, or do I let her know I will be there when she is ready. People, including her mother feel if she knows she has a safety net out there she will keep using. I feel like when and if she calls me again I should just tell her to look in the mirror and realize I could never be with a crackwhore like her. Maybe that jolt of reality will bring her to her senses? Common sense says that a person like myself, good job, great friend and family is crazy to be getting involved in this situation, but I never really had these feelings before. In a way I think I may b e trying to help save myself from 15 yrs ago.
Oh, what to do..

Answer
Hello Jim. Sorry for the lateness in my reply. I am having difficulties with my computer and accessing this site so please accept my apologies. I shall do my best now I'm online to help.

What a sad situation. I empathize with everyone you have mentioned. You never mentioned much about your addiction 15 years ago,how long you took it for and what made you stop as this can give you an awareness into what it truly takes to get clean and maybe you could draw from that on what it will really take for your friend to come off it. Do try and have a think about how you found getting clean. The up-sides,the down-sides,and then you can remember what it was like for you and thus get a fresh understanding of what your friend will need to go through. I think drawing on your own experience will help her better. By the way,congratulations on getting off Crack,no easy feat at all,so well done.

It is so,so hard especially with working women as they know how easy it is for them to get money to buy the drugs and this ease of access to money also makes it harder to stop. When you have no money left and say for example your home is at stake,then there is a better incentive to stop. But working (and being ok to do that kind of work) is more difficult as these ladies and men have easy and regular access to money.

It will take a lot of help for your friend to stop. She needs an incentive as well. Do you plan on leaving your wife if your friend gets clean? If she does clean up,are you prepared to take her away from the area and set up home somewhere new for you both? And what about your family,will they accept her? will you be able to lead a 'normal' life with this woman? You must,must ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly for your sake as well as hers. Start looking at things as realistically as you can while taking the emotional connection briefly out of it. Can you really envisage a future together?

This is about her life too. At the moment it sounds as if you have given her a little bit of hope to hang on to. Whether it is a fantasy in her mind,she still thinks that she has a guy waiting for her and maybe that's what's going to get her through the days. On the other hand,she doesn't seem to be doing much to get herself clean. It sounds as if she is still working the streets and relying on you for food,a bit of money for bills,etc...but it doesn't seem as though she has taken any steps to getting herself sorted. I can tell you for sure that if you love someone enough,you will get clean,no question about it. So,does she love you enough to get clean?

It is always difficult to advise on whether to keep helping someone with a drug problem. On one hand they are vulnerable and afflicted with a horrible addiction,and on the other they have choices and not making the right ones. So it is up to you if you wish to continue to help her out. Also remember that some will stoop to anything to get what they can from a 'kind' person. So bear that in mind also.

Something else I want to mention and that is the 'talks' you and she have. Your clean,your mind is stable,hers is not. So how much of what she says can you really believe is coming from the real her? This you will have to judge yourself but I needed to mention it for you.

So you have a lot to think about here and be as honest and sincere with yourself as you can be and then do the same for her,meaning let her know where she stands also,but have a good think first.

I shall leave it here,but if you feel that you want to discuss this further then feel free to write in again. Take care,Caroline.