Expert: Peter L. - 11/7/2010

Question
My daughter is 15 and I strongly suspect that her boyfriend is
using drugs.  How can I help her discover this on her own so
that I can talk to her about it without alienating her?

Answer
Hi Wendy,

I assume you may already have had a conversation with your daughter about substances and substance abuse in general.  Or, your school may have a substance awareness coordinator or counselor.  She may have been present in an informational seminar held at her school.  Whatever the case, the more she's educated about addiction the easier it will be for you to have any conversation with her about it.

You will want to note her perspective on substances.  Has she tried alcohol or experimented with pot?  That's something she might be willing to reveal.  If she admits to using any substance, you will want to have a conversation where you let her know your concern for her safety and well-being.

Teens are exposed to strong peer messages about alcohol and marijuana.  They tend to regard these as minimal threats, and therefore many (and probably most) are resistant to doing anything other than they want to when it comes to the use of these substances.  They don't feel the need to quit their experimental or social use; they just don't see the harm.
All that worry is an "adult thing."

Your broader conversation with your daughter about substances might gravitate to your curiosity about this boy she's dating. You don't mention that she suspects this boy is using substances, only your suspicions of same.  That could make your job harder.  You could pose a hypothetical question about what she might do if she found out he was using a substance.  Would she want to break up with him, try to help him stop, or just take a passive stance?  

It's hard to know where this all will go.  But her willingness to talk to you about substances will indicate where she stands.  It's every parent's desire to assume their child knows what's the right thing to do, and that they will reject offers of substances. While she might be so inclined to reject offers, the dynamic could be different with this boyfriend or the social environment.  No doubt she's known about alcohol or drug use in friends, and may have been present somewhere where these substances were being used.  It's almost impossible for a teen to not have such experiences.  But, with the right message and education they will defer use of substances.

Hope this is helpful,

Peter