Expert: Peter L. - 12/20/2010

Question
My step daughter has been addicted to pain killers and alcohol for at least 6-7 years on and off.  I cannot believe the lengths she has gone to, to get painkillers, ect.  She is now in jail for Christmas of course she called for us to bail her out but we refused this time.  She had two outstanding DUI warrants from last year and was arrested right after Thanksgiving.  I hope we are doing the right thing now, she is going to be released on Dec 29 and we have payed for a halfway house for a month for her.  We don't know what to do after that, she is in AZ we are in IL.  Her living with us is out of the question.  She is going to be on probation for five years, her husband is divorcing her and she has a 2 year old daughter.  How can we help without enabling her anymore?

Answer
Hi DeAnn,

Well, you've helped her quite a bit, and some might say you've even offered her more help than is reasonable considering the circumstances.  

Consequences are the driving engine of change and recovery from addictive behavior.  Often I ask my groups of clients that if there were no consequences associated with their addictions; that if the cop that pulled them over congratulated them on driving drunk; that if their boss looked into their bloodshot eyes and said "Hey, just chill out on the couch as long as you want. I'll do your work in the meantime"; that if their spouse and children told them how much fun they were when they were drunk or drugged up; if their probation and parole officer shook their hands and said "good job" when there were positive urine screens; THEY WOULD NEVER QUIT THE DRINKING AND DRUGGING.  It is too valuable for them to just give up.

And that is why you are seeing the difficulty with your step daughter.  She is running from something with the substance use: a feeling, abuse, shame, loneliness, anxiety...   There are many reasons people use substances addictively.

Maybe it's time to limit your help to verbal support, communicating hopefulness, and perhaps helping out with her infant daughter.  Reinforce to your step daughter the need for substance abuse treatment.  She needs help, and a lot of it.  Maybe give her names of treatment programs in her area.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Peter