Expert: Caroline West - 12/25/2010

Question
I hope you can help as I have really spoken to no one useful about this at it is christmas time, everything is shut down etc. I got on Heroin when I was 19 after splitting up with a boyfriend I had been with since I was 14. I have also been an alcoholic since 15. When I got on Heroin I was in a very bad way, out of control, drinking litres of whisky every day, i pressed the self-destruct button. Eventually I met my current boyfriend in London one day when I was scoring. He was also addicted. Where I was very vulnerable and we got along, we ended up getting together. he weaned me off of hard alcohol until i just drank beer, and was my rock since then. he did everything for me, he always says he would kill for me. Over the past 7 years we have been on Heroin every single day, theiving for our habit. On the other hand, we have been so so close, best friends to each other. we have taken holidays abroad every year, celebrated birthdays, christmases, built up 2 beautiful homes together from the humble beginnings we shared in hostels. We were very happy in many ways and even have a little kitten. Anyway, about 10 days ago I suddenly had what I can only describe as a breakdown; I started having panic attacks every 20 minutes and was so scared i considered calling an ambulance a few times. It hurt so much but in the end I knew something had to give so i packed a bag and went to stay with my mother. i didn't know what i was doin and was in SUCH an almighty state. I ended up telling my mum that I had been on heroin for 7 years and we got a methadone script transferred from London. I didn't tell her about the drinking or how i funded my habit. Those first few days in her house were hell. I was tormented about leaving my boyfriend and my life behind, about changing my life, so scared about the future, would i be losing everything? as i said to my boyfriend, its like i have 3 addiction, drugs, drink, but also my relationship, we were together for 24 hours a day and depended on each other for EVERYTHING. it seems like i had to cut all the cords at once, especially when my heavy drinking caused gastritis and i had to stop drinking through no choice of my own. My boyfriend also wants to get help. He has gone to stay with family for a week or so and has just done his first day on methadone without heroin in over 7 years (although he bought the methadone on the street.he had no other way). He sometimes says we could have gotten off the heroin together, but i just feel in my heart that we have to do it apart and learn to stand on our own 2 feet. sometimes i don't know who i am. but does this mean it has to be the end for us? we've been through so much together, could we start again?  My situation now is this. I am very low. I have been given prozac but don't think they will work as i have started drinking again on a ravaged liver. i feel it's all i have left to numb the pain. I am on 70mls meth daily which holds me. I speak to my boyfriend every day, but he is asking what will become of our relationship and i don't know what to say. I think this scares me more than anything. If I had to leave him i don't think i could cope and i think he would just die. but everything is so unclear right now. Did those feelings come down on me because i had to leave my lifestyle? or my boyfriend? how will i ever get over walking out on a life that meant the world to me? I was very happy, people think a life on drugs is hell, but we were ok, we lived normal lives. i can't seem to bring myself out of this cloud, and my boyfriend thinks that as long as he gets clean, we can go back to how we were. my clothes are still in the wardrobe at home. i'm looking after our kitten but when he comes back i'll have to give her back. Sometimes his voice cracks when he says he misses me and i just want to die. sometimes i wake up crying and think i can't go on. i'm 25 now, nearly 26 and have done about 10 days on methadone now i think. christmas has been horrible but at least there were things to distract me. what will i do now? and what about when my boyfriend comes home from his break? he will be all alone in that flat with all its memories and i can't even tell him which way i am going. Please help me, everyone says just concentrate on yourself, take one day at a time, but when u have been that close to someone, their pain becomes torture. Thanks.
By the way, i don't know if this is an american site, but i live in england.

Answer
Hello Camille. Sorry for the late reply,I had been swamped over xmas and just picking up on my questions now,so I do apologize. I shall do my best to help.

The first thing I will say is that no one can carry on with such a lifestyle without there becomes a time when it catches up with them and they come to a point where they have to stop or do something about their using. Like with the drink,ok at first but now it's caught up with your liver which is now damaged. I probably don't need to tell you this but a liver that has reached Cirrhosis has no way of repairing itself,but a liver that has not yet reached that stage can regenerate once the alcohol is stopped. I don't know at what stage yours is,but if you want to save your life you need to find out and stop drinking. I wouldn't concentrate solely as Heroin being your only problem,alcohol seems more damaging to you,so I would ask you to think seriously about giving that up as well.

I am a little confused as to why you and your partner stopped using Heroin. You say that your lives together on it was good and you were happy,so what made you want to stop? I will take it on the premise that maybe life on gear isn't as fantastic as you are saying to me. If it were,you wouldn't be on Methadone right now and still be using. I personally would be tired of grafting every day and fed up of having a 'ball and chain' around my ankles which is what addiction is.

When you say that you do not know who you are,you wouldn't. Your life has been defined by drink and drugs and the real person that you are has ended up getting lost in it. It is only when you start being clean (properly) that you can start to find that real you again,but you have got to be abstinent to do that. You cannot just stop the H and carry on drinking,you have got to cut them both. How can you find yourself if you are still getting stoned drinking? Contrary to what others will say,alcohol for me is in the exact same category as drugs,they both are substances and they both alter your state of mind and do the same job as the other-help you to escape reality. One is not more lethal than the other to me. So you need to be both clean and sober if you want to make any headway in sorting yourself out and finding the real Camille again.

Now about your relationship. Your surviving as a couple is solely down to you both,there is not one hard fast rule for what happens to couples when they quit. I have friends that have been together over a decade,used for a few years,got clean for a couple of years,and they are still together. Then there are others that as soon as the Heroin is taken away,they find that it was just really the drug that was holding them together and they split up. So as to where you two will go once clean,I cannot give you an answer. Getting clean is a risk to the relationship,I won't lie about that. Try. Try living together not on gear and see what happens,that's the only way you are really going to know if you'll make it together.

Now the problem with using couples is that there will come a time when life gets hard and one of you wants a bag. What do you do? Hopefully the other will be able to talk them out of it,but what happens when both of you are having a bad time? One of you is going to suggest heroin and as the other feels crap will say ok,then you go out and score which makes the chance of relapse incredibly high-that's the danger with using couples. My friends I told you about,it happens to them,and they are a very strong couple.

You are just right at the beginning of for the first time addressing your substance issues so I don't want to bombard you with too much information. What I have said so far is enough for you right now about the immediate issues and worries you have. What you will need to do from here if you are serious about quitting is to get you and your partner into your local Drug and Alcohol Team and let them help you. Getting off substances is not easy but it can be done. There is no miracle way out except hard work and that hard work starts after the drugs/alcohol have been detoxed out of you. When you go to your Team,there will be a Doctor there who can help you with your panic attacks. Now,you are going to get absolutely no where if you are given medication and you drink/use on top,the meds won't work. But they will help if you are off everything. It is a hard journey but it is doable. If it weren't,I wouldn't be sitting here doing what I do on this site.

I will leave it here Camille,but know that if you ever want to talk at any other time you can always contact me again and I will be happy to help,but I will always be seriously honest with you. Take care,Caroline.