Expert: Peter L. - 2/5/2010

Question
I became very close friends with Ann some years ago and our friendship seemed to get stronger as the years went by. Then, our dynamic changed when we decided that we would try to make the transition from being friends to Lovers.  What I did know about Ann was that she claimed she was in a very dysfunctional marriage and that she has been diagnosed with clinical depression, along with a pretty severe case of fibromyalgia. I made the mistake of being the impetus in her leaving her husband to move in with me. My second mistake was not realizing that, in addition to her prescribed medications, she was also using cocaine regularly to "dull the fibro pain".  

The first few months with her were nothing short of amazing! While I knew she was using cocaine, she was discreet about it and we always seemed to be going places; she discussed going into treatment and "cleaning up"- our relationship seemed to be on the right track. Then, she began using more and more, especially around the Holidays- I asked her to get help, and she refused. I finally had enough of her odd and aggressive mood swings, irritability, lack of libido and just downright anger that I finally asked her to leave. At that time, I felt our relationship and friendship that we had cultivated over the years was gone because of her insistence on using cocaine.

Now that she's moved out (and already in another relationship), I'm having an enormous amount of guilt as I feel like I abandoned her during a time of need, and mostly because I interfered with her marriage by enabling her to walk out on her husband. I'm torn between making myself available to her in the future, should she want to get help, or just wanting to move on to bigger and better things and chalking this up as a lesson learned.  That being said, I'm VERY conflicted about what has happened and how I could be feeling so strongly for someone under the circumstances. Could I possibly be a co-dependent personality?

Answer
Hi Daniel,

Thanks for choosing me to answer your question.  I think what happened between you and Ann was a wonderful thing, and having worked out would have fostered a love relationship built on the friendship you had developed. I have heard of this many times - friendship morphing into a love relationship - and, quite frankly, think the line is always blurred between friendship-oriented men and women.  

No doubt this is a person you have valued in your life, and you felt she might be happier in an intimate relationship with you.  In that she was in a reportedly dysfunctional marriage, the motivation to be with you was evident.  What the heart wants, and how it eventually speaks to us in actions is not, to me, tantamount to a mistake.  So nothing done "wrong" there!

With regard to her cocaine use, we see a situation that would have demanded some caution.  Addiction throws some serious wrenches into the relationship question.  Of course, I would have preferred she have achieved abstinence, i.e., "cleaning up" as she put it, before you committed to each other.  This would have been the most fair and sensible thing for her to do in support of her relationship with you.  

Your girlfriend became dependent on cocaine, and perhaps it medicated away some of her pain and suffering, but at the expense of other equally important aspects of life.  I wonder if she believed, on some level, you would "rubberstamp" her cocaine use, agreeing with her that it had medication value.

You found out that there is no free ride with addiction; the piper has to be paid sometimes.  All of my clients would have continued their use of addictive substances if there were no downsides.  The relationship with a drug is just that overwhelmingly strong, and it is predictably effective.  

I think you had little recourse but to ask her to leave.  She had the choice to go into treatment, and had considered it, but ultimately her relationship with cocaine was the strongest.

Maybe this new relationship she's in is allowing her unfettered use.  I suppose one could find another user and believe that will work out.  It doesn't, though.  If she is involved with an abstinent party, that person would have to tolerate the inevitable consequences that will befall her -- and the relationship.  It's not a happy scenario for Ann unless she learns to live without cocaine.

If you remain in touch with her, I would emphasize the need for treatment.  I would be supportive, and perhaps resume your friendship. Let the situation evolve naturally as you demonstrate your support.  You are not with her now, so are not beholden to the consequences she will go through if she doesn't get help.  That's for the new person to deal with.

It takes two to tango, as they say, and she had the choice to stay with her husband.  That she chose to be with you, but sabotage that relationship by engaging in ever-worsening addictive behavior, shows she is perhaps too conflicted right now to be the stable individual you would want to be with.

I hope you will look at the practical aspects of this situation and not feel guilty. There were no "mistakes" made here by you.  I can't really say you are a co-dependent personality based on this one instance.  If you find yourself more often in a role of a "rescuer", then it is something you should think about.

All the best,

Peter