Expert: Peter L. - 2/14/2010

Question
My younger brother is currently 14 years old, and has ADHD. He has already been caught selling pills at school. He's constantly telling me things that he and his friends have done such as sex, drugs, and stealing. He's even beginning to ask me to hide drugs in my room. I don't know what to do. He never got into any trouble until my dad left two years ago, and my mom cannot control him. I'm afraid that if I tell my mom everything that he is doing she will not be able to do anything about it. Plus, if he finds out that I've told my mom he will stop telling me what he's doing, and I'm not sure if I want to take that chance. Please help me. I've seen what drugs can do to other people in my family, and I love my brother too much to see that happen to him.

Answer
Hi Hannah,

I'm pleased to see you are taking such an active interest in your brother's safety and well-being, and want to make the right decision as to how he can be helped.

It seems your brother has been quite unhappy since your father left, or perhaps, if your father was strict, he can do the things he's doing without scrutiny or fear of getting in trouble.  Whatever the case, your brother's problem behaviors seem related to your father's leaving.

Are you or your brother in touch with him?  If so, I wonder if he might be able to help out in some way, as he's still a parent, and I'm sure concerned on some level.  If you can speak to your father about this, it might be helpful, but only if you feel close enough to him that you feel comfortable about doing so.

How do you talk with your mom about your brother?  I assume you've had some manner of conversation about him. You don't have to reveal anything you know, just enter in a dialog with her regarding him.  I wonder if you might be able to make the suggestion that she refer him to counseling, or contact the school social worker or substance awareness counselor.  It's important he sees a professional of some sort.  

How do you talk with your brother?  What does he say about his life, how he feels about your father leaving, his friends, substance use, etc.  Have some quiet conversations with him when you are able to.  You can gently suggest he get some help, and can refer to the problems you say others in your family have experienced due to drug abuse.  You can express your worries to him and say just what you said to me: that you love him too much to see what happened to other family members happen to him.

If you are not seeing any change in him, it may be more important to consider his safety rather than confidentiality. How would you feel if something bad happened to him and you withheld some information that might have generated some action, maybe in the form of his being forced to attend counseling or a program?  

Finally, you might want to talk with your mother about counseling for yourself, to help you cope with the stress of seeing your brother getting into trouble.  You can also seek this out for yourself, and are protected by confidentiality laws.  In other words, the counselor you see cannot release any information to anyone about your meeting with him or her, or what you said during those sessions, unless you have a release of information.  That includes parents.

I wish you well with this tough situation, and encourage you to continue taking a strong interest in your brother's welfare.  You are very thoughtful to be so concerned.

Peter