Expert: Peter L. - 2/26/2010

Question
Hi
I have a husband who has a great personality. We have 2 kids and he is great with them . The problem is he is taking drugs cocaine i don't know how to stop him, this is my 3 rd time i have tried to make him stop he stopped and went back at it again. I want to leave because i can't stand knowing that he is doing this. My girls don't know anything because there to young but i can't do this i have to leave. He will not admit it that he is doing drugs. what should i do. I feel to leave with my kids and run away but i know that will make it worse he will not stop. what should i do???/

Answer
Hi Meme,

I can understand how your husband's drug use is upsetting you. I get many messages and questions regarding what to do with a family member who is abusing substances, but either not admitting it or resisting doing anything about it.

Are there any family members or friends who can put some pressure on him?  I would imagine at this point you've had some direct conversations with him about and how you feel about his use, as well as the impact it has on the kids.

I usually recommend family members and spouses do whatever they can to make the point that the addictive behavior is unacceptable.  Obviously your husband needs addiction treatment for his problem.  I would insist he get it.  

In my business, we come to recognize that very few individuals would stop using an addictive substance if there were no consequences.  It is the consequences, whatever they may be, including family members leaving, that motivate the change. Your husband identifies with the stimulating effects of cocaine, and cannot conceive of his life without it.  That is how everyone who has a drug or alcohol problem thinks; there is an inherent rejection of recommendations that the use be stopped if there is no perceptions of a downside.  Even when there is some identification of this downside, change is not guaranteed.  You know your husband is using, but he doesn't admit it.  Can you bring the evidence to his attention?

It may be necessary to leave your household, or perhaps it would be better if he were to leave.  He is the offending party, and no family should have to live long-term with an active drug using individual creating ever more serious problems.  If it takes your moving, or his being forced out, these are the kinds of consequences that can motivate change.  But again, there are no guarantees he will respond in the way we would hope.  

This is a very tough situation, and I would also recommend you attend Al-Anon meetings to get some advice and support regarding how additionally to address this problem.  It can be nice to have support going through this.

I wish you the best as you do what you have to do to improve the quality of your life and your kids life.

Peter