Expert: Peter L. - 3/24/2010

Question
For privacy sake I will call my friend Kara. I have known her and her family since our sons started t-ball together. Over the yrs I started noticing that she was using prescription drugs and abusing them. At that point I no longer allowed my son over her house. She never cleans her house and it's a hazard to the children. Kara has four children ranging in age from 10 to four. 4 yrs ago she started telling me she was having problems in her marriage and as a good Christian friend does, I listened and lent a shoulder to cry on. I wasn't too long after that, that she admitted to a twenty pill a day drug habit. So I talked to her without trying to be judgmental, and try to convince her to get help. Thats when I found out that the habit began because her husband was doing it and introduced it to her so she wouldn't ride his butt about his affairs. Two yrs ago finally I was able to convince her to go to church with me, and we talked her into a program that allows you to take your kids with you to a certain age. Her oldest son then ten was too old for the program so he stayed with my family. After two months she made excuses like the other patients and staff picked on her so she left treatment. She came home and went to a different treatment center a few months later because her family threatened to cut her off. After a month she made the excuse that her cat died so she needed to come home. This past Saturday my husband and I received a frantic call from her husband begging us to pick up her kids (he was in Vegas) because she was in a car accident and was being arrested and that the kids would be going to cps if nobody picked them up. So we did, and that's when I discovered that she was arrested for having a crack/meth pipe, and prescription pills. She then admitted to me that she was smoking meth. I was shocked and my heart sank thinking of the kids. On our long ride home the oldest daughter described to me how they had witnessed moms drug dealer's husband get shot at a hotel while mom was getting high. And again my heart broke. They begged me not to let her take them back home, so they stayed with me till dad came home. I truly care for these kids and would hate to see them go to the system, but I'm stuck with their best interest and reporting to cps. I'd love to keep them with me, but we all know the system doesn't work this way. All the family lives out of town or over sea's and most of her family doesn't even care anymore. I can only imagine the psychological trauma these kids are going thru witnessing such a crime. The 4yr old is wetting the bed again from bad dreams now. I just wish I could take them in and keep them safe but I cant prevent the parents from coming and taking them back. What can i do? I'd hate to see them split up. I need help! For my own psychological well being if anything. I haven't been able to sleep since. What do I do? I had to let them take the kids today and it broke my heart! Can anybody help?

Answer
Hello,

You are seeing how difficult a situation addiction can become, made even more serious by its impact on family members.  I'm including this reference below which I'm recommending all of my questioners read, as it explains very expertly why addiction is so difficult to overcome.

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/addicts_dilemna.html

From what I can gather, this woman's addiction has progressed steadily over several years.  This is the incidious nature of addiction, the way it creeps increasingly into the life of an individual, gradually overcoming all good judgement, and creating physical, biochemical, psychological, and emotional disturbances.  She is married to her husband, and married to her substances.  

The bad news is sometimes these situations get worse before they improve.  In my work we see individuals continue addictive behaviors until they suffer extreme consequences, and yet many will continue to use.  We often hear of deaths related to addiction.  It's a sad, unfortunate part of the job.

The position I usually take is to protect the lives of the ones who may be negatively impacted by the dysfunctional behavior of the addict.  Addicts and alcoholics are not reliable in their self-care habits, nor abilities to manage families.  When this is so, children must be removed from their custody.  Spouses have to separate.  I do not believe one should suffer beyond giving the addict/alcoholic a few chances to recover and offering support -- up to a point.  Often substance abusers - it's part of the addictive behavior mentality - will manipulate family members by saying they understand, they know they have to stop, they will stop and get treatment, etc.  The proof is in the pudding, as they say.  

I wonder what this woman's attitude about treatment is.  That's curious about the staff "picking on her."  I wonder if she went in opposing the process and showing a lot of resistance. When I see this in treatment, I address it, or other participants in the group address it.  People with addictive problems don't come to change easily.  That's a fact.

It seems it's time for your local family services agency to get involved, if the father is not able to manage them alone.  She needs to get into treatment and stay in it for at least a year, starting with an intensive inpatient or outpatient program, them stepping down to relapse prevention groups and individual counseling.  

I'm sorry to hear you have to suffer like this, but maybe you can feel better in knowing that you've been supportive and trying to help, but again, the situation is very difficult and may get worse.

Thanks for your question,
Peter