Expert: Peter L. - 4/25/2010

Question
I met Kenny in high school. He was the funny guy, the class clown, the guy that went around campus with his guitar and was gauranteed to make you laugh. Everyone loved him. I met him my freshman year he liked me but I only thought of him as a friend. So we became the best of friends. Finally in 11th grade we started dating. Everything was PERFECT. And when I say perfect I mean everyone would come up to us and say "wow I hope I find true love like that one day." We understood one another, of course we had our ups and downs but we literally had fairytale love. We've been together for 5 1/2 years now. And its the past 21/2 years that have been the worst. Kenny got into heroine 2 years ago. He started hanging out with the wrong crowd. While on heroine he's stolen money from liquor stores, lied to me and family,sold heroine, got kicked out of his house and has had to live in his car, lost his job, tried stealing suringes from a hospital and has been admitted into rehab twice. During his heroine usage he broke up with  countless of times. I know that drug is stronger then sex and he was just wondering when he was going to get his next fix. But I was there EVERYTIME. Giving him advice, trying to help any way I could. Until one time he got out of rehab, healthy and sober and he broke up with me. He told me I was his trigger and I was the reason he ever went on heroine. I took the blame for a long time. I was devestated. After everything I tried to do, after all the lies and him screaming and blaming he told me I was the cause for everything. We broke up for 4 months and I was devestated. I had with Kenny at his lowest point, and at his best he wanted nothing to do with me? But after 4 months he talked and we decided to give it another chance. Kenny and I have been dating for the past 8-9 months since the last time he got out of rehab.    Its been hard, he drank a lot and I would get mad that he would drive after drinking. I would ask him at times if he was using because he would doze in and out on the road but he swore that his parents drug tested him and that he was clean. About 2 months ago he lost his job, and lost his car because he ran into a wall. He shut off. Wouldn't call, hung out with his friends, drank. He would yell at me for the smallest things until it got to the point where he would just hang up on me or ignore my calls. After a month I broke up with him. He was furious. Blamed me for not being there for him at his lowest point, but I was and he just couldn't see it so I couldn't do it anymore. His parents kicked him out of the house because they caught him using again. He started living on the streets for awhile because he had no car. Everytime I talked to him his sentences made no sense and he dozed in and out. For about a month I wouldn't see him. I couldn't see him he didn't understand why but I knew I couldn't see him until he chose to get clean. After 2 1/2 years of the same thing it was time that HE chose to change. His mom called me and told me that he had to do this on his own. But he didn't understand. He would just get mad at me and tell me that I was selfish and unsupportive. He just didn't understand. I still loved him and wanted to be with him more then anything. But how could I be with someone that didn't want my help, or any help, and who chose to go back to heroine? About a week ago he went back into rehab. For the first few days he would call and I told him that I was proud of him and that I would see him when he got out. He was getting help so I would see him. After his first few days he stopped calling and when I would call the treatment center he would tell me "I don't need you ruining my day, I need to work on myself." And he would hang up. How could he go from mr. Sweet to this? So I left him alone. I understood that maybe he did have to concentrate on just himself. He was going to be home in 2 days anyways so I left it alone. 2 days ago he came home. He called me and he was excepted into the Salvation Army adult rehabilitation treatment center and he said that they were going to take him the next day but that he didn't want to go that soon. When I asked why he didn't want to go right away he flipped and said "I'm not going to argue with you in front of my mom and cuz I said so." I tried to tell him that I wasn't arguing but he just hung up. I called about 20 times that night and each call went unanswered. What did I do? The next day I went to his house with a letter that had a bible verse and that said that he would always be in my heart and prayers. I left it at the door. Later on that day I called the house and his mom told me he was gone. He had gone to the Salvation Army and would be gone for 6 months and he couldnt call or get calls for 30 days. I asked her if he told her to even tell me goodbye or ANYTHING. She just said that when she asked he told her not to tell me anything and that he needed to concentrate on himself. He didn't even say goodbye. Why would he get me involved if he couldn't even say goodbye? After 5 1/2 years the last thing I heard from him was the clicking of the phone. And now I feel guilty. Was I wrong for not seeing him when he wanted me to? Should I have been more supportive like the other times? I don't know if I should write him. His mom said that shell give him my letter when she sees him. But I don't know what to do. Why would he just leave after like that? Without a goodbye or ANYTHING. I don't know what to think or do. A part of me is mad that he just left like that and I'm hurt, but at the same time I know this is going to save his life. After all this my question is, should I try to write him, or call or even try to see him after 30 days? Or should I just leave it alone and see if he tries to contact me? And what if he never does? I love him still very much; I just would never have thought that he would just leave without saying ANYTHING. Not even a goodbye. What did I do? Was I wrong? So again should I try to contact him, or should I just leave him alone? Thankyou for listening; I would really love your advice and honesty.  I know there's good in everyone; and its that belief that makes situations like this even harder.

Answer
Hi Gabby,

It sounds like this has been very hard on you, and I can understand the feelings you are experiencing in this situation.  If it's any comfort, I get many letters expressing similar concerns.

I will first say that when Kenny began using substances, he entered a new phase in his life, one which was invariably going to turn out unfavorable.  I usually tell my clients "you can't win with addiction".  It is a potent enemy, and effects more areas of one's life than just about any other circumstance.  Opiates, in this case heroin, are particularly insidious, and hard to recover from.   I see it every working day, how people struggle with this addiction.  Mind you, they don't struggle with the use of the drug, they struggle with the damaging effects it brings to their lives.  If you imagine the best vacation, best dinner, best night out with friends, best sexual experience, best music concert, all happening at once, you get a glimmer of how an opiate addict sees their drug. Who would not want that? If there were no consequences, they would do it every day of their lives.
The fact is, we cannot sustain such an addiction, one which builds up tolerance and demands more of our money and time.  The withdrawals and cravings create a prison of one's own making.  People get corrupted in their morals, values, attitudes towards others, because they have become essentially possessed by the substance, and they don't like the idea of living without it.  Because opiates seriously impact brain chemistry, they have enormous trouble for a very long time finding any enjoyment from normal living.  The brain's normal pleasure circuits have been hijacked, and when they will return is never clear.

So, you basically lost your boyfriend to his addictive behavior.  Your urgency to know his whereabouts, try to reconnect to him, etc., will not help him with the huge task he has in front of him, if he is truly motivated to stay drug-free.  In order for him to relate in any reasonable way in an intimate relationship he needs time; time to get his life in order, find out what he wants to do with himself, determine if he wants to be with you or not.  His head has to clear so he can judge his priorities.  I'd say he needs a least a year drug free before he can be centered enough emotionally to handle intimacy.

You may want to see a counselor who can help you put this all in perspective, as it's a lot and overwhelming.  You just may have to let the situation go for a while.

Hope this helps,
Peter