Expert: Jacqui - 4/25/2010

Question
Please someone help point me in the right direction, i have been with this woman for 20 years and she kept it hidden for many of those years.But our family has been through a living hell ,She is addicted or will take or smoke what ever is around at the time.mostly pills just found out she has been smoking crack. Our 22 year old son caught her doing that in the bathroom.All our kids know what she does.
I have stayed with this woman for 20 years for our kids,and i have tried everthing i know how to help her stop,but its like arguing with a 15 year old. All her friends are pillheads 2 of them have died in the last 2 years, and another has overdosed twice in the last two weeks.a couple of them have been in jail in the last couple months. But she just doesnt get it,i do not want to have to tell my kids that there mother died because of this crap.
 It really has gotten to the point that i am as depressed as i could possibly be, because there seems to be no way out.I have lost my home and everything else important to me in my life because of this addiction.
 I had 2 shoulder surgeries in the last two years and found she was stealing my medication, and calling my doctor for more.
 We do not have health insurance and dont know what to do.I am at the end of my rope,it seems like there are drugs everywhere,and as one of her buddies dies she finds another one.
I dont know even if she gets better if i want her around me anymore but i dont want our kids to hate there mother for her sickness.I know the woman behind the addiction and she is a very nice lady ,but the person i wake upo next to everyday ,i dont know and dont want to.
Thank you for reading this i need to vent

Answer
Hi Jim,

I am really sorry to hear about your situation as it sounds really distressing.  I am guessing that from your last paragraph this relationship might not be fixable.  Many family members contact me saying that if their loved one could only stop using substances then everything will be better.  However, the fact that you are saying that you are not sure that you would even want to be with her if she wasn't using any more says something.

The main thing that you need to consider is yourself and your family.  I always advise people that they can't really change others - i.e.: you can't force someone into rehab and if you do, often the relationship is irrepairably damaged.  

I know you said that you needed to vent, and I actually think that is a great idea, although might be better to someone face to face.  Do you have access to any counselling services?  You will need to ensure that the kids are well supported if your family is going through this, as whether there are drugs or not, seeing parents fighting isn't good.  They may also be seeing their mother heavily drug affected, and this can be really distressing to kids who don't understand what is happening.

I am sorry I can't be much more help, but I do recommend get some support for yourself and your kids.

Take care and stay safe,

Jacqui