Expert: Peter L. - 5/9/2010

Question
My boyfriend recently left the States to enter in a drug rehab center in the Philippines. We've been very close friends for 8 years (dated briefly in the beginning of our friendship, remained friends, lost touch for 2 years, reconnected, then decided to enter in a relationship 6 months ago). Ive known about his addiction for a while, and have encouraged him to seek help. I believe that he entered into a detox center during our 'friendship-hiatus', and has been struggling since.
His departure to the drug rehab center was quite abrupt, as he briefly told me about going on a 'trip' to the Philippines a Sunday evening, then left the following Thursday morning.
I care about him immensely - as I do not make friends easily, and keep the ones that I have in my life very close to my heart. Im deeply hurt about the way that he handled his departure (avoiding all contact from when he told me about his 'trip' - not rehab - on Sunday evening, then calling me on Thursday morning right before his flight). It was only then that he revealed the true reason for his trip - he had recently relapsed & his family thought it would be best to remove him from his element and influential friends. Since he was not able to tell me amount of time he would be gone, Im finding it quite hard for me to wrap my head around the whole situation.
I believe in him, and Im proud of him for seeking help.
My question is: during our short phone call before his flight, he had asked me if we could take a break from our relationship. Shocked at the situation, I refused. I know that it is selfish of me to want to continue our relationship, when contact/communication will be very limited (if at all possible), the length of time that he will be gone is indefinite, and that he will change during the recovery process - but we had plans for the future and I believe in our relationship; friendship; bond. Is this wrong of me? I want him to concentrate on his recovery, and told him that I would wait for him to return. Is this irrational? I want to do whats right and support him in every way possible, but I am not exactly sure of what that is. What should I do/what is the best thing to do in this situation?
Its been 2, almost 3, days since he departed and its left me listless, lost and absolutely heartbroken. I truly want whats best for him, despite what I might be going through personally, so what the best way that I can show my support?
I dont know which center he has entered into, so Im unsure what his recovery process will be like or how long he might be gone for? Generally speaking, what occurs during rehab? How long is each phase? Do you have experience or are aware of centers in the Philippines? What should I expect?
Also, are there online resources where I can access information that will help me to cope with the depression that is associated with this?
Thank you in advance

Answer
Hi Jen,

Thanks for you questions, and I'll try to give you a complete answer, which of course will reflect my views on the situation.  You may also want to query other experts for their perspective before you act.

First, it's a good thing your boyfriend had the insight and awareness of his problem to seek out help. No doubt, he is being told to focus on himself and not distract himself with issues that might deter or compromise his recovery effort.  It is not unusual for someone to react the way he has when in rehab, precisely for this reason.  I would say he was, generally speaking, not ready for an intimate relationship with you, while an active addict.  As almost always is the case, his relationship with his substance will interfere with his relationship with you.  You no doubt are supportive of him, value his company, and he knows this, but that alone will not spur him on to sobriety.  He has a relationship with his substance, and it has been very strong, and their "separation" is not something that will come easily for him.

I believe you should lay back a bit, and let him pursue his recovery the way he wants.  If that amounts to limited conversation with you, or taking a break, as it were, he should be given that freedom.  He has a chance to achieve abstinence in this program, and can easily lose track of this goal if distracted.

It might be helpful for you to seek our a counselor with whom you can process your troubled feelings about this.  I think your reaction to his leaving for rehab is reflective of your focusing too much on this relationship and not on other things.  Do you have things that you do that give you pleasure?  You mentioned that you do not make friends easily.  Do you think you have overly invested in this relationship, relying on it for socialization as compared to others in your life?  Do you go out and have fun with others or only your boyfriend?

These questions may tell you about your reaction to his departure, and why you feel so listless.  It's important to know that his being away may be the only thing that can save him from much more serious problems; in turn, it can foster a more successful relationship.

I have worked with hundreds of clients (and their partners) around these issues.  Recovery from addiction is a very personal pursuit on one level, and one involving others on another level.  One can only succeed in a relationship when emotionally clear, mindful, and able to engage in the "give and take."  Addicts and alcoholics are not good at this, and will only cause themselves and their partners grief as they try to superimpose the relationship on their addiction.  It just doesn't work.

You can show your support by showing interest and asking him how he's doing, how much you respect him for his efforts, and letting him know you are there for him, if he needs you.  Let him decide how much involvement he wants to have with you.  If you try to force him to do otherwise, you compromise his efforts and create stress for him.

He might be gone for weeks or months, depending on the type of program.  They are all set up differently, so it's hard to know how long each phase is.  Rehab is geared toward moving a person toward a sober lifestyle, not simply to get them to stop using alcohol or drugs. It's an intense process, and takes a lot of work. There are a lot of therapy groups and educational sessions.

I know of no treatment centers in the Phillipines, but only because I haven't attempted to find what's out there.  Like all places around the globe, there are good treatment programs.

It might help you to check out Al-Anon, either in a local meeting, or online.  These resources might help:

http://www.adfam.org.uk/
http://www.aamft.org/families/Consumer_Updates/SubstanceAbuseandIntimateRelation...
http://www.ehow.com/how_2058733_live-drug-addict.html
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html

I hope this helps!

Peter