Expert: Peter L. - 5/14/2010

Question
My husband and I have been married for six years and dated for nine years before that. We have been through so much already and are still not even thirty five yet. About two years into our marriage he developed a crack addiction. I was unable to get him help because our insurance didn't cover it and he spent all our money and his family wasn't willing to help. My fathers house was broken into and it was thought to be him so I kicked him out. At that point he lived in a hotel until he was fired from his job because of problems caused by the drug use. After being homeless for a little while his uncle took him in and moved him to the mountains. We kept in touch the whole time and eventually I took him back and he was clean. In order to help him stay clean I thought it would be better to move. I was lucky enough to have a job where I could do that every three months, so we traveled the country together for  three years and had a great time. During those three years he used twice but always kept drinking. Then last year we settled down and he started using again. After being gone for a week he called and said he was going to rehab and came home and I took him to the airport. Rehab was 35 days. It was tough but seemed to be working. He relapsed twice in the first week by drinking beer then did fine for a while and attended meetings and did really well. Then one night he used crack again and I just lost it and we had a big fight and that was when I told him that I slept with someone else four years earlier when I kicked him out. It was my best friend who offered support and stepped right in when I was at my most vulnerable. Since then we have been going to marriage counseling and things have VERY SLOWLY gotten better. Last week he presented me with a new engagement ring (we both sold ours during discussions of divorce) and asked me to remarry him. I said yes and we have had a WONDERFUL week. Then yesterday, after a good day together, he went out and never came home. He sent me a text message at 3am saying "go to bed I'm fine". It is noon time now and I still don't know where he is or what is going on. I love him with all my heart but I don't know how much one person can take. I pray and try with all my might to find the strength to be by his side as he finds his way through this but I am getting desperate to hang on and having trouble believing that we should stay married and that it can ever change. I am at my wits end and don't know what else to do or where else to go. Sometimes I even think that if I wasn't alive anymore this would all go away and I wouldn't have to feel this heart wrenching pain any more. So my question is: Where or how can I possible find the strength to go on and continue to be loving to my husband?

Answer
Hi Brandie,

You have definitely been through a tough situation and are still dealing with it.  You are seeing first hand how chronic and persistent addictive behaviors can be.  This is not easy for me either as a professional, working several days a week with groups of people who are struggling with addiction like your husband.  They are all in the grips of their addiction and some make some headway -- others don't and drop out of treatment.  We see them again often days, weeks, months, or years later, when consequences have built up to motivate them to seek out treatment.  
Sometimes we never see them again.

I recommend you pursue counseling for yourself to deal with the stress of living with an addicted person.  This is VERY difficult to handle without support, or therapy.  

Addictive behavior is utterly irrational, compulsive, self-destructive, and progressive, meaning that it gets worse the more the person uses.  I wonder what consequences your husband has encountered so far as a result of his addiction?  Clearly, one of those consequences is your debating what to do, and perhaps again separating.

Relapse is a common phenomenon in our field.  I see people relapse, get clean, relapse, get clean, over and over again.  I then see some of them "get it" and finally connect with the reality they can not live this way, and get clear on the fact that they will never be casual users.  They finally reconcile that addictive behavior will not erase pain, fear, depression, anxiety, and anything else that the user gets "modified" as a result of the addictive behavior.

I have always told individuals who live with addicts/alcoholics that there is a point where the focus must move to self-preservation.  I do not believe two people should suffer as a result of one continuing the addictive behavior.  I do not subscribe to the concept of an unlimited level of tolerance.  Other people, and professionals, might feel differently.  I feel relationship separations are one level of consequence that can work.  Some of my clients respond only when their partners put the screws to them.  Otherwise, they would continue using as always.  I have two people I'm working with like this.

Your husband has very serious addictive problems, and needs long-term treatment and self-help group support.  He has a struggle ahead of him, and if he finds the idea of sobriety and recovery ultimately attractive, will move in that direction.  The knowledge of consequences might spur him on.

Please seek out counseling for yourself as soon as possible.  As I mentioned, you should not be going through this without support and/or professional assistance.

I hope this helps,

Peter