Expert: Peter L. - 6/18/2010

Question
Hello,
I am in a relationship with a man that has a strong drug habit. He is extremely addicted to pain killers, meth, and other prescription medications. He has stolen from me, lied and a few times even came abusive when I found his paraphenelia and I broke his pipe. I have tried in everyway I can to help him stop. I know part of him his running. We lost our baby girl Faith in 2008 at age 4 mos and it has been his way of dealing with it. But, I am at the point where I can't even have my own medicine in the house as he will steal it. I have gotten to where I will not carry cash as well for the same reason. I have tried to get his family to get him help and they just condone it. When he runs out of meds his family will give them theirs. Which just makes me more angry. He went through 90 percocet in 4 days and found my xanax which i had just had filled and took almost 70 in 2 days. I know he is going to end up dead and he needs help. How can I get his family to help him and stop condoning his drug use. It has gotten to the point I am ready to walk out of the relationship. I just can't handle it emotionally anymore. I lost my husband to a drug overdose in 2005 and I can't emotionally watch it again. I have tried to show him a different life without drugs. But, unless he admits he has a problem and wants help there is nothing I can do.

Answer
Hi Maureen,

Do you know why you got involved with a man after your husband who has a similar drug problem?  I believe there is an issue you can try to address in therapy. You seem to be subjecting yourself to another very difficult situation, one in which you have very limited ability to effect change.

You are right that unless your boyfriend admits he has a problem he won't address it.  In my 26 years in working with alcoholic/addicts I've learned that nobody stops using a substance unless they have to.  Their relationship to their drug of choice is so great something extreme has to come along for them to break it.  That is how it's always been with alcoholics and addicts.

This man has serious psychological problems to go along with his drug habit.  It will be necessary for him to understand and address these problems in therapy, but only after he has acquired some clean time from the drugs.  He has a long way to go, and I fear he may try to string you along for some or most of it.  This kind of person craves rescuers and you seem to be one.  His family is probably fed up with him, understandably.

He needs treatment for his drug dependence, and he has to stay in for the duration. No dropping out saying the program "is not for him" or some other excuse.  If he doesn't get treatment, your relationship will probably not survive and you will suffer much more than you are now.  I suggest you speak to him about treatment and urge him to get it.  If he refuses, you may have a similar situation to what happened in 2005, and to spare yourself that trauma I suggest you leave the relationship and attempt to rebuild your life.  Therapy might help you understand why you choose individuals you try to rescue, but end up finding out you can't.

Sorry I can't put an optimistic spin on the situation, but there are real problems here for you.

Best regards,
Peter