Expert: Jacqui - 7/29/2010

Question
Hi, I am really confused and I need advice. So, I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now, a little less than a year ago I found out that he was addicted to cocaine. I don't drink I have never done drugs so when I found out that he had this problem I was socked! It started getting worse and he admitted that he had a problem and he wanted help, he also told his family that he wanted help. Well he started taking steps and going to NA meetings soon after that his family including me set up and intervention and he gladly excepted the help. He has been in treatment less than two weeks now and he is going through so many ups and downs and mood swings, its driving me crazy. I understand that this is part of the process. i know that he is committed because he is going to intensive outpatient after the 30 day treatment and after that outpatient. So my question is what do I do? Should I leave him alone and let him have time alone while in rehab? Or should I visit him frequently and love him, I want to help him and be there for him but I don't know which would be better?  Do the moods swings go away for good? Also, are there any tips on how to deal with his moods? Any coping skills I need to know? Thank you sooo much, I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

Answer
Hi Irma,

Apologies for the delay in responding.  I have been overseas and forgot to change my settings to "vacation"!  Anyway, I will try to answer your questions as well as I can.

Firstly, I am not a huge fan of interventions, because they force unfair decisions on someone.  I am much more into focusing on the behaviour, rather than the drug use per se.  This is because drug use has been a part of human culture for thousands of years and that small percentage of drug users that develop seriuos problems often are very dependent and it is hard for them to always make the most logical decision.  Having your whole family say "it is us or the drugs", is pretty horrible, and it doesn't leave much room for relapse.  In reality, most people with a drug problem will relapse, and if they have done treatment via an intervention (i.e.: they have done the treatment because other people want them to, rather than them wanting to themselves), then if they relapse they are usually so terrified that they will be rejected by the family that they won't seek help and hence their drug use becomes more hidden and thus more dangerous.  However, he is there now ...

I can't tell you whether to stay with him or not, that you need to decide yourself.  I would, however, suggest that you make your decision based on things that really affect you.  Was he spending all of his money on drugs and had none for when you were together, was he so drug affected all the time that you couldn't communicate, was he putting you in physical danger (i.e.: the drug use making him act in a way that wasn't safe?)  If so, these are pretty good reasons, but they are not the drug use itself.  If you love him, support him.  In fact, as far as going to visit him, I think you should ask him what he wants (provided you want to stay with him).  

The problem with illegal drugs is that loads of people use them, but you only hear when things really go bad.  In fact, your last three presidents have used drugs, and two used cocaine (I am assuming you are in the US).  They, however, didn't have dependency problems (although arguable with George but that is another story!!)  The problems happen though because the judgement towards illegal drug users is so bad that they become isolated and rejected from family and, in some ways, that makes them more likely to want to keep using (it is pretty awful being rejected by everyone).  But, as I said, you need to decide whether you want to stay with him yourself.  Sometimes writing down a list of 'pros' and 'cons' can help.  

As far as his moods, they will settle with time.  However, you do need to accept that he may relapse - the fast majority of people with drugs problems (including the legal drugs like alcohol) do.  Eventually, people begin to really enjoy life again, but this often depends if there were other issues in the first place, and often it is important to seek treatment for the problems that may have exacerbated the drug use in the first place.  

As far as your coping strategies, I think it would be helpful if you had someone objective to talk to (outside of his family especially).  Preferably this would be someone like a counsellor, but a friend who isn't going to judge your relationship would be okay as well.  You will need to do things that are enjoyable to you during this time, so that you don't focus all of yuor attention on your boyfriend.

Irma I hope that helps somewhat.  Please let me know if there is anything else specifically that I can answer.  I really hope everything works out the way you want.

Kind regards,

Jacqui