Expert: Peter L. - 8/12/2010

Question
Hello, I need help with my husband, and myself. When I met my husband years ago I blind to him doing drugs. I found out a year after we were dating but I ignored it because at the time it was occasional. Then we got into relationship problems, I decided to try it myself so i could feel what he felt and maybe try to understand why he would leave to do drugs. Well, bad idea I got addicted and sadly did it for two years of my life. I didn't like doing it though and I knew it wasn't for me so I stopped completely. My husband couldn't stop. Then he asked me to marry him and I couldn't do it knowing he wasn't ok so I told him I would if he stopped smoking cocaine. He agreed and went to rehab for 6 months. Well we got married in 2008, and he was doing good.I am pregnant now and struggling with him leaving me home alone constantly because he's stuck in some cheap hotel room smoking coke. I've asked him if he's stressed over the pregnancy and always says no. When he's sober he loves singing to the baby and is just happy but I don't know what triggers him to leave. I am so confused.I love him so much but I'm afraid when my child id born i might have to leave him because of his addiction. I want to help him and don't know how. I went about wrong the first time and I want to do it right this time. I was lucky to get out of it before i lost everything, what should I do? I don't want to leave him.

Answer
Hi Dilma,

I think you know by now that your husband has some very serious addiction problems, and he is acting as addicts do.

There is probably little you can do now to help him, except urge him to get treatment.  Most alcoholics and addicts resist getting help until they are forced to because of growing complications in their lives.  What continually amazes me when I work with addicted people is the extent to which they resist change -- all of them, even the ones who are educated and can understand the grip addiction can have in one's life.  It's just part of the behavior, that distorted perception of what one is doing and how serious it has become.  

You can call a treatment center and set up an appointment for him.  If he goes, that's a start.  If he refuses, you have an indication he's more interested in continuing his life as an addict; that's his decision, even with the obvious consequences.  Ultimately you may have to tell him he's a threat to the household and has to leave.  You may have to create the negative consequences that will signal to him he has to get going and find some help.

This is never an easy thing, but I do see people move from stuckness and denial all the time.  Often it comes only after considerable resistance and mounting problems.  I can only wait until they are ready.  I'm working with someone who I think is finally "there" after repeated treatment attempts since 2006.  What happened is problems got worse for her, and she's forced to acknowledge what's happening.  No running away any more.

So good luck, and don't be afraid to take the lead in this situation.  You and your baby deserve a sober husband.

Best regards,
Peter