Expert: Caroline West - 9/1/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello,
I'm writing today at 3:30am as this problem is not getting any better. My boyfriend (33yrs) and I (32yrs) will be together 3 yrs this fall, when we started to date he told me of his heroin addiction and that he was on an out patient program taking suboxone at the time. I emphatically replied, "that is ok, I had a heroin problem about 10 yrs prior and been sober from it since and no plans to do it again and I would help him in any way possible." Of course once an addict always an addict and I thought maybe there is a chance I can get a little taste sometime if he slips up.... he would get an Oxycontin here and there and we would snort it to just hang and watch a movie together. We saw no problem and it was only maybe once in a week or two this would happen.... Everything seemed fine then we also indulged on smoking some heroin here and there, which brought back some amazing memories for me and I loved every second of it. Then I was rear ended in a car accident (not my fault at all) leaving me in severe pain trying every alternative to relieve the pain leading to my own prescription of Oxy which of course we smashed up, snorted and shared. I ended up getting surgery on my neck 13 months later. Of course 13 months 2 people sharing a prescription wasn't enough so we relied on street drugs, Oxy, muscle relaxers, perks, vics, what ever we could get basically. The heroin usage increased and now using needles (clean ones from the exchange programs) at this point because our coughs were so bad and to save money. I said I would never touch a point again cause I love it too much and it would be too hard to stop. The pain was unbearable so I did it and my man followed me for the first time using one. We have tried to get clean about 10 times on our own. We turn off the phones, get some zanax an suboxone to do it over a weekend or more. I got clean this way 10 yrs ago and it worked for me, so I thought it would work again. I have a lot more willpower than my man though. One of us would cave in on like day 3 or 4 and get a little. This cycle has been going on for so long now. We both had full time jobs and couldn't afford to take time off for treatment. I am now unemployed so we really need his income now. We have tried meeting but those makes his want to use even more. He only had one friend that is on and off and now living in a sober house, so I'm hoping that will help our situation too.... I'm 100% ready to quit like the past 8 times we tried, he says he wants it too and we agreed we are going to try again. Neither one of us have medical insurance, so we go to Mexico to get suboxone and zanax..... Ever since he moved in with me 2 yrs ago I have paid all the apt bills including adding his cell to my plan to save money & food. He gives some money here and there but I am now having to claim BK as we maxed out all credit cards on cash advance for drugs and now that I have no job to pay them I have no choice. I know we need to take one day at a time but the money situation for living is getting serious and he makes enough to give it to me. I get really hurt when he goes and buys heroin but can't give me money to buy food or pay rent.
This time we try to get clean, I mentioned he give me his phone, and I handle his money and make him lunches so he can't cheat.
Dr. Sorry for the long explanation I just feel I don't know what to do at this point. I haven't told any of my friends so I have nobody to talk to, anyways they would just tell me to leave him anyways. It's not that easy. We talk about the future, we want to get married, have kids, and all the dreams. Getting there is the problem, his answer is always "I'll leave then!" I fear if he leaves he will move to a crazy crack house and die soon. I don't want him to leave, as I do love him. The sex is never or maybe once in a few months and I question if there is someone else but he says of course not it's the drugs that kills his libido. He says he loves me and wants everything I want too. It's just hard to trust an addict.
If there is any advice to help us get clean and stay clean so we can have a happy life together again we would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks so much,
A&T

ANSWER: Amber and T,I got to be very honest with you in that this is a very difficult situation that you are both in. I am going to do my best here and advise you the best I can but you both have seriously limited yourselves in getting the help I would tell anyone else to go and get. I'm also going to be brutally honest with you on some things and you got to make some changes.

Now you know that you cannot touch Heroin/Pills or whatever else was you poison. I've been through it in the past,thinking one won't hurt and then that one becomes two,three,four and as you know your back to using full time. Your guy is going to have to want this as much as you or it is simply not going to work. Talk of future is all good but if one of you lacks the same determination to quit as the other,it won't happen. Or if it does,it will be more of the same,drugs being the number one priority.

I know that you used a method to quit before that worked for you,but there's another person involved now who's way to quit might not be the same as yours. He may need other options. We all stop using in our own ways. I imagine that he has tried to do it the same way you did,but it did not work (or you would both be clean by now),he needs something else. But then there's the issue of willpower,that you have more-he needs the same commitment and drive as you.

I have to say it-you have got to get health insurance. If he and you are that serious,then you will find a way to get the money. You want something bad enough,you will get it,right? We always had money for our drugs and have made every excuse under the sun about why we can't afford stuff,I've done it,we all have. You have got to get help from a Drug and Alcohol Team where you can have an out patient appointment in the evening after he has finished work. There is always a way around things Amber. You both need to get a script and before you even begin to cut down,get stable first on a maintenance with support of a professional team. The other option is you buy your Suboxone and maintain yourselves.

It is so hard when both partners use. There will always be risk of one lapsing or relapsing and the other eventually following suit. But,there are couples,and this is not the norm,that do make it together,but it is going to be very hard without support.

I am going to leave it here as I want you to first have a hard think about what I've said today,and if you want support then I am willing to give that to you,but you got to make some choices and have some more talks with your partner about this. You both need to be committed and need to get that sorted first. If you Amber,as you were the one that wrote in,want support and to talk,then feel free to write in again. Keep safe. Caroline.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks, yes we plan on getting sponsors and looking into the free clinics for help on support and getting the suboxone at a reduced rate that may be cheaper than getting in Mexico.
Basically you said what we already know and just needed to hear it from someone else I guess. Nobody knows of our use as we look normal and hold a normal life of jobs, etc.(well before I was laid off from the mortgage crash)
Thanks for the help, we will rely on our sponsors going forward.


Answer
Amber,I am very glad you got a plan in place which sounds like a very good one indeed and I'm glad I could be of some help. Keep following it up,find the sponsors and the Free clinics where they can help you both. Wishing the very best of success to you and T. There are using couples that do make it and it seems that you two have got enough of the love to be one of those couples. I wish you both all the very best and take care of eachother and get through this. Take care,keep safe,and I'm always here if you ever need any help. Good luck,Caroline.