Expert: Jacqui - 8/24/2010

Question
QUESTION: my daughter is 29 and is using herione probably once a week, snorting. Her history is at 17 she starting using and became a full blown addict by 18, went to lots of rehabs and finally came clean at 20 and started an appretice chef, I think she was clean for 2 years then moved to melbourne and started again occasionally then once a week or more. anyway she OD and rang me from melbourne hospital (I live in Wollongong)and I flew down.  She was in hospital for a week, because no one found her for hours she had no feeling or movement on one side of her body.  With determination and help she has regained full use (this was in December last year) she moved back home and started work in February as a head chef at the local restaurant.  I noticed she was high while still living at home, once or twice.  She moved in with a friend about 2 months ago and she is using once a week - snorting.  What do I do?  I feel sick and sad and angry and don't want to have anything to do with her - but on the other hand I love her dearly and we have always been close (I was the only one to stick with her)I want to be there for her and we have discussed the situation - so no she won't seek help and insists she can handle the situation.  Any suggestions or answers as to why she needs to use when she is a beautifuly person without it and is holding down her job and running a restaurant.

ANSWER: Hi Kim,

This is obviously a very distressing situation for you.  I would, however, ask why you think you should have nothing to do with her?  In these sorts of situations I like to ask people what they would think if their daughter had previously had a drinking problem and was now drinking a glass of wine once a week.  Heroin is treated with hysteria in our society, and although its effects can be harmful, they are equal or less than the harms caused by many drugs that we accept in society (i.e.: nicotine, alcohol).  

In these kinds of situations I like to break it down to behaviours.  If you read through my old posts, you will see that I speak to a lot of families, and some of them are in the situation where their child is stealing from them or assaulting them.  In these kinds of situations, it is very clear that it is very distressing for the parents.  However, in yours, it is less clear.  You love your daughter and seeing her have this problem is causing you pain and distress.  This might be a reason why you think you should 'have nothing to do with her'.  I am not a fan of tough love, mainly because the American's seem to have franchised it as a treament (i.e.: interventions) and there is absolutely no evidence it works.  Imagine how your life would be if you had a serious health problem, and had got over it, then the problem started to come back, and your family then says they want nothign to do with you.  Drug dependency is a very complex psych-social-physical issue, and not solved by someone withdrawing their love.  In fact, for many people, having their parents give up on them is a sign that there is no point trying any more.

What will be difficult for your is finding a line between being able to care for your daughter, but also look after your own emotional and psychological health.  She is an adult, and is going to make her own decisions, even ones that aren't necessarily very good for her.  The challenge for you will be to get the support you need.  I would highly recommend that you seek out your own support, either in the form of a family support group, or a psychologist/counsellor.  There is a fantastic organisation run in NSW called Family Drug Support.  This was set up by a wonderful man named Tony Trimmingham who had a son who died from an overdose.  The link to their website is below:

http://www.fds.org.au/

Some indivifual counselling is available through Medicare, and this might be an option is funds are a little low.  

Kim I think it is very important that you get support.  I know that people usually don't give up drugs because of things that their parents do, and I know that your daughter isn't doing this to hurt you.  I realise it is difficult to understand, but sometime people really like heroin and what it does.  It is a drug that makes people feel extremely pleasant and relaxed.  It is also a drug that many people from middle class families, despite popular media which seems to make out that only homeless street people use heroin.  The social stigma associated with its use often makes it more difficult for families.

I hope this helps.  I am happy to answer any other questions that you have.  I hope things work out and please let me know how you go.

Kind regards,

Jacqui

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Jacqu,
Firstly thank you for your answer, although I think you did misunderstand me - I wasn't ever going to give up on my Daughter - I did have that feeling though.  How can a person take herione once a week and not get hooked and increase their habit.  When I see her on it - her whole personally changes and Why do it when you have come so close to death twice. She also says it is her drug of choice but it is so expensive and can be so destructive.  It is also something she does on her own. I am starting counselling on Monday.  I haven't told my husband yet as he would be so worried but I feel I should tell him.  I know there are far worse cases and believe me we have been there years ago - the stealing, damage to car, disappearance for weeks, etc which tore our whole family apart.  That is the past. What I basically want to know is it reasonable safe to use as she is or will it develop more.  We have a very open relationship and have suggest she get help even if it is generally counselling.

Answer
Hi Kim,

I have actually known quite a few people who used heroin irregularly (i.e.: they didn't have a habit) and other people who have been on methadone and used once or twice a week.  Use alone doesn't mean that someone is going to develop a dependency, but if you have a history of that in the past, there is an increased risk.  Is your daughter on methadone?  

As I mentioned previously, it is tricky to understand why someone takes a drug that has caused then harm in the past.  HOwever, there are lots of people who drink alcohol as their drug of choice, and I never like to judge a drug based on whether it is socially acceptable or not.  As far as the 'feeling' attached to a drug, heroin is very relaxing and euphoric, but people take it for a number of reasons.

Drug dependency is very complex, and even though she has has problems in the past, this may not make her want to stop doing something.  People continue to do things that aren't that good for them all of the time.  

I think it is great that you are getting support.  Like I said, I am happy to offer more advice if need be.

Best of luck!

Jacqui