Expert: Caroline West - 8/31/2010

Question
Hi Caroline, I have been waiting for you to become available so that i can ask you a question; as you seem the perfect person for this.
I'm desperate to understand what drives my husband to take drugs. And more importantly what does the drugs do to him? What does he think, see when he takes them?
He did use drugs before we met but he said he stopped and it was in the past. However, he didnt stop and it has been part of our lives since then, 9 yrs ago now. He doesnt use it all the time, he said he is using cocain. He may take everyday for a week and then not for ages, or he takes every other day. So there is no routine. He may be perfectly well, having a laugh and joke one minute, then he grabs his keys and leaves home the next minute to get more drugs. He denies, lies about it. But I know when he does it. His mouth looks different, the way he breaths different, he goes to toilet more often, drinks more often. He goes quiet, if you ask him something, he just stares at you as if you dont exist. We never had a good relationship. He is extremely jealous, suspicious, possesive. These have pushed me away from him in the early days. And now I have a good job that keeps me happy and busy, my job seems to be the only positive thing in my life, apart from my son who is 3. My husband doesn't like the fact that my job is important to me and I do anything for my boss (as he is very supportive and understanding). Whereas my husband, never supports me, always puts me down, chipping away my confidence all the time. Now we dont even have a relationship left. He blamed other things in the past for taking drugs, like lack of work, his dad, friends etc. but now it is all my fault, if I was a decent wife, he wouldnt do it. We have no s*x life (because I dont want him anymore) and he says that it is a relief when he takes drugs.
Can you help me understand what is happening here please because I am struggling, is it really my fault, am I the cause of his drug taking? Could I do things differently to stop him doing this stuff?

Thanks for your help in advance.
Figen

Answer
Hi Figen. Thank you for waiting for me to become available,I can only manage to answer a certain amount of questions in a day,and at the moment I am totally swamped. But,you waited,and now I shall give you a helping hand.

There really are only just a few reasons why people take drugs,and it's the norm across the board. It is mainly because of the feeling the drug gives. A feeling of immense pleasure,euphoria,a sense of well being,relief of stress and of course the buzz. Also,the body becomes used to the drug and the feelings,and when it is no longer there,there is a sense of something 'missing' and the systems of the body cry out for the drug to get those great feelings back. And it's as simple as that.

Now,with Cocaine,it produces an intense high (which are those pleasurable feelings),a nice rush of pleasure and it gives a great deal of confidence. That's when the drug is being used. After,when it has worn off,the absolute opposite happens. Feelings of paranoia (the confidence having now gone),extreme mood swings,ranging from irritability,anger,aggression (especially with Cocaine users) and a very low and depressed mood. This I hope explains his behaviour and mood to you.

Drug users always blame everyone else for their problems and even why they use,except themselves. A user will use any excuse going so they can use on it. They never accept any personal responsibility for their using and their lives. So your husband used excuses,like his job,his father,his friends-these are all a reason for him to do what he loves which is to use Cocaine. We have all done it. But,as you know,life happens to everybody and they work through it. These are just poor excuses and taking no responsibility.

None of this,please believe me,is your fault. You are just the latest excuse. I want you to know something. A person who uses drugs puts the drug way above everything and everyone,that is fact. You will always come second to the Cocaine Figen,your child too. As far as I am concerned,he is subjecting you to some pretty bad abuse. The put downs,the blaming,it is all emotional abuse. The way you are feeling is natural in that you no longer want him sexually,why would you when he treats you this way. Again,not your fault. I lived with a drug user and I had the same issues too,many other women as well have them. He is knocking your confidence all the time. Why are you with him? Just because you have a child together (I presume) does not mean you should stay together. It is actually more detrimental to the child,the child picks up on the negativity and he will be,and no doubt is, affected by your unhappy relationship. You said that their is no relationship left,why not call it a day? You also need to know that no matter what you do you cannot change him. Change has to come from him and I imagine he feels that he doesn't even have a problem (another typical response).

I hope what I have said has given you a better understanding of what is happening. I put things in a straight forward and honest way for the reason that there is no point in evading the truth. It's always for the questioners benefit. If you want any more explaining or support and advice,then do feel free to write in again. I'm always here for support,but do have a think about what I have said. Remember too that you are not alone in this,many women go through much of the same. Caroline.