Expert: Caroline West - 9/9/2010

Question
My daughter has been using for about 6 years.  It started with prescription painkillers and because addicts lie and lie, I believe she is doing them again.

She was on Suboxone for about 8 most and seemed to be doing quite well, but a friend of hers told me that Suboxone can be used with other illegal drugs.

A little background.  5 years ago her fiance was killed in a car accident and was killed.

We have had her to the accident ward twice and numerous times have taken her out of friends homes.  I, literally have stayed up at night to make sure she was breathing.

She has been verbally abusive to both myself and my husband.  

Two weeks ago I had to ask her to move out and she moved in with a very new boyfriend.  I found out from some of her friends that he is also a user, painkillers.  After a conversation with her and him today, again, it was abusive.

We have tried everything to get her to admit that she has a problem, but she says her problem is us.  We don't trust her, we hover over her, suspect her and we just don't know anything.

She says she is happy, but I am so worried that this will lead her to her grave.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I'm tired.  I cry all the time.  I don't want to go to any social events and no one seems to understand what we're going through.

We're broken.

Answer
Hello Connie. Sorry for this late reply,I had to go to the Dentist as an emergency yesterday (when I was going to reply),it's a long way away and took up my entire day,so I do apologize for that.

It's very difficult when a child of a parent starts using drugs,and very terrifying too like that you are experiencing,and my sympathies are with you.

Usually there is always a trigger that causes someone to take drugs,and from what you have told me,your daughters fiance dying was no doubt it. It was very hard for her because she lost the man she was supposed to marry and I can understand why she turned to taking something. What a terrible tragedy for someone to go through. Prescription medicines containing Codeine,a derivative of Morphine,does just that-kills the pain,emotionally as well. And in her case,I guess that's why she chose that drug in particular for it's numbing and sedating qualities. It numbs the emotions and after losing her fiance,I can see why she took them,and still does. Terrible emotional pain she must still be in,even 5 years down the line plus now,she has become addicted to them physically and it is very hard to come off of an Opiate. Opiates are the group name what all drugs such as Codeine,Heroin,Morphine come under.

The reason that she is the way she is with yourself and your husband are for a few reasons. The first is,naturally the emotional pain she is in after the loss of her partner,where we tend to lash out at those closest to us when we are hurting so much. Secondly,drugs,whatever they are,do have an effect on an individuals personality and they can become quite aggressive and argumentative,giving the feeling that there is no way to get through to them. The last reason is pressure. She knows what she is doing is not right and she is now physically and psychologically hooked on the pills,so the talks you and your husband have with her to stop and sort her life out,is just too much for her to deal with so again she lashes out. All three of these is playing a part equally in her attitude towards you both.

She has a long way ahead of her if she wants to quit. Getting off any Opiate is hard enough with the physical withdrawals,but it's the emotional side of stopping which is the hardest part. Because once she is clean,she then has to deal with the loss of her fiance,and until she is ready to face that,she won't stop. In many,not all,users lives there comes a time when enough is enough and they choose to stop and face whatever underlying problem there is. But they can only come to that stage when they are ready to and no amount of talking to,pleading with,is going to make that process happen any quicker,they have to reach that conclusion by themselves. So it's like everyone around them has to let them get on with it,accept that this is the way it is and find ways to cope themselves when having a user in their family. It's a difficult truth and I am here to tell the truth. Nothing can be done until that person is ready themselves to sort things out and unfortunately,that is how it works.

The best advice I can give to you is a hard one,but necessary,is to take a step back. You have done all you can and she obviously won't listen and has to come to her own conclusions. Remember the three reasons I gave you for the way she is towards you both,well if you take that pressure off of her,then there will be a marked improvement,and it's about you and her father accepting that she is in the same way as she may be for some time. You cannot speed up the process of her quitting,I cannot stress this enough. If she is in an abusive relationship,she needs your support and you have to show some understanding. Just take some of that pressure off of her. Don't get me wrong,I am not saying she has not played a part in all of this,but as a family unit,all are affected by her using and you each have to take care of yourselves too and work with what the reality of the situation is unfortunately.

I am focusing more on you all as a unit because I cannot say whether she is taking anything else. But if she is with a man who uses prescription drugs also,he may or may not use other substances as well. The longer she lives with him in that environment,being an abusive one as well,the worse it is for her and she may go down further. As I said at the beginning,my sympathies are with you and your husband as it is always tragic when a son or daughter turns to drugs,and the best thing you can do is let her take the pills until she is ready to come off of them and take her out of the relationship home that she is in.

Connie,I am always here for support if you need it and the way I work is to say what I need to in response to an initial question,but be there when any other questions about the situation arises. For now,have a good read of what I have said and think hard about it as well,is that ok? I'm here if you need to talk some more. Caroline.