Expert: Peter L. - 9/3/2010

Question
I'm 4 months pregnant, I've been in a relationship
for almost 3 years. A year after we had been
together my bf had surgery on his shoulder and
they prescribed him oxy. He took it as prescribed
up until the point when he should have started
stepping off of them. The next few months
consisted of him randomly trying to quit on his
own and failing until he went cold turkey for one
week. Which is the longest he had been clean in
almost a year. He was actually only clean for 3
days. He told his Dr he quit so the prescriptions
stopped but he didn't and that's when I started to
see how much he was actually taking cuz he had
to pay for everyone now and not just a few here
or there. After the 3rd month of our rent being
late and him saying he's trying to quit and how
he's going to I finally told him to quit or I'm
leaving. A month after my threat with no changes
from him I packed some clothes and went to stay
with my sister. I had no idea how bad things
really were but knew I could no longer stay in
such a destructive relationship. Little did I kno
that probably a week or so before getting fed up
and leaving I had become pregnant. Well 2 weeks
after I left he goes into rehab. I then find out we
are getting evicted from our apt but not before
making payments on the electricity and cable
since those were so behind they were going to be
shut off. He was supposed to stay in rehab for 30
days but could only stay half of that cuz his
insurance. He gets out but feels he still needs
time before facing the real world and goes to stay
at a half-way house. Since he didn't know if he
still had a job he couldn't afford to stay there tho
so he moved in with me in the apt I had just
barely gotten. After a week of him going to every
meeting he could he finds out he got his job back
and starts to work again. I, alrdy fearing the
stress of his old job will make him relapse, am
afraid to tell him I just found out I'm pregnant. I
do and he tells me he is overjoyed and very
excited. A couple weeks later I quit my job at his
request since he doesn't want me to be stressed
during the pregnancy and he makes enough, if he
works overtime, to support us both. For the past
month or so I've been more worried than normal
that he's been using again but everytime I
attempt to ask he gets very angry and tells me
I'm being unfair. That he has done everything he
can to stay sober since coming home and now
with a baby on the way has every reason to stay
sober. He has done a few things that arouse my
suspicions but I havnt caught him doing anything
that is a for sure give away. I'm scared the
pressure of having to work so much and having a
baby will make him relapse as much as he tries to
convince me that's exactly the reason not to.
Should I confront him again with my fears even
tho he gets angry at my accusations? He is such a
convincing and smart guy that thinks quickly on
his feet so besides the addition of drug addicts
being especially convincing he is doubly so. I've
read in another of your questions that addicts
need a year of being sober before committing to
a relationship but if he has relapsed do I raise his
baby alone for the next year until I know for
certain he's been clean? I know he wouldn't like
and maybe not even agree to let me do that but
what other choices do I have? I know how he acts
when he's clean, high or w/d'ing but he has been
working so much and such odd hours that lately
the only thing he does when he is home is sleep.
Another thing is, before he could only work as
many hours as he is now if he had an abundance
of pills with him. Finding hidden pills is out of the
question since I know from before he will only
buy just enough to get him by, 1-4 and he always
kept them with him. I know, or think I know all of
his old hiding spots and have checked them
randomly but nothing. It's hard to tell by his
behavior if he is using cuz since he's been
working so much I hardly see him but when I do I
know he's smarter than to do anything that would
give him away since he alrdy knows I'm on the
lookout for any sign at all that he's using. I can't
tell if he's lying about things he's saying cuz
besides the fact that he is a good actor without
drugs I'm absolutely terrible at telling if someone
is lying or not. I know if he did relapse it wouldn't
be once or twice but he would go back to using
all the time but he hid how bad his addiction was
frm me for about 6 months or more and I knew
he was using but had no idea how bad it was.
Part or the reason is he told me he was still in a
lot of pain from the surgery so I believed him and
conveniently when he couldn't possibly still have
that pain he developed severe back pain. Lately
he has been complaining a lot about a strange
pain in his elbow, stomach aches everytime he
wakes up and muscle soreness. Which I know the
signs of w/d's since he tried to endure them
many times on his own in an attempt to quit. I
don't want to go as far as going through his
phone but I have a feeling he will deny using
again until I actually catch him in the act. Which
he is smart enough to not let that happen. Any
advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much.

Answer
Hi Amanda,

Sorry for my late reply.

Yours is one of many questions I receive on how to negotiate a very difficult path in a relationship with a substance abuser.

Opiate addiction (heroin, prescription pills) is one of the toughest addictions to beat.  Relapse rates are very high, and there are also tendencies to substitute other drugs, like marijuana and alcohol, to "help" overcome the lingering physical and mental effects of the opioids.  

Your concerns that he may be having trouble more recently are understandable.  I'm glad he's gotten treatment and had the stay at the halfway house, even though it was too short to be really effective.  And hopefully he's keeping up his meeting attendance.

When it comes to knowing without a doubt whether he's using, a urine screen (preferably monitored) would have to be performed, and maybe several over time.  I have no doubt he can and will deceive you again if he has to - addicts will do that to even those they love - leaving you in a difficult situation, and with a new baby on the way.

I find many opioid addicts to be extremely "slick", deceptive, manipulative, and demanding.  My view is this is just the nature of their problem:  in opioids they have found nothing short of a miracle; a drug that brings them to a place they would like to be again and again, but lost the ability to do so.  When you think about what some at-one-time perfectly law-abiding people are driven to do as a result of their opioid addictions - stealing from family, prostitution, going into risky environments where they can be injured or killed to cop their drugs, use needles that are not sanitary - you realize these substance abusers have lost all reason in their pursuit of these substances.  It becomes not a matter of how can I get my drugs, but a matter of where I will get my drugs.  Anyone is a target.

If you have suspicions, go with them and confront your boyfriend regarding what you feel.  Quite frankly, the burden of proof is on him.  If he wants to convince you he's abstinent, let him get urine screens twice a week and show you the results.  Otherwise, you will never know for certain.  And if he skips the screens one week or the next, beware.  He may have used and doesn't want to get caught.

It's your life and you deserve to live without addictive behavior causing you problems financially, emotionally, and materially, especially with a baby on the way.

Best wishes,
Peter