Expert: Peter L. - 1/2/2011

Question
19 year old daughter is at the very least smoking a lot of pot. She was recently beat up by boyfriend whom she says she misses now that there is a restraining order. She has terrible mood swings and a need to keep getting piercings or tattoo's anytime she feels low. She has been diagnosed with depression, anorexia and bulimia. Needless to say I'm scarred for her life. She wont let me help her. What can I do. She is also angry that I gave a statement to the police about her being beat up by her boyfriend. Please help.

Answer
Hi Cindy,

Thanks for your question.  Sounds like a tough situation.  

Young people like your daughter have a lot of complex dynamics facing them.  Their lives seem to be filled with paradox and inconsistencies, such as missing a boyfriend who has been abusive, and on whom there is now a restraining order.

In adult minds (they say 23 and above) some of these inconsistencies start to diminish.  The abuser is (hopefully) more likely to be cast aside and the individual understands that the abuse is not their fault.  The "bad-boy" aspects of a male relationship partner start to be more trouble than they are worth, in the way that this figure has been, up to this point, perceived as a compelling, enigmatic figure.  Lots has been written about the power of attraction posed by non-committal, high-energy, charismatic, and controlling males.  And while a woman in this circumstance will usually say she wants a "nice guy", the power of attraction might not be as strong.  

Tattoos and piercings have some effects similar to those involved in addictive behaviors.  A client of mine recently told his therapy group that if he didn't get another tattoo over the weekend, he would have "used drugs."  He noted that he was worried he might run out of space on his body.

Look at your daughters condition as a health and lifestyle issue.  She is not living in a healthful manner, resulting in an exascerbation of her mental health difficulties.  Is she willing to see a mental health or substance abuse clinician?  Seems she's already done so, as you say she's been diagnosed.  While she might not accept going to a substance abuse program, she might be willing to see a private practice therapist.  

The most important thing you can do is be present.  Let her talk, complain, be angry, disappointed, sad, excited, or sulk.  If she communicates to you on any level, there's a connection she's maintaining and wants to maintain.  If she's had no particular beef with you prior to the report of the beating, communication will be easier. What's the status of her father?  

Does she spend much time at home?  Take advantage of times she's there and try any means of connection you can.  Make her a cup of coffee, tea, a meal if she'll accept one, and see if you can get q quiet conversation going. Give her a place of refuge. Go shopping, take a walk, discuss other family members, friends, maybe things women like to talk about.  If she gets defensive, or aloof, let her be.  You don't want her racing out of the house angry where she'll be in a state where she feels there's nothing to lose in contacting the boyfriend.

The pot issue is a difficult one.   You can "bottom line" her and demand she be substance-free while under your roof. But I feel she may not respond well to that, as marijuana is acting in a self-medication manner for her, as it does for many people.  It helps her zone out, alter her feelings, maybe bond with a peer group.  It may be that the only way she'll address that is to recognize how the pot affects her mental health.  And that might come about only through the mental health therapist, who can convince her it's more of a liability than good.

I wish you the best with this very difficult situation, and write back if I can help you further.

Peter