Expert: Peter L. - 1/3/2011

Question
My boyfriend relapsed on oxycontin after over 2 years of being clean. I had no idea, and for as long as I have been with him, he has been clean so I am really lost. Yesterday morning he called and told me. He told me he needed my help and got me to bring him to a detox center where he'll be staying for a week. Although I desperately want to be there for him and help him, I really have no idea how. I am disgusted that I was lied to, but at the same time know that isn't "him". I am only eighteen years old myself and feel a tremendous amount of pressure as his parents are LESS then supportive and his brother was the person who offered the drugs for his relapse. I feel that if I say what I am really feeling, I could hurt his recovery and I want to be someone who he can confide in with his feelings about this and who he can count on. Although I also don't want to enable him and make him think he can do this and have no consequences, as this scares me that it could happen again. This is tearing me apart and I really have no clue as to how to handle this. Any help would be appreciated.

Answer
Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your very well thought out letter, and you are a obviously a very concerned and compassionate person.

You are seeing the struggle someone deals with in trying to maintain abstinence from an addictive substance.  The key thing to know, as you have mentioned, is that substances and addictive behaviors alter thinking and behavior in very fundamental ways.  People who say they would never lie, cheat, steal, deceive, manipulate, and who have perhaps watched others take on these behaviors, are the most outspoken.  That is, until they develop an addictive disorder themselves.  When that happens, everyone in their lives takes on a different role, and they are transformed into the less-than-desirable individual with the traits I just described.

A common insulting term to describe opiate addicts is "dopefiend".  Think of what that term is intended to portray.  We think of a fiend as an totally evil entity.  An entity that cares only about itself, at the expense of others.  Addicts and alcoholics can appear to be evil.  They piss off family members, spouses, relatives, bosses, landlords, friends of all kinds.  Just last week I wrote a note that a client had attended a session with me.  His wife had insisted he get one to show he saw me.  Today, he didn't show. I wonder what he's told his wife.

You have to strike a balance, Sarah.  You can be concerned, but keep some emotional distance.  You have to be ready for any outcome.  He may be successful in gaining abstinence again, or may not.  He may not be truthful about going to treatment, or what happens there.  He may ask you for money for a particular non-drug use purpose, but it will be for substances.  He's not evil, just addicted and his brain doesn't work right.  His parents have obviously become cynical and jaded, and his brother is certainly no asset.

Be supportive, but firm on what you would like him to do. Keep your own needs in mind, and remember what's important to you in your life.  The sad reality is if he doesn't stay in treatment, he will likely not stop using.  That will cause you a lot of grief, and you don't want to go there, as it's already starting to stress you out.  You are not responsible for his recovery.  

I also advise you to seek out a counselor with whom you can talk about your feelings and learn how you might be engaging in a self-defeating behavior.  Maybe you've already done so.  

You can get through this, and if he can regain his abstinence, one day you both might be in a position to have a balanced, fulfilling relationship free of addictive behaviors.

I hope this is helpful to you.
Peter