Expert: Peter L. - 1/6/2011

Question
My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. We had used heroin together for a few months before his parents shipped him off to rehab. I had just quit on my own and then we had relapsed at the same time and so he came back to town. We used together for another month or so and then we went into a rehab facility together. We both did great and stayed clean for quite some time. We broke up for a few weeks and I had started using again. He eventually did too. And I just recently stopped using and moved out of state to be able to get away from everything back home. The boyfriend however has made it very clear to me that he has no desire to stop using. He is so angry at me for leaving but it's what I had to do for myself. The day before I left he like went off the deep-end. He snapped. He started harassing me through texting about all the girls he was gonna be with and how he doesn't want me talking to his family. And to never call him again. Mixed in with a lot of profanities. He has never sworn at me before or even yelled. So that alone freaked me out.  I haven't spoken to him in a few days and I'm just so worried. It's not that I want to be with him but I do love him and I want to know he is okay. I know it's not my problem but all I think about is someone from home calling me and telling me he is dead. I worry all of the time. I don't know what I should do or how to "let go and let God".

Answer
Hi Ariel,

Well, having been there yourself, you know about what addiction does to one's life.  Not only that, but substances have very profound effects on the mind, particularly in the areas of judgement, reason, impulse control, and mental clarity overall.

Opiate addiction is very tough to overcome, as you have noticed.  You seem to be making more progress there than your ex.  Certainly your ex's attitude toward you is an indication that he's having a lot of trouble.  That fact that he was never like that before tells you he's struggling.

I think over time you will settle down to a reality with this.  The time is not right for a relationship between the two of you, as you can surmise.  Both recovering individuals need a significant amount of clean time before they try to get involved in an emotionally intense relationship, with the many stresses and strains of intimate interaction.

You will probably not be able to have any impact on his situation, even though you wish you could do something.  He has to find the pathway out of his addiction himself, using treatment and support.  I understand your worry, but that is your choice to do so.  He's responsible for his addiction and recovery.  He's choosing to go about it the wrong way by alienating a potential support person (you) and harassing you with messages that he's pursuing other women.

My recommendation is that you consider seeing a counselor who can help you work through this.  It's tough to go it alone with such intensity of feeling.  Do you have other supports in your life at this time?  Other people who understand what the situation is and can be empathetic?  

And in terms of your own recovery, please maintain all the things that are recommended for someone like yourself: meetings, prayer, support, good nutrition, exercise, meditation.  Keep your own wellness as your priority.

Thanks for your question,
Peter