Expert: Peter L. - 1/19/2011

Question
I have had an ongoing problem for the past several months.  My husband lost his Mom about a year ago (a year in March) and has started on a drug binge that is driving me crazy.  He has gone so far as to throw a computer out the bedroom window into the snow to be able to get it out of the house to sell it for crack.  Every time a dollar comes into the house, he needs it to pay someone off and constantly wants me to borrow money from my friends in order to help him get what he wants and then I have to borrow from them in order to take care of our kids.  I've had TV's walk out of the door, rent money, etc.  I currently sleep in my jeans with my credit card and our food stamp card in my pocket in order to keep them hidden.  I'm at my wits end and my children are now questioning why I'm mad at Daddy all the time.  I don't think he will willingly enter a rehab program (unless it's like a 30 day because he can do that standing on his head).  I've seen him stay clean for 3 months easy then go back to using.  He needs longer treatment but I need to know if there is a way (in Cleveland Ohio) to have him committed as his spouse in such a way he won't know it's going to happen until they pick him up and take him out?  I've looked into probate court, however that involves someone from the court coming out and talking to him and asking him how competent he is to handle his situation.  I've read blogs online about people calling the police and getting the spouse "caught in the act" with possession, however I don't believe that having him arrested will help...I also don't know where he goes to get it or how long he has it in his possession, and with young children in the house, I can't take time to follow him.  He doesn't bring it in the house - he uses before coming home, then wants money to go back out and use again.  He thinks nothing of handing over his wallet or other personal property as collateral in order to get money from me to get things back.  I have him seeing a licensed counselor (we have each had one individual session so far) as I told him if we don't work on our personal problems, I'm filing for divorce.  He saw her last week and was clean for 1 week before using over this past weekend.  A neighbor paid him $5 for shoveling her sidewalk yesterday and he got high immediately.  I can't take it anymore.  Locking him out doesn't do any good, because he climbs in the window or knocks until he wakes the whole house up (knocking on the windows gets the dog barking and we have 4 kids ages 6 and under and a 17 year old stepchild living in the house).  What can I do????

Answer
Hi Melissa,

These situations are very, very hard, and I can sympathize with your plight.  I have had many a spouse sitting in my office with their addict/alcoholic partner, trying to figure out how to get the person to stop using.  You can imagine a session with both present, where the user is openly contradicting, denying, avoiding, blaming, etc.  If that can be the case with the counselor present, think of what happens outside of the counselor's office.

Your husband is maintaining two very powerful relationships: one with you and the family, and one with opioid drugs.  Both relationships carry rewards, even though the drug rewards carry a serious downside.

Like all addicts, your husband needs treatment.  The issue is always how to get someone into, or back to treatment.  There is great resistance brought on by the relationship with the drug that the user finds overwhelmingly difficult to break intellectually, emotionally, and often physically.  There is often resistance to treatment in that an individual can take a less-than-desirable experience in a program and overlay that over all possible future programs.  Put simply, someone can say: That program sucked, I didn't like the counselor, he/she was a jerk, the clients were stupid, dishonest, unmotivated, etc.  

Addiction corrupts thinking and judgment SEVERELY.  Your husband may have to experience consequences adequately powerful to propel him to get serious about treatment.  It's all about the consequences, ultimately.  No one will stop an addictive behavior if there is no reason to stop it.  The relationship is simply too powerful, and the judgment too altered.

While it is my role as an addiction treatment professional to show understanding where addiction is concerned, and I do, I also see these behaviors in another way: how they affect those who live with the alcoholic/addict.  There is great harm to come to children as a result of a parent's addictive behavior.  Working as long as I have in the field, I know how much resistance there can be for an addict/alcoholic to finally "get it" and consider sobriety. Your husband fits the highly resistant model.  As such, he will only stop when circumstances get too difficult for him to continue using.  In the meantime, you and your children have to be protected.  It is at this point I usually recommend resorting to legal means to report this abuse taking place in the household.  

Look, many of my clients have said "If I didn't get arrested, I would have killed myself with drugs or done something terrible".  In other words, there is a sense one must be stopped, rather than the addict/alcoholic coming to terms with their addiction!  There's no way I can sugar coat this.

If something does not happen soon to change things, you will be broke and evicted.  The kids will be suffering emotionally from this, if not so already.  

You may want to call your local Division of Family Services.  And as far as the probate court coming over, at least there will be a precedent and record of what is going on.  You will not be able to handle this yourself, as you cannot apply sufficient pressure on him.  You lock him out, he comes in a window. You confront him, he doesn't respond.

I'm glad a counselor is involved.  There, a record is being produced, also.  In the final analysis, if he doesn't respond to consequences you may have to file for divorce.  I'm sorry to put it so bleakly, and while you will struggle with that decision, I would urge you to consider the harm to your kids if this situation persists.

You may also want to attend an Al-Anon meeting in your area for support.

I wish you the best with this very troubling situation.

Peter